You know, I almost didn’t know who this bitch was until I saw the sweaty pit drops on her dress and then I shouted, “IT’S FANTASIA!” I’d recognize those bawling pits from across the world! It’s her signature and we should all slap our own pits in celebration, because bitch is consistently sweaty. But Fantasia did try to pull her mess together at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party last night in L.A. The dress was a step in the right direction, but bitch should have covered up those prison yard “practice tattoos.” I will forgive her for that, because those yellow ass nails take her look to a whole new level of sophistication. They serve a dual purpose though. When Fanny goes to parties, she hates not having all her favorite sauces around while she’s eating horsey dervies (that’s what she calls them). So now, she can pour dipping sauces into each nail and all her favorite flavors are at her fingertips. Literally!

Whitney Houston was also at Clive’s party last night and she sang. As usual, everyone said it was her triumphant return and she sounded glorious. If I took a crack hit for every time I heard that, I’d be as crazy as Bobby Brown. We get it. Whitney is back! And somewhere Jackie Collins is in a room shivering her ass off, because Whit stole her dress.

Below is a bunch of pictures of whores at last night’s party. They are, in order: Fanny, Whit, JHud, Katy Perry, Queen Joan Collins, Chelsea Handler…. and… and…. Oh, who gives a fuck! Just click on a picture, say, “TRASH. NEXT!” and then move on to the next one. Repeat. When you get to Kelly Clarkson’s picture, you might want to whisper your insult, because if bitch hears you, she might tackle your ass down.

Billy the Elephant! – Billy is the only elephant at the sad L.A. Zoo. There has been a fight about what to do with him. The zoo is planning to build a $42 million elephant exhibit. Bob Barker thinks the zoo should quit the project and he offered up $1.5 million of his own cash to move Billy to a sanctuary in Northern California. Lily Tomlin, Cher, Kevin Nealon, Goldie Hawn, Halle Berry and Tippi Hedren all joined Bob’s army to free Billy! Betty White and Slash were on the other side. They think Billy should stay in L.A. The City Council sided with Team Slash and Betty White. Billy will stay in L.A. and the elephant exhibit will get built.

Personally, I think Billy wants a change of scenery and is ready to head up north. They have In-N-Out up there and that’s all Billy really needs (cheese only, of course).

Source

Another bitch has just jumped over that overused moon. Call the damn fire department to get that bitch down, so we can slap her with a pancake for using that phrase. Yes, Geri Halliwell is engaged and she told her friend, “I am over the moon. We are so happy. He constantly makes me smile. I could not be happier.”

If my friend told me that, I’d push her off her chair and quit that bitch. The government needs to set up some kind of camp over the damn moon for bitches to go and stay there forever if they say that shit. Go over the stupid moon and don’t leave.

So, 36-year-old Geri is engaged to Italian yacht tycoon Fabrizio Politi. Italian yacht tycoon?! Is this a fucking Jackie Collins novel? Is Geri going to change her name to Lucky? She should.

Geri and Fabby (that’s totally what his boyfriends call him) have only been dating for two months. They might last month at a club in Florence. Geri’s spokeswhore confirms they are promised to be married, but said they aren’t making wedding plans anytime soon. The Daily Mirror (via Press Association) says Fabby gave Geri a £220,000 diamond engagement ring.

Geri’s friend also added, “Geri is desperate for another brother or sister for her daughter, and to have a man in her life who can be a father to them. It feels right and they are both very happy.”

Um. By the looks of her new man, I think her daughter does have a new sister. Fabby looks like his tongue has done laps around the peen once or twice. And she already has two men in her life! Are Scary Spice and Sporty Spice chop liver? Rude!

But I will raise my mug of Sanka to Geri this morning, because it sounds like Fabby shits gold (along with glitter). I say, get that ring, get that money and get out!

Here’s Geri, her daughter Bluebell Madonna (HA!) and Fabby buying oranges in London the other day.

I woke up this morning craving an acid tab, but I don’t need to go there anymore thanks to The Killers new video for “Spaceman!” This is the kind of shit I would’ve come up with when I was 7-years-old after playing with my Barbie, He-Man, She-Ra and My Little Pony dolls together in the backyard. I think they all make cameos in this video in some form or another. This is seriously like The Wiz meets Mad Max meets American Apparel and not in a sexy way.

You know, I would pull the lint out of Brandon Flower’s belly button with my ass lips, but that “Venger from Dungeons & Dragons goes to a gay Mardi Gras party” has left me destroyed. But I do thank Brandon for keeping my round velcro mit from the 80s safe on his crotch.

Oriental Trading Company is truly the finest catalog in the universe – Urlesque

George Clooney scrubs back into the ER – Popsugar

Katie Price’s bodyguard tries to cop a feel. He should just grope a Tupperware bowl. It’s the same thing – Hollywood Tuna

When McSteamy breaks his peen, everyone runs to Google – Towleroad

Alessandra Ambrosio is superhuman. Didn’t she just have a baby like ten seconds ago? – Egotastic!

Those jeans are almost as fug as her face – Hollywood Rag

BEAUTIFUL – Cityrag

Why does Clive Owen look like my skeezy drunk uncle who always gets handsy with waitresses? – Just Jared

Cheetoella! – Lainey Gossip

Kim Kardashian’s driver forgets about her (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

P.S. – This here blog is up for 2 Bloggies: Gossip and Blog of the Year. If you’re bored and need to burn some calories, click here (you will burn 0.0025 calories doing this) to vote.

The Associated Press has confirmed that Beyonce will sing Barack and Michelle Obama’s first dance on inauguration night. That’s if Solange doesn’t break out of the basement, hitchhike to DC and throw spaghetti sauce all over Sasha Fierce so that Aretha Franklin will mistake her for the main course. And then Solange will magically perform in her place.

A rep for the Presidential Inaugration Committee wouldn’t say what she’s going to sing, “It is our hope that we can keep the song secret until the moment.”

I really hope the Obamas are rehearsing the Single Ladies dance right now. And if that’s not the song BeyonceSashaWhatever is going to sing, then I hope Single Ladies is the encore with the Bidens doing the honors.