TMZ says that long before Minka Kelly, seen here poking the eyes out of her dog friend (or whatever the hell she’s doing in that picture above) a couple of weeks ago, made a piece of Styrofoam look like it’s full of emotions by trying to act on Friday Night Lights, she made a fuck tape that’s currently being shopped to the highest bidder. Those of you whores who are into the bland cauliflower version of Leighton Meester and have been waiting for this moment, shouldn’t pull down your panties just yet. Because TMZ says that Minka’s sex tape could close the PedoBear Film Festival, because there’s a chance she’s under the age of 18 in it. So that’s why when you Googled “Minka Kelly Sex Tape” just now, this GIF came up.

Apparently, Minka Kelly (or as the CDC calls her, Jeter Herpe Victim #864) made the tape in New Mexico with an ex-boyfriend and they both knew their crotch thrusts were being recorded. The camera was set up on a tripod and was hooked up to a TV, so Minka and her boyfriend could watch themselves going at it. TMZ thinks that the tape could be stamped with the PedoBear seal of approval, because Minka dances and sings to two songs on Brandy’s “Never Say Never” album, which came out two weeks before Minka’s 18th birthday on June 8, 1998.

If Minka is playing the “Mah Pussay Was Illegal In That Video” card to stop hos from seeing that shit if it leaked, then she needs to come up with better proof than the Brandy thing. I mean, Brandy’s “Never Say Never” album is as classic as Beethoven and not a second goes by when someone on this planet isn’t dancing and singing to it. So the Brandy theory is invalid. But the most shocking detail of this sex tape is that Minka can actually sing and dance at the same time since anybody who watched that Charlie’s Angels mess know that she can’t say lines and act at the same time.

What a fucking mess. She looks mad. Did some Good Samaritan from the dealership finally break into her new ride and install an ignition-required breathalyzer/crackalyzer/delusionalyzer? How this bitch is still let behind a wheel….wait, it’s LA. Nevermind. Lindsay Lohan has Tweeted that she enjoyed Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in The Hunger Games so much that she wants to do a Thelma & Louise remake with her. Geena Davis just looked up from the remnants of her career and pointed her bow and arrow at the Chateau Marmot’s “fucked-up bitches” exit. She’s just waiting.

From Lilo’s Twitter:

Jennifer Lawrence in “The Hunger Games” is genius. I want to do Thelma&Louise w/her but ala Natural Born Killers (style wise) 2 girls-2 guys

That last part sounds like what she ordered from the escort service last night.

Jennifer Lawrence and Oliver Stone probably texted “BITCH IS CRAZY” and “I NO RITE?” to each other after seeing that. There is no way in hades that Katniss Everdeen is going to deign to do a film with Linds’ crackers, no-talent ass. The only way Katniss would ever appear with her on camera is if Lindsay murdered someone with her car and Jennifer happened to be in the background of the crime scene photos.

I’d watch this movie, though. If it was a documentary. And they started at the end. And Jennifer rolled out of the car before it went off the cliff. And White Oprah was in the trunk.

Here’s more pics of Lohan trying to leave Chateau Marmont while smoking and trying to hide from the paps. You know someone is toe up if they think playing “Monkey See, Monkey Do” is masking them from the paps. Vogue up in that motherfuckin’ car, Linds!

“I believe you, Blohan!” said absolutely no one last month when Lindsay Lohan blamed crashing into a semi on her rented Porsche’s brakes. It turns out we were all right. One of the many shitty excuses that dribbled out of LiLo’s ass after the accident was that her brakes failed to brake when the semi-truck cut her off on PCH. Well, TMZ says that Porsche heard about LiLo putting the blame on the brakes and decided to check it out. You know where this is going and you already know it’s going to end with LiLo screaming, “Porsche is out to get me!“

Porsche picked up LiLo’s bruised and busted car from the place she rented it from and ran a few brake tests on it. Shockingly, the brakes worked fine and Porsche couldn’t find anything wrong with them. So the only thing broke is LiLo’s ability to barf up the truth.

Why did Porsche even bother? Testing those brakes was a waste of time and money. Don’t they know that if you put one of LiLo’s excuses in Google Translate and translate it from Lohanese to Truth Talk, the exact opposite of what she said would pop up in the right hand box. Bitch can make a lie detector machine combust just by opening her mouth. Every day is Opposite Day in LiLo’s head.

Dr. Fredric Brandt, world-renowned cosmetic dermatologist and a fantastical beauty I thought only existed deep within the mind of J.K. Rowling. You probably can’t get up right now, because looking at that precious picture of Dr. Brandt made your asshole pucker so hard that it suctioned itself to your chair.

Every weekday morning at 11, I keep The View on in the background, because the sound of rabid, crazy hens hysterically pecking at the same seed really helps me to work. And about halfway into yesterday’s show, the high-pitched pecking suddenly stopped and was replaced by the ethereal vision of a shining albino sun whose shooting rays of beauty covered my retinas with perfection. I don’t even know what the hell Dr. Brandt was on there to talk about, because I temporarily lost my sense of hearing to focus on taking in his radiant gorgeousness with my eyes. But after his segment ended when he disappeared in a cloud of star dust, I Googled his ass and found out that he’s the greatest cosmetic dermatologist who has ever lived, or something. Dr. Brandt is like a plastic surgeon, but instead of using a scalpel as his paint brush, he uses a needle full of injectables to create his masterpieces. Apparently, Madge is one of his clients and so I guess she’s the Mona Lisa to his da Vinci. Makes sense since Madge looks like Mona Lisa if you recreated Mona Lisa’s face using creamed veal, spray lacquer and the butt cheeks of a newborn baby.

