The greatest goalkeeper of all-time! 

Someone wake Google the hell up, because when I Google “the greatest living football goalkeeper,” random names of nobodies like Gianluigi Buffon and Iker Casillas come up. Who are those stranger dudes? Maybe they WERE the greatest living goalkeeper, but that title now belongs to the stray dog who crashed a match in Argentina and showed the people his effortless soccer skills.

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If a pop star from the olden times had to go after a nose-in-the-air pretentious Oscar-winning actress, my first choice would be Samantha Fox going after Goopy Paltrow for saying that she made yoga popular when we all know that Samantha Fox not only invented yoga, but made it popular too (see: Samantha Fox doing downward dog, sort of). But I’ll take Jessica Simpson dropping a fart on Natalie Portman for words Natalie said about her posing in a bikini when she was a teenage virgin.

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Madonna is here to swipe some more at her arch-nemesis Lady Gaga. The two have been slapping at each other for years and years. Even though they made fun of the feud on Saturday Night Live years ago, these two seem to be in an endless cycle of bringing each other up. Well now it’s Madonna’s turn and she’s bringing up Gaga “100 People” supercut.

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Paper Magazine’s latest “Break The Internet” issue stars Lindsay Lohan who talked about moving to Dubai to avoid paparazzi (HA!) and her family-friendly Mykonos beach club (HA!!). One thing she didn’t really talk about is the video of her trying to snatch a Syrian refugee child while speaking in a question mark-inducing accent. From there, Allison and I talk about the Battle of Rudolph in the War on Christmas, and Tumblr’s porn ban. We also get into Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas’ big Indian wedding, Madonna subtly accusing Lady Gaga of being a copycat again, and the awful forced hugging at the offices of Ted Baker. We end on an extra extra happy note when Allison reveals some exciting news, and no, the exciting news isn’t that Orbitz (aka the dream drink she’s never had) is making a comeback.

You can listen to us on iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google Play. And you can e-mail us at [email protected] if you want to congratulate Allison and/or slap at me for saying, “you know,” a million times. I’m working on it, you know.

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“Thank God for Meghan Markle” are words that actually escape out of my mouth while Allison and I talk about how Duchess Meghan has pulled some “Alexis Carrington in season 2 of Dynasty” shit by injecting some much-needed drama into the usual boring British royal storylines. Other topics we get into include Leonardo DiCaprio bringing on the end of the world by thinking about getting engaged, the study that claims women sleep better with dogs (actual dogs, not a-hole men), The Rock declaring he’s on Team Pineapple Pizza, Starbucks’ porn ban, and Quentin Tarantino getting married. We end with our advice segment where Allison and I give our thoughts on dilemmas like, “Should I take out my teeth when I blow my man?“, and “Why am I wiping extra after butt sex?”

You can listen to us on iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google Play. And you can e-mail us at [email protected] if you want our advice on semi-toothless blowjobs and butt sex.

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Rapper Tekashi69, or 6ix9ine, or 69? Like, I don’t know what he calls himself, but he needs to start calling himself Inmate 69 because he is heading straight to the clink! Well, not yet, but if I know anything about the law, and the last 20 seasons of Law & Order SVU say that I do, he’s most likely gonna end up in the slammer. Clink, clink, those aren’t expensive bottles of champagne on a bullet-riden music video set, they’re the chains around your legs as you’re escorted to your cell.

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