85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor’s home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.

She went on to say, “I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said ‘What are you doing in my house?’ He just kept saying he didn’t do it.” Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn’t eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of “Barney Miller” really paid off.

The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.

Leda said she found the whole thing “exciting.” Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she’s not going back! She also said, “I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here.” I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There’s a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.

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Run from that mess known as “90210” before it’s too fucking late! Just make sure not to spill a drop of your delicious cocktail. You don’t want to waste any of life’s precious nectar.

So….Lucille Bluth aka Jessica Walter is just one of the stars of The CW’s “90210,” which premieres September 2nd. The network has decided not to send out screeners for the show to reporters and critics. I guess it’s highly unusual not to send out copies before a show’s premiere. This basically means it sucks harder than that slut Kelly Taylor at a frat party.

The network said it’s a “strategic marketing decision.” They went on to say, “We’re not hiding anything . We’re simply keeping a lid on 90210 until 9.02, riding the curiosity and anticipation into premiere night, and letting all our constituents see it at the same time.”

I haven’t seen this fuckery and I already know what my review is going to be: “MORE BRENDA! MORE LUCILLE BLUTH!”

I mean, the poster for the show is a bunch of kids in a pool. Kids in a pool = floating shit. That says it all.

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Everyone has been talking about this supposed Bigfoot that was found by two twats in Georgia. Even CNN covered this shit. Although, that’s not saying much. The two lie-tellers, a cop on medical leave and a former corrections officer, held a press conference in Palo Alto, CA yesterday to talk about their discovery.

Basically, we didn’t learn shit! Well, we learned the address of their website (AGAIN) and they brought an e-mail from some entomologist bitch who tested three DNA samples. One sample was human, one was a possum and the other was Robin Williams. No, the other couldn’t be tested due to “technical problems.” Yeah, probably because it’s fucking polyester.

The dudes did not show the body, because they are waiting for scientists to exam it. Um….I’m not a scientist and I can already tell you that thing is a Danny DeVito costume with Vienna sausages on top of it. Or maybe Parasite Hilton wet queefed on it?

They also announced they are giving Bigfoot-hunting tours in Georgia for $499. What’s to hunt? I mean, isn’t he already dead?

Below is a clip from the press conference. You can also visit Cryptomundo for many more details.

Even though these dudes are all kinds of fake, I’d still hit it on a gorrilla costume covered in fish jizz.

A jury in Houston, TX ruled today that Victoria Osteen, wifey of mega pastor Joel Osteen, did not give a flight attendant hemorrhoids.

Sharon Brown, the flight attendant, claimed crazy-eyed Victoria attacked her ass on a flight to Vail, CO. Sharon said that Victoria choked her ass and elbowed her in the tittay after a stain on her first-class seat wasn’t cleaned up quickly enough. Sharon said the attack gave her hemorrhoids, affected her faith and caused her anxiety. She wanted at least $405,000.

Outside of the court house, Joel Osteen flashed his teeth made of Wite-Out and said, “It’s a great vindication and shows us the faithfulness of God.” Oh shit. The clouds just turned when I read Joel’s statement. That’s God rolling his eyes.

Sharon was robbed! I believe Victoria gave her hemorrhoids. Look at that woman! She probably hypnotized the jury with her crazy eyes! Actually, methinks Victoria’s crazy eyes could also burn off Sharon’s hemorrhoids. They should look into that. And if you’ve never seen a picture of roids, click here (NO, DON’T!)

Thanks Momus

Worldwide Entertainment Group Inc. filed a lawsuit yesterday against Wonky McValtrex (that’s her legal name) for not properly promoting some bunk ass movie she was in. According to the lawsuit, Wonky was paid $1 million to star in and promote “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!.” Since Wonky starred in it, they should have changed the name to “National Poon’s Pledge This!.”

World Entertainment Group should also sue themselves for being dumb enough to pay that wonky-eyed skank $1 million. Although, according to IMDB the movie made $1.5 million worldwide.

They are asking for only $75,000 in damages.

Can they also request a sentence of life in prison? Or maybe they can ask the court to send her to Guantanamo as punishment? Actually, can they also send the people that actually paid to see this shit show to prison as well? I’m sure it’s against the law somewhere. Check the book!

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Cops in St. Paul, MN were called to the scene of a vending-machine theft and it didn’t take them long to figure out who the hell did it. That’s because the dumb fucks left a trail of Cheeto dust from the vending machine to a nearby house.

Inside the house, they found the three teenage Cheeto thieves along with tons of bags of other chips and candies. Of course, they all denied it. You know their hands were covered in Cheeto jizz and they still looked at the cop and said, “It wasn’t me!” They were arrested.

Actually, Brit Brit would never let this happen. She’s a fucking pro! Those little boys are amateurs! She would have cleaned the scene of the crime with her tongue. Besides, there’s no way she could ever leave a trail of Cheeto dust. Cheeto dust follows her like a moth to a flame. You may think that’s fake tanning grease on her skin, it’s actually Cheeto dust that clings to her body every second of the day.

Brit Brit laughs at those little punks! And Cheesus is not amused.

Source – Image VIA Gallery of the Absurd

Thanks Andrea