Charles Bothuell IV’s 12-year-old son, Charles “Charlie” Bothuell, went messing on June 14th after he walked out of the family’s Detroit townhouse instead. Charlie never came back and in the days after he went missing, his family, the Detroit PD and everyone looked everywhere for him. Detective La Toya Jackson was flown in (no, she wasn’t) to get to the bottom of it and Detective Courtney Love was given Google maps of the area (no, she wasn’t) so she could use her excellent detective skills to find the kid. Charles went on Nancy Grace’s show on HLN (stands for Hysterical Lunatics Network) on Tuesday night to beg the public to help him find his son. Real quick side question: When did Nancy Grace start caring about kids that aren’t white girls? That’s the real mystery that needs to be solved.

During the interview, the asshole monster that Dr. Frankenstein created using the corpse of a rabid hyena, a helmet made of hay and 12 tubes of expired liquid eyeliner heard from one of her producers that Charlie was found in the family’s basement. The same basement that was searched by everyone including Charles, Charles’ wife and police with cadaver dogs. Nancy is about as soothing and comforting as a blow job from a crocodile with an overbite, so as soon as she tells Charles that Charlie is alive and well, she makes a face that says, “The hoax is up, bitch.” While Charles reacts to the news that his son is okay, Nancy grills him and asks, “Did you check the basement?“, “Did you check your cell phone?” and “You’re telling us you and your wife searched the basement?”

Charles’ reaction is a little suspect, because if that was me and I learned that the missing 12-year-old kid I’ve been losing sleeping over magically appeared in the basement I searched a thousand times, I’d rip my mic off and say to Nancy, “Gotta go, bitch, I have some ass whoopin’ to do.” But in Charles’ defense, anybody would be stunned and bewildered if this face stared at them through a monitor:

You’re feeling stunned and bewildered, right? See what Nancy’s face does.

Local 4 Detroit says that Charlie was found barricaded behind boxes and a five-gallon drum in the basement. They don’t think he barricaded himself. Detroit Police Chief James Craig told reporters that the kid looked happy to see them and they’re not ruling out the possibility that his parents knew he was okay and hiding in the basement the whole time.

Well, my guess is that Charlie finally came out of hiding, because he found out his dad was going on Nancy Grace. Shit has gone too, too far when your daddy starts talking to that crazy bitch.

Donny Thompson, the bearded, camo-wearing, soft-spoken groundskeeper from North Carolina who’s the only reason to watch Big Brother 16, so far.

The first part of Big Brother’s 2-part premiere barfed up on my screen last night and 8 of the 16 housemesses moved into the house that looks like the after birth that came out of a Cabela’s after it popped out the three-way baby it made with a West Elm and an El Torito. So far we’ve met Ariana Grande Latte’s brother who looks like a My Little Pony in the Zanna, Don’t world and is the sole reason for why at the beginning of every Big Brother episode CBS should throw up a warning that reads: Due to the fact that this program contains a hyperactive bolt of pink human lightning who will get on your last nerve, watching while not under the influences of Xanax and red wine is not advised. We also met a meat head from Jersey, a daddy meat head, an annoying DJ, an awkward farm girl and a model/esthetician (because there really aren’t enough aspiring models on reality TV). But all of those hos faded into the background and became nothing but blurry objects when Donny Thompson came onto my screen. Donny had me within 2 seconds of his introduction when he said that he eats a Pop Tart every morning for breakfast. A man who has a magnificent beard like Don King’s hair AND who enjoys a healthy, nutritional breakfast? In love: I am.

42-year-old Donny is single, lives alone and he hates working out, but loves to eat and watch TV. We’re soulmates! According to his bio, Donny loves hunting, but hates killing animals and I’m wondering how that works out. When Donny’s stalking wild animals out in the wild and he spots one, does he stealthily tip toe up to it and then hug it really tight and give it kisses on the head? Yeah, I’m going with that.

It’s still early, so Donny could eventually show his ass and start spewing out racist foolery. It is Big Brother, after all. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. Donny is a gentle pussy willow of a man who wouldn’t hurt a fly. A Pop Tart, maybe, but not a fly. Unless that fly was sitting on his Pop Tart…. Anyway!

