What’s the number to CPS?! Salma Hayek is holding an unlit cigarette in her mouth around her child! (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Ashley Jizzdale and her clit nose on Self Magazine – Egotastic!

Kelly Rowland still exists! – Just Jared

Somebody tell Katie Holmes that the 90s ended a while ago – Lainey Gossip

Beards, beards, beards galore in Portland – Towleroad

Jakey, Reese and RDJ’s Ojai orgy – Popsugar

A lot of dumb fucks googled Kim Kardashian this year – Hollywood Tuna

Brit’s probably just trying to get out the old Cheeto residue – Hollywood Rag

Another HoHan upskirt! – Cityrag

Gis and Tom Brady are not engaged…. – I’m Not Obsessed

But Zooey Deschanel is – ICYDK

The Dancing with the Has-Beens curse continues – SOW

Shocking! One of John Mayer’s favorite things does not include famewhoring – Socialite Life

Josh Duhamel and Fuggie Fug will become man and methface on January 10th in Los Angeles so says People. The two became promised to each other last year. Apparently, the guest list will include Kate Hudson, Nicole Kidman and fellow piss-lovers R. Kelly and Kim KardASSIAN. I lied about those last two, but Fuggie should invite them, because pee pee admirers should stick together.

Maybe Depends can make a special one-of-a-kid lacy blue diaper for Fuggie on her special day? Instead of throwing rice, the guests will throw Detrol LA pills. Josh should agree to stay with Fuggie through pissness and health and for richer or pee-er. And at the end of the ceremony, the preacher will say “you may now change the bride’s diaper.” I can go and on. Fuggie’s pissy pussy never gets old!

Is mercury like a new fucking drug I haven’t heard about. Like if you snort bad fish dust does it give you an amazing high or something? Because Jeremy Piven has dropped out of the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow because of mercury poisoning. Wait. Is that the new street name for coke? Seriously, I’m confused.

Jeremy skipped out on Tuesday’s show and yesterday’s matinee claiming he was feeling gross and sickly. Later on in the day, it was announced that Jeremy would not be coming back due to his doctor’s orders that he stop performing in the show immediately. The show will run until February and they will announce a replacement soon.

David Mamet, writer of Speed-the-Plow and other amazing plays, joked about Jeremy bouncing out of his show early: “I talked to Jeremy on the phone and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury. So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

That wouldn’t be such a bad career move seeing as though he’s probably up anyone and everyone’s ass any chance he gets.

I was a little confused about the whole mercury thing, so I googled some shit and found that you can get it from bad fish. That’s what the douchebag gets for sucking on any dirty coochie that comes along.

Source: E! Online

The phrase “Over the Moon” – Dlisted reader Carrie pointed out to me yesterday that every fucking celebwhore that gets knocked up, engaged or married is always “over the moon” with happiness. Those bitches should jump over the moon literally and stay there. Click here to see my google search on all the whores who use that shit.

What do you get for being married to a chewed-up piece of gristle for 8 years: $76 million!!!

Vadge’s spokeswhore, Liz Rosenburg, told AP that Vadge will pay Guy Ritchie anywhere from $76 to $92 million as part of their divorce settlement.

Liz said the $76 million figure also includes the value of their English country estate and the price of his nustack. He probably got an extra $10 mill for all the therapy he’ll need after seeing her roided-up snatch close up.

Liz went on to say, “I’d assume it’s one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement.”

Vadge and Guy are still working out custody arrangements for Rocco and David.

Christmas has come early for Guy, but knowing Vadge, there’s probably a catch. Vadge is going to make Guy wrestle away the money from her muscly crocodile snatch. I’m sorry, but Guy is no match for her deadly crotchodile. It will swallow him whole.

It feels like every time I blink, a human baby enters the world to eat my food, drink my water and breathe my oxygen. I was curious about this and so I Googled it, dumb fuck. Apparently, a baby is born every half second. That means like 100 babies popped out of vaginas while I was writing those three sentences. I shouldn’t have researched that shit, because now I’m hyperventilating at the thought of gazillions of BABIES crawling the streets, looting the grocery stores for mushed-up carrots and attacking chichis for titty milk. This is the future.

Anyway, Naomi Watts has given birth to the newest member of the child army. Her spokesbitch told E! News that Naomi shot out a baby boy yesterday. This is her second son with Liev Schreiber. Their first kid, Alexander Pete, is a little over a year old.

We don’t know the name of their newest kid, but I’m assuming it will be something pretty normal since Liev and Naomi don’t strike me as attention whores who will give their kid an effed up name so they can be “oh-so-different” and shit. I know, what kind of celebrities are they?!

Personally, I think the should name him Jet Girl in honor of Naomi Watts’ role in her greatest movie of all time: Tank Girl.