Allow me to correct myself. This is what Vogue meant by “daring jumpsuits” (see below). This hot piece right here is Mr. Motivator. I guess he’s like the UK version of Richard Simmons, but way more fashion-forward and just 5.3% less gay. The only thing he’s motivating me to do is to touch myself to those amazingly hot double socks and shoe laces. I’d wear this whole outfit every day, but I don’t have the chesticles for it. And is it just me or does he kind of look like the dad from Sister, Sister?

Anyway, this is an open post where you can open your legs and expel whatever the fuck you want. Everything is off-topic. Eveeeeerything. Rant away! But touch yourself really quick to Mr. Motivator first. It’s a requirement.

This might be the greatest job in the world, but I have a few very important questions. I’ll get to those in a second. So, Australia’s tourism bitches think they are offering the most wonderful job that ever existed (I guess they don’t know about Aretha Franklin’s chichi fluffer).

The job pays $100,000USD and you will have to relocate to Hamilton Island on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef for half of the year. Your duties include doing a bunch of island shit like laying on the beach, snorkeling in the ocean, digging the sand out of your snatch…etc..etc…

You must know how to swim and be able to read and write English (I’m out!), because they want you to blog about your experiences weekly. Yeah, because people really want to see pictures of you having the time of your damn life while they are sitting in their tiny cubicles, pushing papers and writing notes to their co-workers to STOP LEAVING DISHES IN THE SINK!!!! (I love those notes).

Not only will Australia pay you, but you will also get airfare from your home country and you will get to stay in an oceanfront villa with a pool.

The job is part of a huge campaign to boost Australia’s tourism. They expect thousands of applicants. Click here if you want in, but that site will probably be down for the next ten years. Good luck.

Okay, they say this is the greatest job in the world, but a few things are missing for them to correctly make that claim. Um. It doesn’t say there’s an In-N-Out on the island that delivers. They also don’t mention anything about “staying drunk 24 hours a day” as one of your duties. Also, one of your hourly duties isn’t to put dollars bills (provided by them) in the g-string of the island’s official go-go boy: Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. Yeah, “world’s greatest job” my ass!

Thanks LoveAnderson

Peta has once again pulled a WTF by launching a campaign urging whores to start calling fish “sea kittens” so that we won’t want to eat them anymore. The catfish of the world are staging a protest. They are the only pussies with gills.

Whatever the hell you call that shit, I’m still going to enjoy a hot plate of “sea kitten and chips” every damn week.

Peta thinks that people don’t like fish (Rosie, Ellen, SamRo not included) very much, so they started a website in hopes of changing their image. Peta says on the website, “Nobody would hurt a sea kitten! People don’t seem to like fish. We’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover.” They also asking hos to sign a petition asking the US Fish and Wildlife Service to stop the promotion of sea kitten hunting (aka fish hunting).

Peta’s sea kitten really looks like a pussy eating a fish. It’s the new lesbian mascot! Seriously, it does sound like a lezzie sex act done in the bathtub or pool.

You know, I’m going to give this whole “sea kitten” thing a shot, because I’m into making waiters uncomfortable. But if I order the grilled sea kitten and they bring me something with fur and whiskers on it, I’m going to flour bomb Peta.

And when I googled “sea kitten,” this is the first picture that came up. Sea kitteh not so cute.

VIA Jezebel

If someone calls me a “skank,” I respond with, “Why, thank you.” Not Liskula Cohen. That skank bitch responds with a lawsuit!

Liskula is a 36-year-old model who has worked for Vogue, Giorgio Armani and Versace. One of Liskula’s arch rivals started a blogged called SKANKS in NYC devoted to trashing her.

The blog’s 5 posts, all made back in August, features pictures of Liskula acting like a slut (I didn’t say skank). The anonymous blogger also wrote such gems as: “I would have to say that the first place award for “Skankiest in NYC” would have to go to Liskula Gentile Cohen. How old is this skank? 40 something? She’s a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank.”

Liskula filed a lawsuit in Manhattan court to force Google and Blogger to reveal the identity of the bitch who thinks she’s the #1 skank in NYC.

She told the NYDN, “It’s petty, it’s stupid and it’s pathetic. And when I do find out who did this, at least I’ll know who my enemies are.”

This fucking pisses me off! I fuck my ass off to be called the #1 Skank in NYC and this ho doesn’t even want the title! Fuck! What the hell is a skank supposed to do?! How can I out-stank NYC’s #1 Skank?!

And by the way, when I use the words “skank, whore, bitch, slut, cunt, skeezer, heifer, etc…,” I don’t mean it the way everyone means it. What I really mean is that you are a fine person with pure genitals and the highest of morals. So you don’t have to worry about calling your lawyer. You stupid SKANK!

The trash TV gods were shining down upon us, because those dumb whores at Time Warner and Viacom decided to put their dicks away and settle their bitch fight. I swear, I was about to shuffle down to Time Warner and throw used condoms at their asses, because they were going to make me miss the Charm School Reunion Show (clip above)! If I didn’t’ get to see Sharon Osbourne take down that fat faced slut Megan, I was going to cut everyone’s cable lines. If I can’t see that shit, nobody can!

I can put my rusty razor away, because Vh1 and 18 other channels didn’t go dark for Time Warner customers this morning. The dumb bitch CEO of Time Warner said, “We are pleased that our customers will continue to be able to watch the customers will continue to be able to watch the programming they enjoy on MTV Networks. We are sorry they had to endure a day of public disagreement as we worked through this negotiation.”

They wouldn’t say what the new terms of the deal are, but you better believe they are going to be charging us more. Even if they don’t need to, they will, because now they have an excuse. Those greedy whores loves to roll around in as much money as possible.

I’m still giving the side-eye to both Time Warner and Viacom, but at least I have my Vh1 and Dora the Explorer! Seriously, Dora is some good shit, but only when you’re stooooned.

Source

Over in Bucharest on Sunday, a new world record for the fattest cake was set. An official ho from the Guinness Book of World Records was on hand to weigh the cake and officially declare it the fattest cake in the world at 619 pounds. Twenty seconds later, Aretha Franklin magically floated in on her hot air balloon chichis and BOOM! The world’s heaviest cake suddenly disappeared. No, the cake was served to the people of Bucharest.

If you’re going to bake the fattest cake in the world, make that shit delicious looking. That shit is sad looking. I don’t even see any colored sugar flowers on that cake. Usually when I see a cake, I want to dive in, get dirty with it and swallow all it has to offer. But not with this cake. That shit looks like the Styrofoam cake they gave us on our birthday in kindergarten. Those dumb ass teachers would stick some candles in a fake cake and sing Happy Birthday to us. There was never a smile in the room, because we all knew we were being bamboozled. I mean, fake cake?! Illegal and hurtful. Those teachers should be in prison for their acts of unkindness.

The city of Bucharest also recently beat the world record for the looooongest sausage. The previous record was set by Peter North. Twenty seconds after it was declared the longest sausage, Parasite Hilton magically floated in on her hot air balloon pussy lips and BOOM! The world’s longest sausage suddenly disappeared.

And yes, when I first saw the title “The World’s Heaviest Sausage,” my no-no immediately started barking like a yappy Pomeranian. I’m glad you asked. Clip below (of the sausage, not of my no-no barking):