Ariana Grande Latte Responds To The Diva Bitch Rumors, Uses The Word “Love” At Least 100 Times While Doing So

Ariana Grande, the rabid Yorkie who shape-shifted into a diabolical wig with eyes, responded on Twitter yesterday to the rumors that she’s an evil demon fetus who wishes death upon her fans and is such a demanding asshole that she makes her diva idol Mimi seem like a reasonable and humble butterfly. Scooter Braun’s newest monster spilled out a Twitter stream filled with emojis, the word “love” and a quote from Rent. Ariana’s little fans (you know, the ones whose graves she wants to dance on) might think her tweets are cute and sweet and ~genuine~, but us growns know better. Ariana’s tweets are like a pentagram drawn in blood and covered with rainbow glitter and puppy stickers. They might seem fakely sweet and cute on the surface, but there’s a whole lot of dark-sidedness beneath them. The future serial killer’s tweets are after the cut, because there’s a lot of them.

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Ariana Grande Latte Really Loves And Appreciates Her Fans (And I Mean The Opposite Of That, Of Course)

“I just want to squeeze you until you’re dead. Die! Die! I fucking hate you, you fucking bitch fuck! KISSY FACE!” is just one line from the internal monologue playing in Ariana Grande’s head while that was picture was being taken.

The music career of Ariana Grande, the demon that possessed a talking Bratz doll, isn’t even an hour old and the media is already tearing her to shreds for her diva bitch ways. Just in the past few weeks, there’s been stories about how she’s demanding, a complete asshole and will shank a bitch in the throat if they photograph her right side, Even Giuliana Rancic hates her. Well, here’s another story for the pile. This happened over the summer, but since America’s new favorite feel-good sport is hating on Blossom’s feminist of choice, the NYDN brought it out today.

Some source says that while visiting a radio station in Manhattan, Ariana put on a fake smile while signing autographs but as soon as she got into the elevator, she dropped the fakeness and wished death upon them all.

“She did autographs and pics and was all smiles until she got into the elevator,” a stunned industry insider tells us. “And as soon as the doors shut she said, ‘I hope they all fucking die.’ ”

Oh, young, evil Ariana, we’re all going to fucking die someday. It’s the fucking circle of fucking life.

This is kind of hilarious, because it’s funny when toddlers curse! They sound like adult people, almost! But it isn’t not funny when kids wish death upon people. Nope. That shit is scary. Those are the scariest kind of horror movies. I’m laughing now, but I won’t be laughing when stories come out about how Ariana’s lipstick is made of the blood of the small creatures she kills in her backyard for fun. Ariana’s own mom thought she was going to be a serial killer. She warned us! I bet that wicked child wishes hos who cross her into the cornfield. The cornfield might seem like it’s a nice place since Ariana isn’t there, but I doubt she lets her enemies off that easy. Her music probably plays on a loop in the cornfield. So do whatever that devil’s spawn says before you end up in a living, nonstop Problem.

Here’s Ariana the Terrible secretly wishing death upon her fans at Narita Airport in Tokyo today.

Pics: Wenn.com

Mayim Bialik Isn’t Here For Ariana Grande Latte Or Her Sexy Baby Stripper Act

I know – I really should have said “A-List human flamingo Frankie Grande’s mega mega popstar sister“, because otherwise how would you know who I was talking about?

Mayim Bialik recently wrote a blog post for the Jewish parenting blog Kveller (via HuffPo) titled “The Problem With That Giant Billboard Of Ariana Grande” where she came for professional sexy baby Ariana Grande Latte (seen here looking like a come-to-life Bratz Babyz doll) and a billboard featuring Ariana in her underwear. Blossom decided to call a preschool-looking stripper out after she drove past a black and white billboard for Ariana’s new album My Everything with her sons in the car and noticed that their poor innocent eyes were being assaulted by a giant picture of Ariana’s half-naked toddler bod:

“Based on the billboard, she sells lingerie. Or stiletto heels. Or plastic surgery because every woman over 22 wishes she has that body, I’m sure. Why is she in her underwear on this billboard though? And if she has a talent (is she a singer?), then why does she have to sell herself in lingerie? I mean, I know that society is patriarchal and women are expected to be sexy and sexually available no matter what we do in society, but I guess now I need to explain that to my sons?”

She also took a prude-swipe at a billboard for Showtime’s Masters of Sex and a steamy Levi’s commercial that played in the theater before a screening of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Of course, you can read everything Blossom said over at Kveller.com, or you can save yourself a couple minutes and watch this clip of Helen Lovejoy instead (it’s pretty much the same thing).

But I still don’t understand why Blossom had such a hard time explaining that billboard of Ariana Grande in her Huggies Lil’ Hoochies to her sons. Aren’t little kids always stripping down to their underwear? Just say it’s an ~artsy~ picture of a 4-year-old playing dress-up in mommy’s high heels. And if they don’t believe that, then tell them it’s an ad for no-tears toddler shampoo. Trust me, it will work – Ariana is like 90% hair.

