Jon Stewart bends Jim Cramer over, slaps that ass and then butt fucks the bullshit out of him without lube – Videogum

Hayden Panatroll can smile and give me cupcakes, but she will always be a bitch! – Celebitchy

They told her there was a third world orphan waiting on the roof – Socialite Life

Rose McGowan still exists – Popoholic

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s contract really is up and they aren’t re-negotiating – I’m Not Obsessed

Everyone is dying on Dancing with the Has-Beens, basically – E! Online

Stuff him in a rocket launcher and send him on his way – The Sun

It’s confirmed that Ike & Tina 2.0 have recorded the grossest song in the world – ICYDK

Jada Pinkett Smith to teach kiddies all about Thetans, barley water, brainwashing and de-gaying! – AP

Instant face-lifts on eBay will instantly make you look like you’ve just walked out of the Mickey Rourke School of Beauty – Urlesque

Kerry Katona is getting rid of another tit in her life – Holy Moly!

Here is more proof that Anne Heche’s brain is living on another planet. The planet of ABSOLUTELYFUCKINGNUTS. Over the weekend, Celestia and the dude she cheated on her husband with, James Tupper, brought a baby boy into this world. The real world. According to UsWeekly, they already hate him because the name they wrote on his birth certificate was: Atlas Heche Tupper.

Atlas has a half-brother named Homer. Atlas and Homer. Just because those names belong in books doesn’t mean it makes Anne Heche look smarter. It makes her look crazier. Poor Atlas. If you say it really fast, it sounds like assless. That’s not right.

Just for shits, I googled Atlas Heche Tupper. The first page of images had a picture of Anne’s nutso face, the sax-playing walrus, a pierced ho putting a spear through his tongue and the rest of the pictures were of dogs. That tells you everything. If you google your baby’s name and the page is mostly filled with pictures of furry animals, that means it’s a damn pet name! It’s not a baby name.

Whoever is holding Anne’s string, please let it go and allow her to float back into space.

Mayor Pat Ahumada of Brownsville, Texas -Mayor Pat is a massive pet lover and in a crazy, crazy way. The overzealous superhero for all animals has been known to go above and beyond for a furry friend in need. A few days ago, Pat got a call from a local TV station that a dog was stuck on a balcony in a home. Pat called the fire department and arrived at the house. He saw the dog lying on the balcony with its paws hanging off the side. He climbed a ladder, broke in and saved the dog! Everyone cheered, however the owner wasn’t fucking thrilled. Bitch was home and found Mayor Pat standing in her kitchen. The best part is that the dog was just trying to get some damn sun. It was sunbathing! Damn. A bitch can’t sun their ass in peace anymore.

The owner is pissed and said her dog is well taken care of. Mayor Pat said, “I didn’t know the condition of the dog or if the building was abandoned. … The animal’s paws were hanging out from the railing and he was struggling to get up.”

In 2007, Mayor Pat got into some trouble because he took a dog thinking it was a stray and gave it to a family. The dog belonged to someone and the whole thing ended up in court. In 2004, Mayor Dog Lover was charged with thieving after he stole a dog from a shelter, because he said the bitch wasn’t getting proper treatment.

Mayor Pat’s heart is in the right place even though his brain fucking isn’t!

Source

It’s not even noon and we’ve already got ourselves a grade A dumb motherfucker here. Actually, a bunch of you sent this mess to me last night, but I couldn’t let it fuck with my buzz. I filed it under “not today” and kept on buzzing, but today is now the day.

When I was at my mom’s house this past weekend, her cat (don’t say the p word) was making my fucking fingernails fall off from his annoying ass behavior. This pussy would run around like it was on speed, then stop and randomly attack my face. This pussy was asking for it, but never once did I think, “Oh, I’m going to hot box this pussy to mellow him out.” Surprisingly, the thought never did cross my mind. Like I’m going to waste my weed on a pussy that won’t appreciate it!

But it crossed the mind of this piece of trash right here and he acted on it. 20-year-old Acea Schomaker of Omaha, Nebraska was arrested for misdemeanor animal cruelty after he shoved his kitty in a homemade box bong and then blew weed smoke in there to “calm her down.”

The cops showed up to Acea’s house, which he shares with his pepaw, after responding to a domestic disturbance call. The cops cleared that shit up, but returned after finding out there was an arrest warrant out on Acea for possession of drug paraphernalia. When they strolled back into the house, they found him hot boxing his kitty. Acea said that Shadow, his 6-month old kitty, was hyper and needed to be calmed down.

You know who needed to be mellowed out? Acea! That dumb bitch should’ve shoved himself in that box. He’s the one who needs to smoke a few more bowls and chill the fuck out. This is not stoner-approved behavior. This ass-brained dick bag needs to get his weed privileges revoked.

Cops say Shadow was completely dazed and didn’t move at all when they drove her to the humane society. They said she was scared, but in good condition. Hopefully, they gave her some Taco Bell, put on some Velvet Underground and let her sleep that shit off.

Source

Reann Ballslee – The drag queen who was crowned homecoming queen at George Mason University. Reann’s real name is Ryan Allen and the students voted his ass as their top queen over two two chicks. Ryan, who performs as Reann at clubs and shit, said he entered mainly as joke and didn’t think he would ever get the crown in the end. Some students couldn’t be happier and some are pissed off, because they said it makes their school look like a joke. Oh, please. It makes their school look fucking hot. Bitches need to tuck it and shut it.

Below is a clip of Ryan talking about his victory to MSNBC. Bitch is a hot dude and a hot a chick, but he kind of needs a new wig. He should ring up Briana Bond and ask her where she bought her gorgeous merlot lifesaver wig.

Rachel Bilson, Seth Cohen’s forever girl from The OC, and the dude who ruined Darth Vadar are engaged to be married. Their Google search ranking must have fell off the charts, so they decided to pull this. It was either that or a sex tape, but I don’t know if Hayden is up for that shit.

Page Six says some dude was on a flight with Rachel and noticed a ring on her finger, so he asked if she was married. She responded, “I’m not married yet, just engaged. I know I look like I’m 15, but I’m actually 27.” One of Rachel’s friends also told People, “They’re a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief.”

I’ve heard a queer story about Rachel’s new fiance, but the friend who told me could’ve been on some of the bad shit and mistook Hayden for some random trick. Who knows. My friend said his nutsack smelled like guinea pig poop. Okay, when a friend tells you something like that, it’s time to check them off the list and walk away. Their services are no longer needed.