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Rooney Mara got to make sweet mouth love with the inside of Ryan Gosling’s arm and call it work – Lainey Gossip

In exactly 9 months, we’ll see pictures of Olivia Munn with an engorged mound on her arm. It won’t be a tumor, it’ll be ASkars’ baby – The Superficial 

Google Street View: Water Edition should hit the East River next so the mafia will have to find a new place to dump bodies – Towleroad

iCamelToeShield coming soon from Apple – Hollywood Tuna 

Kylie Minogue’s ass crack makes an elegant appearance – Drunken Stepfather

Woe is Tommy Girl – Celebitchy

I’m pretty sure Ted Danson’s boner knocked out that bottom button – Popoholic

JWoww’s engagement ring looks like some shit from Claire’s – ICYDK

27 reasons why most hos shouldn’t take on the catsuit – The Berry 

The moment Mila Kunis realized she has godknowsfuckingwhat of the lungs after swimming in the East River – Popsugar

This fly is Fly – SOW

Kids in Breaking Bad costumes. That is all. – Videogum

Tina Fey as Holly Golightly – Just Jared

Spaz de la Huerta did it first, did it better and I don’t think the ghost caught Gonorrhea from her – Hollywood Rag 

I really need to buy a house where pussy falls out of the faucets – Cityrag

If you play this on mute, it kind of looks like he’s having violent sex with a ghost – OMG Blog

“Diamonds” sounds more like CZes – I’m Not Obsessed

UPDATE: NOOOOO! Thanks to Raquel for letting me know the original story about my new favorite thing in life came form a website that is the Spanish equivalent of The Onion. I am suing EVERYONE for screwing with my no-no’s emotions. It still stands as today’s HSOTD for that picture alone. Someone still needs to make this happen. Pimp Mama Kris, you know what to do.

Sperm-flavored chocolate from the Spanish chocolate company Chocolates Valor! You finally know what it’s like to go down on Willy Wonka.

Kim Kartrashian makes millions of dollars from doing as much work as a discarded tampon applicator lying in the gutter does, is famous for no reason at all and yet she hasn’t completely felt like all of her dreams have come true until the moment Chocolates Valor announced that they are serving up a huge load of chocojizz trickling out of a giant chocolate dick. Chocolates Valor, take all of Kim’s money, drop your entire stock at her loading dock (yes, that’s a euphemism) and leave her alone with her new true love forever. We’ve finally found Kim’s kryptonite!

Chocolates Valor, who is known for turning chocolate into sex tools for sluts, announced in a press release that they are the first ever major chocolate company in the world to make the first chocolate that tastes like the Axe Chocolate Man’s used cum rag. No word if they’re cumming out with a pineapple-infused chocolate cum flavor next. Here’s their press release from NTN24 as translated from Spanish by Google:

“Chocolates Valor, combining tradition and modernity, has stepped forward to be the first major chocolate brand in the world who decides to combine the intense flavor of our premium quality chocolates with the subtlety and creaminess of the best semen.”

The best semen?! Did they hold a taste test at the Scientology bath house to ask the experts what the best-tasting jizz is? Speaking of, when Kelly Preston walks into the private massage room off of John Travolta’s bedroom and finds him ass up with chocolate streaks all over his butt cheeks, she now knows what happened. His Scientolohole went on a chococum binge.

And I put Chocolates Valor official NSFWish press photo after the cut, because it’s only polite to warn you whores that you might not be able to resist the urge to plant your tongue on your screen for the rest of the day. GO!

This is the perfect Hot Slut for Yom Kippur. It’s the perfect dessert for all post-fast Yom Kippur feasts and that chocolate peen is circumcised, so it’s totally kosher. Happy Yom Kippur, everyone!