Here’s Donny’s video interview. He looks and acts like Matthew Fox if Matthew Fox starred in a Duck Dynasty-ified reboot of Forrest Gump.

Part-time rapper and full-time messy disaster person Azealia Banks managed to pull herself away from her most recent Twitter fight for long enough to give an interview to Out Magazine and explain why it’s taking her as long to finish an album as Kendall Jenner trying to finish reading the first page of The Cat in the Hat.

2012’s most popular Azealia (not to be confused with the current title holder, Iggy Azalea) told Out that the reason it’s taking her forever to release something other than that Casiotone-sounding song from The Bling Ring trailer is because she hates her current label, Interscope, and she’s dragging her heels on purpose to spite them. Wow, difficult gremlin Azealia Banks is being a difficult gremlin on purpose? SHOCKING!

“I can’t talk about what I’ve been writing about because I’m just keeping stuff until I’m off this label. I can’t really risk them getting excited about me again. I kind of want them to think that I’m dead. I haven’t been leaking any songs that could potentially be hits. I haven’t been releasing anything that could potentially be phenomenal.”

Azealia doesn’t need to talk about what she’s been writing, because anyone with a wifi connection knows 99% of her writing is done on Twitter, 100% of which is the exact opposite of “phenomenal.” And the only potential hits Azealia has are the ones that come up after searching “Azealia Banks + hot mess” on Google.

And with a name like Banks, you’d think she knew a thing or two about how money works, but apparently not. How does she think she’s going to make any money if she’s holding all that bleep-bloop Nintendo music hostage from the people who keeps the lights on at her gremlin cave? Bitch needs a Suze Orman in her life.

Pic: Splash

Seen here serving up some ‘contemplative Munchkin cat-legged rent boy’ realness, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was arrested on Tuesday for sticking around long past his expiry date of 2012. NO! It was because the human version of nut sweat on a workout bench at the gym got into a fistfight with his brother, Frank Sorrentino.

According to TMZ, cops were called to the tanning salon they co-own in Middletown, NJ after a fight broke out between the two brothers over a business disagreement (“Frank! You forgot to order more Playboy Bunny tanning stickers!”). Police arrived to find The Situation sporting a bloody black eye rassling with Frank in the middle of Boca Tanning Salon, so they broke up the fight and arrested The Situation. He was booked for simple assault (too easy) and released on $500 bail. $500 for punching the shit out of someone in the middle of a tanning salon? Apparently getting arrested for assault in New Jersey costs the same as a fishing license.

This isn’t the first time an employee of Boca Tanning has called cops on The Situation: last week, the police were called to Boca because over bounced pay checks. Hmmm, something in the muscle milk ain’t clean. Oh, I know! It’s because it’s a business that’s run by a roided-up dum-dum former MTV reality star pill head. Dear employees of Boca: save yourself some time and put the number for the Middletown police on speed dial. You will be calling it often.

If you want to see a greasy talking boner, TMZ has a video of The Situation leaving the police station. My only question is: what in the fuck is with the giant scratches on his neck?? Is “Frank Sorrentino” the New Jersey alias of Lux the Cat?

Pic: Instagram

Fun probably-fact: Dr. Oz’s glum “I’m getting scolded by senators face” is probably the same as his “Darn, my poop isn’t banana-shaped today” face.

Not a conversation with my mom goes by without her saying to me, “Well, honey, Dr. Oz says….” So all those senators who snatched Dr. Oz’s wig yesterday better hold onto their chairs and get ready, because once my mom figures out how to find their email addresses and email them, their eyeballs will never be the same again. Those bitches will be asking Dr. Oz if he knows a supplement they can use to stop the burning they got in their eyes after they read a rage-filled email from a level 10 Ozoholic in California. My mom still asks me how to go to Google.com, so it could be a while before she goes after them, but she will go after them one day!

