The entire HIGH ART community is shitting and barfing themselves into a frenzy and that’s because the true HIGH ART queen of HIGH ART, Lady CaCa, has come back to finally give them some potent HIGH ART shit to overdose on. Lady CaCa’s first single is called “Applause” (insert LaurenBacallisNOTamused.jpeg here) and here’s the cover art for it. I just…. I don’t know. I’m kind of like her left nostril. I’m trying to run on up out of there. Bitch looks like Anna Nicole’s clown face smashed straight into a community theater production of Pagliacci, fell into a puddle of Pennywise’s jizz, was pulled out by Bozo and hit by a Barnum & Bailey truck before falling down a hill into the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Bitch looks like a half-assed Easter egg. Bitch also looks like the kitchen counter at an IHOP. She’s covered in egg yolk, smashed frozen blueberries and raspberry syrup. What I’m saying is that this is art (obviously) and I’ll never be able to eat at an IHOP again.

via WWD

Oh look, Hannibal Lector is making s’mores. – Texndoc

Runners-up:

David Miscavige charged Tom to plug himself into L. Ron Hubbard’s artificial butthole and find a way to eliminate Leah Remini from everyday life. – Alien

Excuse me, Busey. I think you have someone stuck in your tooth again. – HoneychileNO

Apple finally releases the iMAN, with Google Maps because they still can’t ask for directions. – Veryoldbat

via Cheezburger

Seen above carrying a purse made of Kim Kartrashian’s coochie warts in NYC today, Pimp Mama Kris is out there pimping her talk show Kris and is shamelessly using her newborn granddaughter to get viewers. Would you expect anything less from this wreck? On Today (via UsWeekly) this morning, Matt Lauer asked Pimp Grandma Kris if North West’s face is going to make an appearance on her talk show and she pulled some “You’ll just have to tune in and see!” shit.

Kim and Kanye West supposedly wet farted on a $3 million offer from an Australian magazine for the first pictures of North West, because they want everybody to think that they’re all private now even though we all know their delusional asses are just holding out for Brangelina money. There’s a rumor that PMK is trying to convince Kim and Kanye to debut North West’s face on her talk show so it won’t flop harder than The Lone Ranger, but she wouldn’t confirm or deny it to Matt this morning:

“I think you’re just going to have to wait and see and tune in, because I’m not sure exactly what’s going happen. I won’t tell you it won’t happen. (I’ll) give you a little something to think about. You never know who’s going to show up.”

I’m probably going to watch Pimp Mama Kris’ Not-So-Fun Hour Of Whoring, because I hate myself, but I don’t think the promise of seeing North West for the first time is enough to get people to watch that crap. I mean if you want to see North West the way Kim and PMK see North West, just go to Google Images, type “big bag of money” and there you go. If PMK really wants her show to be the most-watched show in the history of shows, she should announce that her first guests will be a pack of rabid wild dogs, a huge swarm of killer bees and the tiger that mauled Roy Horn. That’s how you get people to watch, PMK!

Pics: Wenn.com

Never, ever Google “Chyna’s clit”. – sweetas

Runners-up:

I really wish my Mother in Law would stop with the selfies. – Dog

I thought Kim was going to sell pictures of her baby, not where it came out of. – ANightWriter

Deprived of the life-giving properties of Lindsay’s credit card, Dina quickly reverted to her original form. – Kiwi_Chicklet

via Cheezburger

Above is a clip of JLo performing for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of “one of the world’s most repressive countries,” at his extra fancy birthday party in Avaza, Turkmenistan last night. As expected, human rights groups and Mia Farrow are throwing shit at JLo for getting paid at least $1 million to perform for the dictator of a country with a shitty human rights record. Facebook, Twitter, most of the Internet and being openly gay is illegal in Turkmenistan and journalists have been psychically and mentally  tortured in the country’s prisons. The president of the Human Rights Foundation shook his head at JLo and asked if she’s going to perform in Syria next.

“Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies, but her actions utterly destroy the carefully-crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International’s programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women,” said Human Rights Foundation (HRF) president Thor Halvorssen. “What is the next stop on her tour, Syria? The dictator of Kazakhstan’s birthday is July 6, maybe she will also pay him a visit?” Halvorssen asked.

Freedom House ranks the Berdymukhamedov dictatorship as one of the nine “worst of the worst”; Transparency international ranks it as a bottom-seven country in their Corruption Perception Index; Reporters Without Borders classifies him as a “predator of press freedom” and ranks Turkmenistan as the world’s third-worst place for journalists, between Syria, North Korea, and Eritrea; HRF considers it one of the world’s most totalitarian regimes. Berdymukhamedov was re-elected with 97% of the vote in 2012. The vote was so obviously fraudulent that the OSCE declined to even send observers.

Cut to JLo calling up the dictator of Kazakhstan to tell him that there’s too much heat on her right now and she can’t sing “Happy Birthday” at his birthday celebration next month, but can she keep the pile of blood stained money he gave her?

JLo’s spokeswhore played the dumb bitch role and said that JLo and nobody in her team knew about Turkmenistan’s human rights record. If they did know, she would’ve never performed there.

“Had there been knowledge of human rights issues any kind, Jennifer would not have attended.”

JLo’s spokeswhore didn’t say if she was planning to donate the money she made.

Ho, please. Like Casper Smart didn’t know something in the milk wasn’t clean when he Googled “best glory holes in Turkmenistan” and nothing came up? Are we really supposed to believe that none of JLo’s people know how to use Google? (Actually, I believe that). JLo would perform at Paula Deen’s slave-themed party if she was paid enough, so she obviously knew. And bitch knew that if she was called out on it, she’d pull some “Huh?! Wha? I thought Turkmenistan was Turkey’s full name! I had no idea!” shit. Well, I guess nothing will make you forget that you’re performing for an evil dictator like millions of dollars.

JLo became Jenny from the Eastern Bloc tonight when she popped her pussy and lip-synched for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of Turkmenistan, at his 56th birthday celebration. Turkmenistan has been called one of the most repressed regimnes in the world by Human Rights Watch. I know, haven’t the people of Turkmenistan been through enough?!

AFP says that JLo and her dancers performed for Berdymukhamedov at a $2 billion Caspian Sea resort. JLo is apparently the first major Western star to perform in the country which is known for its “vast gas reserves and a dismal human rights record.” Reporters Without Borders considers Turkmenistan one of the 10 most censored countries in the world. Reporters are regularly thrown in jail and Internet use is seriously regulated by the government. Can you imagine not being able to access PornHub? That is a serious SERIOUS human rights violation.

Showbiz411 says that JLo was paid at least $1 million plus expenses. Ministers, ambassadors and CEOs all watched JLo shake her quadruple layer ass and move her lips to a track as shirtless dudes dancers around her. JLo put on a traditional Turkmen dress to sing “Happy Birthday” to the president. If JLo sang “Happy Birthday” live, then expect her to be jailed for life for trying to assassinate the president with her soul-killing natural singing voice.

JLo was in the cinematic human rights violation called Gigli, so this isn’t surprising. I just want to know who won when JLo screamed at President Birdyhandmeadove because her dressing room wasn’t painted the right shade of white and didn’t have at least 12 lit Jo Malone candles in it. If you see on CNN that the president of Turkmenistan threw himself into the Caspian Sea after tearing his own ears off, you now know why.