Pic: Instagram

Ariana Grande Latte Really Thinks She’s The New Mariah Carey

The meth-faced flamingo Frankie Grande will tell you that his sister Ariana Grande Latte is the reigning Empress of Pop and that the bottoms of her Bratz shoes are covered with the hair of Beyonce and Madge because she’s standing on top of all of those bitches. But anybody else will say, “I think that’s my favorite font,” if you asked them what an Ariana Grande is. Ariana Grande Latte has a few hits and her songs are currently the most requested songs at every preschool prom, but she’s still ten billion years away from being the legend she thinks she is in her delusional Sea Wees head. Bitch thinks she can act like Mimi when she’s got Hoku’s career (zero offense to legendary pop icon Hoku).

News.com.au says Ariana Grande Latte  hit the “quit this bitch” button during a photo shoot with an Australian newspaper, because she didn’t like any of the pictures. Apparently, Chris Pavlich, a photographer for mX newspaper, was told that he wasn’t allowed to use any natural light and he was only allowed to shoot the left side of her face, because she truly thinks she’s the reincarnation of Mimi (even though Mimi’s still alive) and on her right cheek is the sign that Satan branded into her face when she made a pact with him to be the biggest star in the world!

It’s surprising that photographers are able to shoot any side of Ariana’s face since her head is shoved up her ass and nobody can pull it out because her wannabe Charo ponytail keeps getting in the way.

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The FBI Is Putting Their Magnifying Glass Over The Naked Celebrity Leak

File directly under: DUH and DUH.

TMZ says that the FBI has opened up an investigation and working on tracking down the hacker or hackers who leaked the hundreds of naked celebrity pictures that took over the Internet’s Labor Day and are the sole reasons for why thousands of mothers are cleaning their teenage son’s bedrooms today and shaking their heads over all the “cream of mushroom stains” on the carpet. The FBI didn’t get into details, but they did tell TMZ that they’re working on it and I’m taking that to mean that they’ve put Special Agent Courtney Love and Detective La Toya on the case.

“The FBI is aware of the allegations concerning computer intrusions and the unlawful release of material involving high profile individuals, and is addressing the matter. Any further comment would be inappropriate at this time.”

If the hacker is American, they’re probably thinking about fleeing to Edward Snowden’s pied-à-terre in Moscow, because ScarJo’s hacker got a decade in the clink.

Reddit thinks they found the dude responsible for releasing the flood of celebrity nipples to the masses, but he told Buzzfeed that he’s innocent and a stupid plan to use the pictures to get bitcoins backfired on his ass.

It was reported that a crack in THE CLOUD might’ve made it easy for the hackers to get in and snatch up all those pictures, but Apple said today that after spending 40 hours investigating this shit, they determined that they’re not to blame (of course) and there was no breach in their security system.

“After more than 40 hours of investigation, we have discovered that certain celebrity accounts were compromised by a very targeted attack on user names, passwords and security questions, a practice that has become all too common on the Internet”

STILL!

I knew this before, but now I really know that anything I throw up into THE CLOUD can be potentially exposed. Nearly all of my iTunes playlists are on THE CLOUD and all of my iTunes playlists are a trillion times more embarrassing than a picture of a Downton Abbey actress getting poked in the eye with a hard peen. I may or may not have that annoying ass “All About That Bass” song on one of my playlists and that song may or may not have been played at least 90 times. SANTO DIOS! Shoot down THE CLOUD now!

Frankie Grande Feels That Many Lesbians Choose To Be So

Frankie Grande (brother to this one in the get-up) recently held forth in the Big Brother house, explaining the gays to his housemates. One of his views (via Crushable) included this Frankie Fact:

“‘…many lesbians choose to become lesbians later in life. Women who have been with man after man after man after man choose to become a lesbian later in life. Gay men it doesn’t work so much that way. It’s usually they’re like ‘oh okay, no I’m gay.'”

I’m not sure I buy that. “Many?” Lesbianism as a reaction to asshole men? Isn’t that kind of a burn on just being a gayelle? I know sexuality is supposed to be a spectrum but for “many” of us it’s pretty much determined from the jump. I can honestly tell you, as a gold-star gay, I would never consciously choose to button-stitch. Women are delightful creatures, and I’m a big fan of your feminine mystique (I often embody my own version) but you wouldn’t find me hanging in Tuna Town for a jillion. There would probably have to be large quantities of gold bullion and Chris Pratt (both versions – cutesy fat and jacked Marvel) up in there. Much like you wouldn’t see “many” lesbians after pole, amyriteladies? Can our lesbian commentators comment on this? He’s a dum dum, right? Honestly, it’s hard for me to take all of this seriously. It would involve looking past his “YouTube personality” hair.

Why am I stressing about what this fool says on a reality show? It’s Big Brother, not an Introduction to Human Sexuality seminar. I don’t even watch Big Brother! I just go to skeevy websites to check out pics when I hear there was a hot guy forced to wear a unitard or ass out in the shower. Julie Chen means very little to me.

You can attend Frankie Grande’s sexual science symposium yourself by watching the video below. His theory on how “many” lesbians are made starts at 3:20.