America’s third favorite Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield, was spotted strolling in London with the same mystery woman he reportedly started dating back in November. It’s a big change for Andrew to go from dating a white-hot A-lister like Emma Stone, to a plain, nondescript gal like Rita Ora (that’s her name, according to Daily Mail). The pair were photographed walking together in the Primrose Hill neighborhood, and “Rita hid her peroxide blonde locks under her trendy baker boy hat” as if she thought she might be recognized. Which might actually be true. The Mail calls her “The Hot Right Now hitmaker, 28”, so I guess if I cared to Google “Hot Right Now”, I might be able to figure out who she is. She’s alternately described as a “blond bombshell”, a “singer” and “Your Song hitmaker”. This is my “Mr. Police, I gave you all the clues” moment, and I am failing miserably!

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This little Jacquees fellow is still out here insisting he’s the king of R&B, which simply cannot be true since I had to Google him (“did you mean Jackée?” Well Google, I wish I did). I was surprised to learn that Jacquees is only about 3 apples high and looks like the love child of Terence Trent D’arby and Lil Jon (both of whom are more deserving of the title than he). Well, TMZ caught Jacquees on camera having the damn nerve to present his raggedy ass to Keith Sweat, looking for some kind of acknowledgement. Keith Sweat! It was embarrassing.

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Shrieky comedian Kevin Hart was dropped out as the 2019 Oscar host because he refused to apologize for some homophobic tweets from his past that came back up (not to mention how he refused to say he was wrong for his son’s cowboys and Indians-themed birthday party). The Academy told Kevin to acknowledge and apologize for the tweets or get the fuck out. Kevin refused, saying he had already addressed the tweets in the past. So Kevin got the fuck out, and then apologized. Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardize a future Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards hosting gig. Kevin’s friend, the extra extra extra Nick Cannon, came to his defense by posting past tweets from several well-known female comedians that used the f-bomb and subtly suggested that Hollywood is full of hypocrisy. Well, DUH.

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It’s an all-animal battle royale! Well, an almost all-animal battle royale if you don’t count a plastic phone version of a cartoon cat as a real animal. But whatever the case may be, it’s our 11th Hot Slut of the Month contest of the year, and this time around, we all said “fuck it” to the humans and proved that we’re prejudiced against humanity by leaving our kind completely out. Humans deserve it! This HSOTM showdown pits legendary foes against each other. A cat is battling a rat. A dog is battling a cat. And a phone is battling a cat, a rat, and a dog (they’re foes because cats, dogs and rats don’t know how to use a phone).

The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth is a wild card picked by me. I did what the Hollywood Foreign Press failed to do and gave Olivia from Widows the shine she deserves. Your choices are:

The Garfield phone, one of the IT phones of the 1980s that had permanent “what a loser you are since nobody calls you” eyes and came alive in the middle of the night to steal lasagna from your fridge.

Saul, the stray ginger puss who won the internet over with his grumpy face after he was taken to the RSPCA because he was hit by a car. And now that I look at that pic, Saul should move to Hollywood to star in a live-action Garfield movie.

The Not The One Rat in Luxembourg who wasn’t about to end up in a cat’s stomach and gave us the new definition of Scaredy Cat.

Olivia, the thespian dog who gave the performance of the year in Widows and should rightfully show up to the Oscars next year and crash the stage Kanye-style every time an award is not given to her since she deserves them all!

Voting is below! The winning HSOTM will be announced next Friday, December 14.

Pic: Etsy, RSPCA, YouTube, Animal Casting Atlanta

This is our final regular episode of the year, because Allison is about to give birth to our third co-host, who is definitely going to outdo us in the jokes and “making sense” department. But before then, we shove our faces deep into a plate of Golden Globes and talk about the nominations including how Ted Danson and Olivia the Dog from Widows were wrongly snubbed. We also talk about the random one-second feud between Jessica Simpson and Natalie Portman, and the cheesecake chaos caused by The Cheesecake Factory. We end by talking shit about Cardi B and Offset’s split, the six french fries serving suggestion from a Harvard professor, Kanye West committing a sin by using his phone during The Cher Show, and my dream of seeing Faye Dunaway as a 30-something Katharine Hepburn. Allison helps us go without a bang by busting out her impeccable “Schnap out of it!” impersonation.

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