This is Saint Angelina laughing at us for already making plans to rush to the newsstands on Monday morning to plop down a few dollars for 30 pages of pictures of her precious twin messiahs. Yes, 30 fucking pages of baby pictures alone. Gawker reports that the hos at People closed the issue last night and the entire spread clocks in at around 30 pages.

I don’t even want to look at 30 pages of pictures of babies I’m related to! I mean, what the hell? Here’s a picture of Hard Knox with his eyes closed! Here’s a picture of Vivie with her eyes closed! Oh! Here’s another picture of Hard Knox with his eyes closed and his mouth is open. What’s sad is, I’m still going to carefully analyze all 30 pages. I hate myself.

It was rumored that People and Hello! Magazine bought the rights for around $10-$15 million. A source told AP that the final number was $14 million. The cash will go to a foundation created by Brangelina that helps children around the world.

People should seriously find ways to make more money off of these pictures. They could put out a coffee table book and sell t-shirts. Shit, they should make wallet-sized versions of the pictures. That way Brangaloonies can carry them around in their wallets and easily show friends pictures of their “best friends‘ babies.” Seriously, Brangaloonies will look at their friends with glazed eyes and say, “You want to see pictures of the most beautiful humans in the entire history of the world? Say yes or I’ll cut you.”

And in case you haven’t already tattooed it onto your forehead, the first picture of the golden twins will be on People’s website tomorrow at 7pm EST.

Mini-Me is about to file a lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Ranae Shrider, for allegedly beating his tiny baby ass and causing him emotional distress.

Mini’s lawyer told TMZ that Ranae once picked a lock on his door with her teeth, pushed away a scooter that was blocking it, and then threw Mini to the floor. The lawyer went on to say, “When you pick up a 2’8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.”

Remember how we’re all riding on that bus to hell together? Well, I’ve just being upgraded to first-class air for laughing so hard at the image of Mini-Me getting thrown. Midget tossing!

Mini’s lawyer said that the damages caused to him by Ranae exceed $20 million. Um….how did they get to that number exactly? Was his door made out of diamonds? Does Mini-Me shit gold toddler nuggets? Even if Ranae does all the midget porn in the world, she’s still not going to be able to pay off that debt.

I feel for poor Mini-Me. That giant horsey lady coming at him with her ginormous teeth must have been scaaaaaawy. Mini was probably shaking in his underoos. Mini-Me, get that mean ole’ pony girl! Make her pay!

The month of July is all about mammals getting together, sucking chichis and drinking milk. First there was the pussy and the red panda. Now here’s the golden retriever and the tiger cubs. See! Pussies and doggies can get along.

The tiger cubs were born Sunday at a zoo in Kansas, but their skank of a mommy immediately turned her slutty back on her own pussies. This is what happened to the baby red panda too! This is what Brit Brit’s influence has done! Animals everywhere think they pop out a bunch of kids and then go and live the high life. Stupid sluts.

Of course, the tiger cubs were hungry, so Isabella the dog stepped in to help. She had just weaned her own puppies, so she had the milk to give. Some important ho who works at the zoo told AP, “The timing couldn’t have been any better.” He went on to say that Isabella not only feeds them, but she also cleans and cuddles them.

Click here to see the video of the lazy tiger mommy acting like a shameless whore while Isabella takes care of her kids! Shame on that big pussy!

I hope everyone in L.A. is okay and didn’t drop any booze during or after the earthquake. Unfortunately, Wonky McValtrex or any of those other twats were not injured. We’ll get ’em next time!

Anydrunky, it is Shia LaDouche’s lucky day. Although, I’m not sure I should use the word “lucky.” It was determined that he wasn’t at fault for the car accident on Sunday morning. The Sheriff’s office said that the other driver ran a red light and will be cited.

Shia was arrested on misdemeanor DUI charges, but he hasn’t been arraigned yet.

I’m sure Shia is going to celebrate the only way a douche knows how……..with whiskey shots!

Source

My hero’s husband, Kelsey Grammer, is in the hospital! Camille Grammer’s sugar pepaw fainted in NYC over the weekend while promoting “Swing Vote.” His rep told UsWeekly, “Kelsey felt faint last night so he went to the hospital to have things checked out. They are altering his medications.” His rep said he will bust out of the hospital tomorrow.

Last month, Kelsey had a minor heart attack in Hawaii.

Earlier, I decided to do a little google research on Camille, because I’m in love with her. I found out Kesley has had some tragic shit happen in his life. His father was murdered, his sister was murdered and his twin half-brothers were killed by a shark! Also, his second wife tried to kill herself while she was pregnant. She lost their child.

To top it all off, Camille has a form of IBS. That’s why she used a surrogate to give birth to both of their kids. Yeah, right. She just didn’t want to get fat. I’m joking! Camille is an angel.

Kelsey is in good (and expensive) hands. He has one of the greatest gold diggers in the world caring for him. If anyone can heal him, it’s Camille.

I’m beginning to think that the fug ass choker Ali Lohan always wears is what’s holding up her neck. She must be taking fashion advice from White Oprah. You know what’s worse? I decided to google “Ali Lohan choker” to see if there were people out there that hated her choker as much as I did. I want to start a group called “Sluts Against Ali Lohan’s Choker.” We all need a cause. Anyway, my google search led me to this question someone posted on Yahoo:

Where can you buy a black coker, like Ali Lohan wears?
I don’t like her, but I like that black choker she always wears on ‘Living Lohan’. Does anyone know where to get one? Links appreciated!

Black coker? She needs to ask White Oprah about that one. This is a bigger problem than I thought! Someone out there actually wants to wear one of Ali Lohan’s black “cokers.” I’m so tempted to write this lost child with, “I don’t know where you can buy a black coker, but I do know where you can by a noose.”

Here’s 45-year-old Ali, SamRo, SamRo’s twin sissy, HomoHan and White Oprah leaving the Bowery Hotel in NYC. White Oprah has that lovely “coke and vodka” glow about her.