30 Fucking Pages!

This is Saint Angelina laughing at us for already making plans to rush to the newsstands on Monday morning to plop down a few dollars for 30 pages of pictures of her precious twin messiahs. Yes, 30 fucking pages of baby pictures alone. Gawker reports that the hos at People closed the issue last night and the entire spread clocks in at around 30 pages.

I don’t even want to look at 30 pages of pictures of babies I’m related to! I mean, what the hell? Here’s a picture of Hard Knox with his eyes closed! Here’s a picture of Vivie with her eyes closed! Oh! Here’s another picture of Hard Knox with his eyes closed and his mouth is open. What’s sad is, I’m still going to carefully analyze all 30 pages. I hate myself.

It was rumored that People and Hello! Magazine bought the rights for around $10-$15 million. A source told AP that the final number was $14 million. The cash will go to a foundation created by Brangelina that helps children around the world.

People should seriously find ways to make more money off of these pictures. They could put out a coffee table book and sell t-shirts. Shit, they should make wallet-sized versions of the pictures. That way Brangaloonies can carry them around in their wallets and easily show friends pictures of their “best friends‘ babies.” Seriously, Brangaloonies will look at their friends with glazed eyes and say, “You want to see pictures of the most beautiful humans in the entire history of the world? Say yes or I’ll cut you.”

And in case you haven’t already tattooed it onto your forehead, the first picture of the golden twins will be on People’s website tomorrow at 7pm EST.