(Thanks, Mely)

This dude left the Sunset Towers hotel in Los Angeles last night looking like a zombie just humped on and bit at his leg, and I’ll give you three guesses as to who this mess is:

1. Dude used to hang out with Parasite Hilton a lot, so that explains the infection and it also makes that gross scab the second nastiest thing to touch his leg.
2. Looking at his pictures may or may not give you the urge to stick your fap parts in a bowl full of Crisco and processed candies shaped like a certain Travolta.
3. You always keep a tube of antibiotic ointment in your pocket just in case you see a picture of him and need to disinfect your eyeballs.

And the answer is….GO! 

Why it’s Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis!

If you do a Google search for “Jason Davis staph infection” you might be directed to the free clinic website telling you to immediately come in to be quarantined. But if that doesn’t happen to you, you’ll see article after damn article about how he’s had an MRSA staph infection for years. He got it after scraping his leg in a fall or something like that. Ever since then, his SUCIO ass has been strutting those uncovered crusty sores all through Los Angeles.

But at least Gummi Bear doesn’t let that infection stop him from bringing the sexy with his fupa out:

And because it’s lunch times somewhere, here’s a close-up!

via Pacific Coast News

The gorgeous raven orchid who somehow wandered in from the 1980s to provide some much needed glamour to Ramona Singer’s anti-abuse charity fashion show on last night’s episode of The Real Mental Patients Housewives of New York City.

All of the attention was supposed to be on the stupid bitch brawl between the humanized shaken bottle of pinot grigio that is Ramona Singer (aka Trailer Turd) and Aviva’s horny charbroiled tortoise of a father, but my eyes just wanted to stay on the exquisitely crafted beauty who was probably the IT GIRL of the Sumerians in the early 80s and is now the IT GIRL of the New Jersey dental practice where she works as an assistant office manager. Every time she popped up on screen during the anti-abuse event, I was reminded that even in a field of neurotic craziness, a demure and stunning flower can grow. This unnamed jewel is like a come-to-life portrait of Linda Dano painted by Patrick Nagel.

Whenever you start to think that the world is an ugly, shitty place, just close your eyes and think about how somewhere this beauty is using half a bottle of White Rain hairspray to make her bangs look like onyx waves crashing on a shore of elegance.

Dear Bravo, every time I watch Aviva Drescher slowly suck the fun out of the room with the verbal streams of judgement that come out of her mouth, I just want to beat my head against a prosthetic leg. Please replace that frigid human wrapped around a butt stick with the beauty above. Thank you.

Kanye West’s debut sex tape isn’t even out yet and a sequel is already up for sale too. Kanye’s team of lawyers sent out cease and desist letters to several websites, threatening to sue them for every last dollar they get from Google Adsense if they even think about posing a clip of Gay Fish flopping on punane. Kanye pretty much confirmed that it’s him in the sex tapes and also confirmed that Pimp Mama Kris taught him to threaten to a bitch so it looks like he didn’t leak the tapes himself even though he totally did.

TMZ says that the first tape (which may or may not co-star Kim Kardashian look-alike Mony Monn) is 20 minutes long and the second tape is even longer. The second tape co-stars a different trick than the first tape and Kanye uses his fishstick dick to hump on her for almost 40 minutes. Kanye doesn’t want any outside eyes to see his taco meat-covered ass bounce up and down, and he claims somebody stole the tapes from his computer. So yeah, either Pimp Mama Kris has already trained little Mason Disick how to crawl into hotel rooms to steal files off a computer (“You have to earn the diapers on your ass somehow, kid” – PMK to Mason) or this shit is just another stunt.

Kanye taking 40 minutes to bust out an orgasm makes sense. When Kanye’s hitting it from the back and looks down and realizes he’s putting it in a lady vagina instead of a boy butt, he gets soft and has to start all over again. FRUSTRATING! Kanye sometimes tapes a picture of himself to his trick’s back, so he can try to cum while staring at the thing he loves most, but have you ever tried to jizz while looking at a picture of Kanye West? It’s impossible. I’m sure the trick he was boning on didn’t mind. While lying there she finished her taxes, she cut her cuticles and finally made it to the next level on Angry Birds. A ho gets so much done when Kanye’s on top of her.