If you mixed together the potent essence of an Austin Powers villain, the charisma of Lucius Malfoy, the grace of Glenn Close as Albert Nobbs, a drop of blood from a vampire swan and the judgmental gaze of a snobby ostrich, you still wouldn’t come close to matching the overall majesty of Dr. Brandt. J.K. Rowling so needs to rewrite the ending to Harry Potter, because it should end like this: “And as soon as Harry came face to gorgeous face with the Death Eaters’ answer to Aphrodite, Dr. Fredric Brandt, he dropped his wand, got lost in the doctor’s beauty and surrendered himself. Oh, and Dr. Brandt totally fixed that scar on Harry’s forehead in just a few office visits. The end.”

And somebody please tell Lucius Malfoy to cancel his appointment at Supercuts, because he could never pull off a bob the way Dr. Brandt pulls off a bob. Excuse this Death Eaters’ beauty.

It’s been exactly one week since Katie Holmes celebrated Independence Day early by overriding her internal hard drive thus taking back control of her brain from Tommy Girl, and so far she spent the day buying leche at the Whole Foods by her apartment in Chelsea. This is, of course, SIREN-BUSTING BREAKING NEWS, because a little over a week ago, Katie couldn’t reach for milk without a Scientology handler zapping her in the hand with an electrocution saber before telling her that she should really buy a bag of barley and distilled water instead. Freedom definitely tastes like the opposite of barley water.

So, there’s a million upon a million #tomkatastrophe stories out there and every time I read one, another one pops up. Can’t somebody start a 24-hour cable channel where peen puppets act out all of these stories. That’s a missed opportunity. Anyway, let’s get this mess:

From TMZ – Being the bossy bottom that he is, Tommy Girl controlled every single part of Katie’s life including her career. That’s your cue to chap your vocal cords while letting out the longest DUUUUUUUH in history. Tommy wouldn’t let the studio who distributed Thank You For Not Smoking use any pictures of Katie kissing Aaron Eckhart in their promo materials. Also, during the media tour for Batman Begins, Tommy chained Katie inside of his private jet and wouldn’t allow her to fly with the rest of the cast. This “disgusted“ Morgan Freeman. TMZ asked Morgan for a comment, but he was too busy not giving a fuck about all of this.

From TMZ – Some source says that despite what every whore is shouting, Katie not extending her contract with Tommy has nothing to do with Scientology. Katie’s team is only using the Scientology shit to get at Tommy. Katie was practically one of L. Ron Hubbard’s main homegirls and would go to meetings and audits by herself. Bitch probably only went because she’d rather burn her “Thetans” off in the sauna than look at Tommy’s face at home. Also, I’d hardly call “Tommy controlling Katie’s ability to walk via remote control” as Katie doing that shit on her own.

From Radar: Scientologists brainwashed Isabella and Connor into thinking that their mom Nicole Kidman is a sociopath. They were forced to sit in daily sessions where they were told over and over again that Nicole is nuts. Or the Scientologists just saved their words and tried to prove to Isabella and Connor that Nicole is crazy by showing them Bewitched on a loop. It worked, obviously.

From The Village Voice: SCIENTOLOGY CRUMBLING. The headline paired with a picture of Tommy and David Miscavige butching it up on bikes says it all.

From Radar: The President of Scientology’s 27-year-old son mysteriously died from a fever 4 days ago and his mom, who quit the Church of Xenu in 2010, hasn’t been allowed to see his body.

From The Village Voice: David Miscavige’s wife Shelly hasn’t been seen or heard from since 2007. Shelly went missing right after she started looking for a job without getting her master’s permission first. Tony Ortega, VV’s Scientology expert, thinks that maybe Scientology is holding Shelly in one of their compounds, but I’d like to think she pulled some Sleeping with the Enemy shit and is living under a new name in Cedar Falls.

From Radar: Scientologists are flooding major media websites and trying to get the anti-Xenu comments from commenters removed by reporting that shit to Google.

So basically, all of this has Scientologists losing their minds (more than usual) and the only Scientologist that is secretly happy about this is John Travolta. For the first time in weeks, bitches are sniffing up Tommy’s Scientolohole and leaving John’s itchy Scientolohole alone for now.

TLC’s Strange Sex is back in two weeks and you know what that means. It’s that time of year when we all get mild concussions from banging our heads on the table while trying to break the images in our brains of people doing sucio sex shit. On the first episode of the season, we meet Jeff, a man who is kind of like a vampire, but instead of getting thirsty for virgin blood, he gets thirsty for tit milk. Jeff’s fetish for suckling on the nipple knob was born when he watched his wife breastfeed their daughter. Jeff says that chichi leche must be nature’s Viagra, because it has cured his erectile dysfunction. As I said in the headline, WWDBS (What would Dr. Blossom say)?

Maybe it’s because I’m desenstitized (typo and it stays), but Jeff swallowing his wife’s breast milk during sex isn’t that bizarre to me. I’ve heard about it before and it’s one way to get some Vitamin D. But the thing that really made me turn inside/out was Jeff looking at his wife breastfeeding their baby the same way I look at someone drinking a delicious beer. Jeff licked his lips with his eyes. WHY?! Parents need to realize that one day their children will grow up and learn how to Google.

I bet that Jeff’s biggest disappointment in life is that he can’t build a time machine so he can travel back 30 years from now and marry Michelle Duggar before Jim Bob.

via Daily Mail