Dr. Oz thought he was in DC yesterday to testify before the senate about scammers using his image and name to sell weight-loss products (like green coffeebean extract) that he endorsed on his show. But surprise, bitch. Dr. Oz got hit with a banana-shaped log of truth when a bunch of senators shook their heads at him for talking up weight-loss supplements to his legion of devoted followers who would tongue kiss a toad if he told them that toads have enzymes in their mouths that kill belly bulge. NBC News says that Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri, who chairs a Senate committee on consumer protection, gave my mom’s God a verbal slap down for overselling weight-loss stuff he knew didn’t work.

“I don’t get why you need to say this stuff because you know it’s not true. So why, when you have this amazing megaphone…why would you cheapen your show by saying things like that? When you feature a product on your show it creates what has become known as the ‘Dr. Oz Effect’ — dramatically boosting sales and driving scam artists to pop up overnight using false and deceptive ads to sell questionable products. While I understand that your message is occasionally focused on basics like healthy eating and exercise, I am concerned that you are melding medical advice, news, and entertainment in a way that harms consumers.”

Senator Claire McCaskill, you dun goofed! Now you’ll never be Assistant of the Day!

After those senators ripped Dr. Oz a new one (which he’s probably into because that means he’s got more places to expel banana-shaped poop from), he tucked his tail in between his legs and said that he really does believe in all the products he pushes and he’ll turn down the “flowery” language from now on.

I would interview Dlisted’s resident Dr. Oz expert, my mom, about this travesty, but I already know what she’s going to say:

WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! That senator probably eats too much sugar!

Witch hunt is right! I mean, in that still above he kind of looks like the Grand High Witch in a toupee.

Every time I watch Dr. Oz, he’s always pushing something. One episode he’ll say that rinsing your butt out with flax seed oil will make your shit come out smoother and the next episode he’ll say that putting butter in your coffee gives you energy (Side note: A side effect of drinking butter in your coffee is that you’ll suddenly want to be served by black men in white suits. It’s the Paula Deen effect). Sometimes I want to try the stupid crap he says to try and I know that if I do try it and it doesn’t work, it’s on me, because I made the decision to try it. When are we, as consumers, going to take responsibility for…… You know, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m too busy bracing my ears for when my mom calls me to say that she heard I said her precious Dr. Oz looks like the Grand High Witch and how could I say that? “You only said that because you eat too much sugar. Dr. Oz says you need to cut down on that sugar. I’ll send you some brown rice syrup” is probably what my mom will say.

And here’s Senator Claire McCaskil being the Uncle Ben to Dr. Oz’s Spider-Man.

At Sunday night’s show in Milan (“I love Italy! Pass the Beefaroni, y’all!”) Canary Yellow’s brake fluid-chugging country cuzzin Miley Cyrus spotted someone in the audience holding a cardboard cutout with the head of Selena Gomez and the body of a gingerbread Dr. Frank-N-Furter. So she did what anyone would do when their Google alerts have been a little lethargic; she picked up the toddler-faced cutout and hillbilly yodelled “FU” to it while giving it the finger.

TMZ has the grainy video of Miley serenading the Flat Stanley version of Selena (yes that was my second Flat Stanley joke of the day, and no I didn’t hire my eight-year-old neighbour to ghost write for me so I could finish watching OITNB) and she only sings with it for a moment before throwing it back into the audience. Some think that possum-brained tweaker snatched it during “FU” to send a shady message to Selena. Others say she was excited to see a prop she hadn’t yet rubbed her stank on. But let’s be honest, she probably took it because she thought it might have drugs.

Miley has a nose like a bloodhound; her sense of smell is so sharp, she can detect drugs from more than 20 feet away (the TSA actually tried to use her as an alternative to drug-sniffing dogs, but she got fired when she wouldn’t stop eating the drugs and humping people’s legs). She probably caught a whiff of the T3’s she keeps hidden in her coochie, spotted what she thought was Towelie’s girlfriend (aka her dealer), pulled her on stage so she could buy drugs, mouthed “Y’all cain’t arrest me if I’m in International Waters, y’all!” to security, realized she was holding a drawing on a pizza box, sniffed at the bikini for leftover Sharpie fumes, then tossed it back into the audience with a note that said “NEXT TIME HAVE DRUGS PLZ”.

Pic: Splash