After being closed for CENTURIES (read: about a week), the doors to the comment section are finally opening up again tomorrow. It feels like I’ve been yelling at an empty big white box for the past week, which I kind of have. There’s going to be one big change, though. (This is the part where I down three shots of rubbing alcohol with a splash of gin.) The comments are moving to Disqus and mostly because it has the word DIQ in it.

When I first brought up the idea of moving to Disqus last week, some readers emailed me and said “YAAAAASSS!” to that shit and some readers emailed me and said “NOOOOOOO!” to that shit. I’ve been playing with Disqus on both ends (the commenter side and the moderator side, and yes, that’s the first time in years I’ve played with anything on both ends) for a few weeks, because a lot of people told me I should consider moving to it. After playing with it on both ends (yes, I wanted a reason to type that a second time), I felt it was the best thing for the site. So we’re going to try it and see how it goes. The comments from the old site will be lubed up and shoved into Disqus, but logins won’t. I figured that some of you might want to register with a different email address or post anonymously, so the logins won’t be moved over. With Disqus, you can either register for a Disqus account, post as a guest or if you really want your friends and loved ones to know your feelings about the Kartrashians, you can use your Facebook, Twitter or Google+ account.

As for other site stuff, we’re still fixing a few glitches and tweaking here and there (“Me too!” – Amanda Bynes). Remind to never move again. Thanks for the emails and thanks to the boxed wine at Target and my weed dispensary for being there for a bitch.

And you probably didn’t read any of that since you were getting lost in James Haven’s puckering anus lips. Here’s James Haven keeping the skull cap alive while puckering next to Jon Voight and a lady guest at last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Now is the time to use your entire life savings to buy stock in Pfizer (don’t do this), because billionaire Rupert Murdoch is filling his pool with Viagra pills now that he’s single. While Rupert celebrates being single by getting his balls ironed, gold diggers of the world should practice giving him a beej by deep throating a dehydrated celery stalk that’s been left out in the sun for a few weeks. Now is your time to shine, gold diggers!

Deadline says that the 82-year-old CEO of News Corp and the future star of DETV’s (Death Eaters TV) version of The Bachelor filed for divorce from his wife of almost 14 years, 44-year-old Wendi Deng Murdoch. Rupert and Wendi’s 14th wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks and this is the perfect anniversary gift to her! The gift of FREEDOM and a possible multi-million dollar divorce settlement! (Although, I hear that Wendi is a mega bitch to the core and is about as pleasant as doing yourself in the urethra with a tiny dildo, so maybe this is Rupert’s anniversary gift to himself.)

NY Mag says that for the past few months, Rupert and his third wife Wendi have been living totally separate lives. Wendi takes care of their two girls and Rupert is out there trying to destroy Dr. Who.

It’s a damn shame that Larry King and Hugh Hefner are married. If they weren’t, they could team up with Rupert and become the new and improved Pussy Posse. The other Pussy Posse would worship at their hooves as a harem of gold diggers spoon fed them pureed lettuce in the club.

And I hope that Rupert puts a bonus in Wendi’s settlement for doing this:

That is above and beyond the call of gold digger duty right there.

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The other day, a picture from Twitter of ASkars and Ellen Page looking like two members of a denim gang cuddling after robbing a Levi’s made the rounds and The Daily Mail (aka the only news source you can trust to deliver the one hundred percent truthiness) said they’ve been dating for over a year. This caused millions of people (no, it didn’t) to Google the question “Does Alexander Skarsgard have a vagina we don’t know about?” because whores sprained their brains while trying to picture ASkars and Ellen Page as a for real couple. But according to one of People’s sources, they aren’t having hot midget giant sex.

Some source tells People that ASkars and Ellen are only friends and they’re not double bearding for each other and she’s not using his lighting rod dick to do chin-ups while warming up for fuck times with him. They are only friends who go to hockey games with each other and cuddle in San Francisco parks together.

To me, ASkars and Ellen were as believable as a couple as Fred Phelps and my asshole (actually, depending on which glory holes Fred Phelps trolls, he and my asshole might’ve already dated), but I’m still a little sad to hear they’re not doing it in real life. If they were, they could’ve had a foursome with Hayden Panettiere and her giant Ukrainian boyfriend. It’d be like Cirque de SoLittlePeopleAndGiantSex and I’d want a front row ticket. But whatever, ASkars and Ellen are only friends and co-stars and hopefully they stay co-stars and star together as Batman and Batgirl in a movie. Or the Jolly Green Giant and Little Green Sprout. I’m not picky.

Does this mean that “Follow me on Twitter, you faggots!” is the new “Google me, you dumb fuck“?

The brawl between GLAAD and Amanda Bynes that nobody expected is about to happen, because crazy in a wig called People Magazine “faggots” on Twitter today. I’m sure Amanda will scream that she was hacked, the tweet was mocked-up and it was all Photoshopped. But you know, maybe this tweet was “mocked-up,” because Amanda called People “faggots” instead of “ugly faggots.” Hmmm…

Demi Moore is still living the life. She’s running around in a bikini, popping her cougar puss at clubs and humping on a young hot Australian piece with a pearl-embedded dick. Demi is supposedly getting it on a 30-year-old Australian pearl diver who loves pearls so much that he got one implanted into his dick shaft. This brings a whole new meaning to “give me that pearl necklace.”

Demi first met Will Hanigan a month ago during a 3-day-program to get certified as a Kundalini Yoga instructor and they’ve been boning ever since. Demi jumps from young piece to young piece after a couple of days, so I’m guessing that she’s keeping this dude around, because he sort of looks like Thor and because he’s got an opulent peen. He’s got pearl dick. A source tells the NYDN, “He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens. It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

The NYDN asked a Manhattan urologist about Will’s pearl dick and he said that in his professional opinion, he should probably get it taken out, but he can see how it rubs the sugar walls of Will’s sex partner the right way.

Because this story is about dicks, I did some extensive research (aka looked on Google images for pictures of beaded peens) and found this little explain about “genital pearling” on BME Encyclopedia:

Genital beading is a body modification which involves the implantation of beads under the skin of the shaft of the penis. These are done primarily for the purpose of physical stimulation (for both the wearer and their partner), as well as everywhere for aesthetic reasons.Genital beading is more commonly done by men, but, recently, a handful of women have adapted this mod as well.

It is important to note that not all sexual partners enjoy the feeling of genital beads. If your partner doesn’t like studded dildos and condoms, you may want to consider not getting this modification. Also, the legality of this procedure varies from region to region, but in general, similar laws apply to small-scale beading as apply to genital piercing.

If you want to see a pair of pussy lips looking like two pea pods and if you want to see pictures of some bubble peens, (NSFW) click here.

I have a feeling this piece is going to stick around for a while. Will does yoga, which means he’s flexible. Will is a pearl diver, which means he can hold his breath for a long time and knows his way around an oyster. And Will’s got a pearl embedded into the trunk of his peen, which means he can make Demi’s heart flutter by saying, “I wanna drop my pearl into your oyster.” All the other young dudes can get out of the line, because this one’s here to stay.