It’s all about the Emmys for the first part of this episode, and Allison and I start off with slandering Game of Thrones left and right (so plug your ears GoT nerds) and then we end with Allison cooing out an ode to Ripped Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. After our Emmys coverage, we talk about how Scarlett Johansson is pretty much the God of acting since she as an actor should be able to play anyone and anything. And then we end the first part with the meth gators of Tennessee (NOT FLORIDA!) and how much Allison and I overanalyze punctuation in text messages.
We also get into Lashana Lynch as 007, Austin Butler as Elvis, Harry Styles as Prince Eric, Grimes as a lie-telling troll, and we wonder if swimming in a pool counts as bathing. And a little correction, in this episode I say that Angela Lansbury has been nominated for 17 Emmys. She’s been nominated 18 times. I will never forgive myself for this mistake about an international treasure!!
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Allison and I butchered the pronunciation of Versailles, Kentucky in the last episode, so we right that wrong at the beginning of the episode. Once we ask for penance from Kentuckians, we talk about the dumb racist backlash of Halle Bailey getting cast as Ariel in the live-action The Little Mermaid, Meghan McCain’s possible exit from The View, the topic of caca-ing in front of your sweetheart, and the Erotica Blueprint test.
We also quickly get into Gwyneth Paltrow playing dumb about not knowing who Sebastian Stan is, Barbra Streisand’s dogs continuing to live a life better than everyone else on this planet, the Look Who’s Talking? reboot, Erykah Badu joking about getting into fist fights with her ex’s mom, and Arnold bread coming out with a special half loaf for Forever Aloners.
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We commemorate the born day of America with a little test, a test that I would totally get an F- at. I ask Allison questions from The Naturalization Test to see if she has the knowledge needed to proclaim that she’s AN AMERICAN CITIZEN while getting arrested in Atlanta like Laura Jeanne Poon (aka Reese Witherspoon). But before we find out if Allison is an official American citizen (yes, the test I give her is official and counts), we get into the Taylor Swift vs. Scooter Braun debacle, we dreamcast The Little Mermaid movie, and then we test our gag reflexes on the cucumber challenge.
We also quickly talk about everybody getting married over the weekend, Karlie Kloss quitting Victoria’s Secret because of her feminist values, the dudes in the running to be Elvis, the half-cake thief of Walmart, and Delta’s plan to booze you up on their international flights.
You can find us on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google Play. If you’ve got a tip or a question for us, e-mail us at [email protected]! The U.S. government can also use that e-mail to possibly send Allison her official member card of America (a Walmart credit card). That’s IF she passed. No spoilers!
While talking about Whoopi Goldberg going full Whoopi Goldberg over taking and sending nude pics, Allison dips into the gutter with me by learning what a “hole pic” is. And after I taint Allison’s innocent mind, we talk about the demise of Lindsay Lohan as a Mykonos beach club mogul, foodie calls, and whether or not “summer penis” is a real thing that exists.
We also quickly get into a man trying to snatch Halle Berry’s entire house, Cardi B and Offset showing that they’re great with money, Nicki Minaj dragging Perdue into her fight with Miley Cyrus, Dean McDermott talking about fooling around with boys when he was 10, and we end with Amber Rose going really low for a Flat Tummy Tea check.
And SPOILER ALERT, we’re still on the hunt for whether summer penis is real.
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Taylor Swift’s transformation into GAY! icon leads this episode and after we dissect her big ole’ gay video that ends with two straight girls hugging (???), we talk about Jessica Biel pretty much coming out as an anti-vaxxer, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos getting caught boning by their 18-year-old daughter, and sandwich punching, which sounds like some kind of jacked-up sex act, but isn’t.
We end with quick words about Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson’s break-up, Justin Bieber realizing Tom Cruise can beat his ass, JLo saying her first two marriages don’t count, Chris Brown spawning again, and Cindy Crawford’s family ordering every picture on the IHOP menu. Okay, but did they punch their pancakes? That is the question.
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Allison starts off by thanking everyone who sent her kind words about last week’s episode… and I somehow turn that into a quick conversation about dick pics (????). Once I drive a bittersweet moment into Inappropriate Lane, we give our thoughts about the Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk break-up, Gwyneth Paltrow being the Gandhi of marriage, the straight pride parade, and Walmart trying to show Amazon up by putting your groceries away for you. We also quickly get into Chris Pratt’s wedding, Justin Bieber challenging Tom Cruise to a fight, Kylie Jenner’s Handmaid’s Tale-themed party, Dolly Parton’s beauty tip, and Dennis Quaid dating a 26-year-old.
And we spend way too much time on trying to figure out the name of that Meg Ryan movie where her co-stars are Matthew Broderick and a smoky eye.
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