Somebody’s Weird Creampie Fantasy About Joan Rivers Came True At A Party Last Night

March 1, 2014 / Posted by:

If you looked at this picture of the Cryptkeeper’s sassy grandma and got the feel goods in your no-nos, I’d strongly advise you to call up a shrink or an exorcist or something, because no one with a shred of sanity left should ever get turned on by a cream-covered Joan Rivers. That’s the kind of secret you take to your grave, like having not-right feelings for your cousin or that time you shoplifted Alanis from Sears.

Last night, Joan Rivers confused onlookers when she emerged from the QVC pre-Oscars event at the Four Seasons (everything about that sentence sounds so alagant to me) angry, disheveled, and covered in cream. She wouldn’t say what happened, but unless she was outing herself as a sploshing enthusiast (do not google that), it was clear that she had been cake bombed.

However, something in the milk wasn’t clean to me. The placement of the cream on her face was too precise to be the result of an ambush. And unless there was a second cake bomber from above, the angle to which the cream hit her hair is too high. I don’t believe she was cake bombed at all; I believe this was…A STAGED PUBLICITY STUNT. You can call me Marg Helgenberger, cause I just CSI-ed the b-hole out of this bitch.

Aaaaaand, I was right. According to E! Online, the reason Joan’s face was covered in cream was because Miss Piggy (no, not Kim K’s dick-hungry crotch hog…Miss Piggy the muppet) pushed her into a cake backstage at the party. Well, the hand up a puppet’s ass pushed her into a cake. Apparently, the two have some kind of human-puppet feud, probably because Joan Rivers is jealous of Miss Piggy’s natural-looking facial sculpting (Fix-A-Flat will never be a substitute for high-density foam). Of course, their cake-fight just happens to coincide with Miss Piggy’s appearance on QVC and the release of the film Muppets Most Wanted.

Here’s more of Joan looking like what might pop out of a cake at the world’s most terrifying birthday party, as well as Joan after her fight with Miss Piggy:

(Pics: Splash)

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