My thoughts exactly, baby with a bear.

The pus trickling out of an open sore on 2006’s taint issued a sorry statement through GLAAD last night and let out a stream of sowwies for the things she said on a recording that was secretly taped by a cab driver. Parasite Hilton was caught saying that “gays are disgusting,” “most of them have AIDS” and that she’d never want to be a gay guy, because she’d die of AIDS. As Parasite kicked at her closed closet door to stop the starving chihuahuas in there from crying for food, her publicist typed this out:

As anyone close to me knows, I’m a dumb piece of shit I always have been and always will be a huge supporter of getting publicity the gay community. I am so not sorry and so not upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans that don’t exist and their families with the comments heard this morning. I was having this private conversation with a friend of mine who is gay and our conversation was in no way towards the entire gay community but only towards the ones with AIDS. EWW!. It is the last thing that I would ever want to do and I cannot put into words because I’m too fucking stupid to do so how much I wish I could take a cock right now back every word.

HIV/AIDS can hurt anyone, gay and straight, men and women. It’s something I don’t take very seriously and should not have been thrown around in conversation.

Gay people are the the most disgusting and horniest strongest and most inspiring people I know. It is so wrong when people bully or put down others for being gay. No one should have to go through that. Again, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and the joke is on you because I don’t have a heart I feel absolutely happy that my name is actually coming up in Google Alerts in the year 2012 horrible. I hope that everyone can accept my apology and know that it is not who I am or how I feel in any way.

Thank you for taking a minute to read this shit I didn’t write, I love you unless you’re a gay dude, a black person or have a gross disease. EWW!.

I can actually appreciate Parasite’s fake apology, because if she didn’t issue one, Chick-Fil-A would’ve hired her as their new spokeswhore and then we’d see her disfigured ostrich face everywhere.

While wearing a coat made of the carcasses of Benji’s slaughtered relatives, Liberty Ross left London’s Serpentine Gallery last night with a dude who isn’t her cheating skank husband Rupert Sanders and she held hands with the dude, so this obviously means that she’s scrubbing away Kristen Stewart’s saliva (that was transferred to her chocha by Rupert’s tongue) on a shrub of curly British pubes. Obviously.

I know, Liberty Ross should be under her bed sheets, wallowing in the shame of her husband passing his nomad tongue to a slow trick with the sex appeal of uncooked peen dough, but she took the advice of important poet Kandi Burruss and is flying above all the drama. Besides, the best way to reheat a cold heart that froze from your husband cheating on you is to put it in front of the warm flashes shooting off of the paparazzi’s cameras.

And I know these pictures of Liberty Ross (Side note: The first time I read the name “Liberty Ross,” I Googled to see if there’s a Ross Dress For Less in a town called Liberty, because I know what’s important.) are heart-stoppingly exciting on their own, but I threw in pictures of everyone’s favorite British drunk Kate Moss. Kate Moss is saving the economy, one vodka shot at a time.

Because the Fall of Robsten conspiracies are the new 9/11 conspiracies, Jenni Maier at Mashable burped up this hilariously ridiculous video as proof that Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross all manufactured the escandalosoness to bump up their careers. Nobody knew who Liberty Ross was before her husband munched on KStew’s box in a Mini Cooper, but now she’s suddenly walking the Alexander Wang show at NYFW. Nobody really knew who Rupert Sanders was and now everybody including my mom (who barely knows my first name and sometimes calls me by her cat’s name on accident) knows his name. Both RPattz and KStew had non-Twilight movies to promote, so it all makes sense! Well, it makes sense after you smoke a couple of bowls and freebase the Twihard juice. You don’t want to know what Twihard juice is. It’s not so much juice as it is cream. I’ll stop.

Jenni at Mashable asked the second thing I asked after watching this video. The first thing I asked myself was, “Why am I watching this video? Wouldn’t straightening then crimping my pubes be a better use of my time?” The second thing I asked myself was, “If they were all in it together, why would they need to doctor the pictures? Couldn’t KStew just pose in them herself?” Jenni straightened her tin foil visor and answered that question poking at my brain:

According to this video, Rupert Sanders helped stage these photos with the help of an anonymous women. Clever editing shows that the notorious photos featured in Us Weekly don’t match up to photos of the real location. There are all kinds of scale issues with Rupert Sanders and Kristen Stewart’s height — and it’s easy to get caught up in what this video’s trying to imply.

But what doesn’t make sense to me is why would they fake the photos? That seems like an incredibly immense undertaking that would bring this conspiracy to a whole new level. Not only does it mean Rupert Sanders (and his anonymous henchmen) framed Kristen Stewart, but also that they had a reason to do so.

Not to mention that Kristen Stewart apologized for these photos within 24 hours of the news breaking – and hours before the issue of Us Weekly even hit newstands. So why would she apologize for something so devastating that she hadn’t done so quickly. Wouldn’t this be the kind of issue that would cause marketing teams to come up with an elaborate PR strategy to deflect negative attention from Kristen? A strategy that would probably take an entire day (at the very least) to create.

Commenters allude to the fact that blackmail could be involved and that could be the reason she apologized so quickly.

BLACKMAIL?! Any conspiracy theory that involves BLACKMAIL is my kind of conspiracy theory. That’s some Alexis Carrington shit right there. But in order to believe any of these conspiracy theories, we also have to believe that Kristen Stewart isn’t six layers of boring who is only capable of drooling on herself, biting at her lip, blinking and making mouth love to a fully loaded bong. Once I see a detailed video disproving that theory, I’ll consider believing the other theories.

