Sheriff Leon Lott of Columbia, SC has finally taken the stick out of his ass and smoked it up, because bitch is chilling out with the whole Michael Phelps investigation. Sheriff Lott said in a press conference this afternoon that he won’t file any charges against the God of the Sea based on that picture of him taking a bong hit. Sheriff Lott said, “Having thoroughly investigated this matter, we do not believe we have enough evidence to prosecute anyone that was present at the November party.”

Sheriff Lott should change him name to Sheriff Obvious. Fucking duh. I bet this ho and his gang of morons just used this shit to get a hold of as much weed as they can for themselves. That’s why police officers love donuts so much! No judgments here.

But seriously, the stoners of the world should unite and form their own investigation to find the twatty who sold the pictures of Phelpsie blowing a bong to The News of the World. That traitor must pay! Punishment: a lifetime without the green. That’s basically a lifetime of sadness.

Lee Redmond, the bitch who can scratch your asshole from across the room, has lost her record-breaking nails in a car crash on Tuesday in Salt Lake City, Utah. No, Lee was not driving. Bitch can’t even wipe her own pussy, let alone operate a steering wheel!

Lee was thrown from the passenger seat and taken to the hospital where she was treated for serious injuries. Lee lived, but her nails did not.

According to Guinness Book of World Records, Lee hasn’t cut those things since 1979. In 2008, her nails measured a total of 28 feet long. Her longest nail, on her thumb, measured 2 feet, 11 inches.

You know this bitch was screaming for her nails after the crush. She wasn’t even thinking about her internal organs. This shit gives me the sads, for real. And just like that, Freddy Krueger lost his favorite jack-off material.

Seriously, your lifelong work gone like that! But at least bitch can finger bang herself now without worrying about puncturing a lung or some shit.

Maybe she can get back into Guinness by challenging Vivica A. Fox to a “hairline-off.” Unless Lee’s hairline jumped back into place during the car crash. That would be sad upon sad.

Source

Mo’Nique just doesn’t give a fuck! But when you have to shampoo, condition and pomade your leg hair, maybe it’s Bic time – Crunk + Disorderly

Start the “Tara Reid goes back to the tank” countdown – Celebitchy

The Oscars are dead to Peter Gabriel! – SOW

Jacko’s face is eating itself! This is some Thriller shit – Holy Moly!

I need to be Prince Hot Ginge’s head master – Associated Press

St. Angie is just jealous – I’m Not Obsessed

The alien head and the giant – ICYDK

We all need that sweater Jane Russell is wearing – Popbytes

Demi’s manchild husband takes his douchebaggery act to Berlin – Socialite Life

When Vince ShamWow’s name comes up, Billy Mays rolls up his sleeves, sandpapers the inside of his throat and goes off. During an interview with Adam Corolla, a caller asked about Vince and Billy went on and on about how he was going to take that little bitch down. Billy said that when it comes to the ShamWow, Billy laid down the foundation, Vince built the house and now he’s going to redecorate. Yeah, I don’t know how Billy became Debbie Travis. It’s like I suddenly switched over to HGTV.

Billy said he was ready to have a pitch-off with Vince any time, any place. That kind of sounds dirty sexy. Why do I picture Billy’s hairy low-hangers on Vince’s meth-face?

Personally, I think that if they got into a room together, the world would implode. This shit probably has something to do with those two satellites crashing into each other. They heard this news first and couldn’t fucking take it. So if Billy and Vince actually faced off, Earth would collide with another planet and turn into star dust.

But seriously, even though Billy looks like he could kill a grizzly bear with his pinky toe, methinks he’s still no match for Vince. Vince might look like a tweaked out turtle, but the bitch was crazy enough to start a one-man war against Scientology. Nothing scares him.

Billy’s rant is below:

(Thanks Kamila)

Stump! – The winner of Best in Show at Westminster in NYC last night. Stump, a Sussex Spaniel, is the oldest Best in Show winner in history. Old bitch is 10 years old. See, pepaws can do anything! And now, Stump just wants to stop this prancing shit and fucking retire. He is damn tired. Can’t you tell? Bitch just wants to lay down with a glass of sherry and some Werther’s Originals.

The Mask of Whorro – Hollywood Tuna

Leonardo DiCaprio’s piece is SI Swimsuit Edition’s coverwhore – Egotastic!

Just stick an acorn in it already, Hilary Duff – Just Jared

50 Cent in a 2 cent wig – Towleroad

A tampon and a gayelle cover Lady CaCa – Popsugar

Slash’s wife will be in my day dreams today (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Michelle Pfeiffer is hot – Lainey Gossip

Cars of celebwhores – Cityrag

Mimi’s manchild husband got a job – Reuters

Solange wearing the basement’s finest – Hollywood Rag