Jennifer Aniston Is Not Sad, Miserable Or Heartbroken
Seen above looking like she’s taking one quirky shit, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover InStyle’s September issue, and inside she talks to her friend/Jimmy Kimmel Live! co-head writer/Jimmy Kimmel’s wife Molly McNearney to promote her movie Dumplin, where she plays a former beauty queen. Molly and Aniston met through Justin Theroux, and have stayed friends even after she split up with the living and breathing pair of black meggings. Aniston and Molly don’t talk about Justin, but they do talk about how the tabloids and bloggers (for why is everybody looking at me?) continue to paint her as a human pile of uncooked cookie dough who squirts out lonely tears from her crying holes as she clutches her Baby Alive doll while staring at the window and waiting for the stork to bring her a real-life baby of her own. Again, Jen is FINE. She’s not heartbroken and wishes bitches would keep their magnifying glasses out of her womb.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
MAXDONNA!
That demure “I haven’t so much as let another canine sniff my untouched butt blossom” stare… That seductive “I may or may not be hiding a red lipstick underneath this skirt” pose… Even Madonna at her peak could never!
Picasso, da Vinci, Michelangelo, Monet, and Bob Ross just got some new company in the hall of master artistes. French fashion photographer Vincent Flouret has filled a much-needed void in the art world. What the art world has always needed are stunningly charismatic portraits of a dog recreating Madonna’s looks. If every museum and gallery in the world shut down today, and every artist burned their paintbrushes, that would make sense since it doesn’t get more artistic than this. Farewell, art, you ended on the highest of high notes!
Josh Duhamel And Eiza Gonzalez Split Up
Those of us who only use social media as a way to find accidental celebrity peen should pour one out this evening. True love never lives long, and we’re reminded of that cruel bitch of a fact today because 45-year-old Josh Duhamel and 28-yearold Eiza Gonzalez have gone their separate ways. How are we supposed to see Duhamel dick going forward? Eh, if you have a working Google, it’s not that hard. Pun intended! Continue reading
Somebody Call An Exorcist, Jenny McCarthy Thinks She’s Being Haunted!
Actually, I should change that. Usually an exorcist is the person you call when a loved one is haunted by the supernatural and is talking all kinds of nonsense. Jenny McCarthy, on the other hand, has been known to say some crazy things without the aid of a demon possession. This situation might actually just call for regular, old Ghostbusters.
Open Post: Hosted By Paris Hilton Reminding You How Much She Hates Lindsay Lohan
For the second time in twice as many months, Paris Hilton has taken time out of her busy schedule of ring-polishing and DJing to drag Lindsay Lohan on social media. Eh, I’m sure Lindsay appreciates the Google alert.
The Cut noticed that Paris commented on an Instagram video posted yesterday by a fan account. The video was from 2006, in which a much-fresher Lindsay tells paparazzi that Paris hit her with a drink at a party. Lindsay later walked back her story for a new set of photographers, saying Paris was her friend, and that her friend would never hurt her.
Paris could have kept her shadiness subtle by simply liking the video of Lindsay being peak-messy. Instead, she chose to comment with a laughing-till-crying emoji and the hashtag #PathologicalLiar. Hmmmm….Lindsay said something that clearly wasn’t true? Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think the black kid maybe wasn’t driving after all.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BlW4TYUheDh/?utm_source=ig_embed
It’s really too bad that Paris and Lindsay can’t get along. They seem like a perfect match for each other. They both still love those mid-2000s thick n’ long hair extensions, they’re still spending most of their time in clubs, and they love attention. Honestly, 50 years from now, if you put them in a dilapidated home filled with cigarettes and EDM music, you’ve got a great remake of Grey Gardens.
Pic: Wenn.com
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Teletubby Custard from Burger King!
Back when Teletubbies were at the peak of their fame and were greedy money whores who were selling everything from Beanie Babies to dildos (I’m not going to Google that mess, but I’m guessing Teletubby dildos are real), they got together with Burger King and Jell-O to sell their custard to the masses for a limited time in the 90s.
There’s many Teletubby custard recipes out there, but Burger King made theirs with Jell-O, leche, and probably enough preservatives and chemicals to cause one of your internal organs to mutate into an evil Teletubby that ate you from the inside/out (and not in a sexy way). I never tried Burger King’s Teletubby custard, but apparently it tasted like getting a blow job from an angel with no teeth while being handfed sugar-dipped raspberries by Idris Elba wearing a loin cloth spun from gold.
Here’s the video of the Teletubbies making their custard, and because of the farts and splash-sounds, this video is definitely some sucio freak’s idea of porn.
And do we really want to know what the secret ingredient of Teletubby custard was? Well, if the secret ingredient was what I think it was, then I guess those Teletubbies ate a lot of pineapple, because that stuff was supposedly sweeter than a sugar cube slathered with honey.
Pic: Burger King