For now, the only thing this video proves is that when you mix together a Twihard, the music of Jet, Google Street View and an all-night meth binge, fucked up things happen.

via HuffPo 

“Don’t fucking touch me, dude!” is what the paps say fell out of Kristen Stewart’s mouth this morning when a bodyguard tried to help her walk through the crowd at Pearson International Airport in Toronto.  It warms the core of my cunt gene knowing that supposedly spending weeks Emo-ing into her bong over shitting on RPattz’s sparkly heart hasn’t changed her miserable bitch ways.

KStew wore RPattz’s dirty hat on her head AGAIN and this means that either: a) The prop master of the staged production known as her fake relationship with RPattz hasn’t collected it yet or; b) KStew wants the dried unicorn sweat from RPattz’s enchanted forest hair on top of her head as much as possible; or c) That actually isn’t RPattz’s hat. KStew stole that hat from a hobo she bitched out after he looked at her funny. Shifty hobos and RPattz do have the exact same fashion sense.

While promoting On The Road at TIFF yesterday, The Associated Press asked KStew if it’s going to be awkward promoting the last Twatlight movie in November with RPattz and she only said, “We’re going to be fine. We’re totally fine.”

Some of the crazed Twihards on Twitter think that means ROBSTEN IS UNBROKEN and real, authentic true love isn’t dead, so they don’t have to spend the rest of their nights bawling into the pile of dead cats they didn’t take care of, because they’re too torn apart to leave the house to buy cat food. But to me this just means that Robsten’s contract has expired and at the premiere of Twatlight in November, they’re both going to behave themselves and won’t scrap over that hat while Bear Pattinson cheers RPattz on.

This weight-challenged star, who’s now on a new health kick, is trying to get the iconic fast-food stand Pink’s Hot Dogs in Hollywood to pull the popular wiener named after her. The new vegan convert is demanding that the stretch dog loaded with mustard, onions, chili and sauerkraut come off the menu! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Rosie O’Donnell’s bitching about Pink’s Rosie O’Donnell Long Island Dog, which is a 10 incher. I know, you’d think a Rosie O’Donnell hot dog would be made of rubber and topped with warm roast beef and oysters. In Rosie’s honor, Pink’s should replace her wiener with the Donald Trump dog, a 1″ uncooked dog wrapped in hay and topped with a load of bull shit.

This would be the perfect time for this couple from the very large movie franchise to take their relationship public with all the other distracting news. She has to tell everyone she is pregnant at some point but he just is scared of the fallout from any announcement. Plus, he has been sleeping with someone else too and they don’t know about his relationship so it could be awk-ward. (CDAN)

Peter Facinelli and the one who plays the vampire mom (don’t make me Google for her name) in Twatlight? Just what Kelly Taylor needs!

She is very stuck up and barely talks to anyone on her staff. When she does, she is very short. She doesn’t yell, but she will make her displeasure clear by either giving you a cold stare or berating you in front of the rest of the staff.

“Are you a fucking idiot?” is her favorite question. She thinks that you should read her mind and intuitively know what she wants before she even asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re new or young or have barely ever spoken to her. You should just know what she wants!

Lately, she has been even more irritable than usual. She told someone on her staff to call and get her tickets to a sold-out concert. When they didn’t get the tickets, she lit into them at a production meeting. “Why the fuck do I even have you people? I don’t understand why I have to ask for things when you people should already know what the fuck I want? You’re all a bunch of fucking morons! Especially you,” she said, pointing at the young staffer. No wonder her entire staff hates her. (Blind Gossip)

Katie Couric? Judge Judy? Nancy Grace? RuPaul (I wish!)?

Officers from Child Protective Services who visit OctoMom’s future house of bad decisions, wherever that may be, might be wondering why Octo’s 11-year-old son stands in the corner with frozen eyes and a Magic Eraser in his hand that he uses to scrub the dark-sided images from his head. This is why. Octo tells Celebuzz (via Crushable) that she is completely honest with all fifty million of her kids and the older ones knows about her fap porn debut. I doubt they know that she hugged her clit with her fingers until her eyes rolled back, but they do sort of know that the piece of Wonder Bread they’re eating was bought with money she made from fucking her own body on camera. Octo puts it like this:

“I raise them in total honesty, so they’ll never have any resentment or harbor resentment when they grow up. They do [know] to a certain degree. They do not know the total details, but I raise them in total honesty.

They’re totally desensitized…our experiences allowed all of us to pull out strengths we didn’t know we possess.”

Octo truly is operating on a different frequency than the sane. Total honesty? I’m not a parent and I know that you’re not supposed to fill your children’s ears with the truth all the time. That’s just crazy bitch talk. If the world becomes an even more fucked up place by me becoming somebody’s dad, I’m so not going to tell them the truth. I’m going to lie to them all the time. It’s the best thing for everyone. “No, kid, I wasn’t drinking drunk juice while watching you and your little friends play in the park. It was grape juice and it was unsweetened, which is why I didn’t give you any. I don’t know why your friends told you that. They must have a disease that makes them lie all the time! I forbid you to see them anymore! Not really, but I’ve always wanted to say that.” “No, kid, I can’t buy you that candy. Did you know that every time a parent gives into their kid’s whines and buys them a candy at the checkout lane, a kitten gets diabetes?“

The only thing I won’t lie to my kid bout is the Santa thing. I won’t let some fake bitch get all the credit for me standing in a long ass line with a bunch of assholes at KMart on December 24th to buy some dumb toy.

That being said, it was good of Octo to tell her kids. When they go on the Internet and Google “How can I get a pack of wolves to adopt me?”, they’ll eventually somehow run into their mom’s self-fuck video. They’re going to find out anyway.

And when Octo tells her kids about her ear-murdering song, they’ll each respond by doing this: