Hot Slut Of The Day!

Donny Thompson, the bearded, camo-wearing, soft-spoken groundskeeper from North Carolina who’s the only reason to watch Big Brother 16, so far.

The first part of Big Brother’s 2-part premiere barfed up on my screen last night and 8 of the 16 housemesses moved into the house that looks like the after birth that came out of a Cabela’s after it popped out the three-way baby it made with a West Elm and an El Torito. So far we’ve met Ariana Grande Latte’s brother who looks like a My Little Pony in the Zanna, Don’t world and is the sole reason for why at the beginning of every Big Brother episode CBS should throw up a warning that reads: Due to the fact that this program contains a hyperactive bolt of pink human lightning who will get on your last nerve, watching while not under the influences of Xanax and red wine is not advised. We also met a meat head from Jersey, a daddy meat head, an annoying DJ, an awkward farm girl and a model/esthetician (because there really aren’t enough aspiring models on reality TV). But all of those hos faded into the background and became nothing but blurry objects when Donny Thompson came onto my screen. Donny had me within 2 seconds of his introduction when he said that he eats a Pop Tart every morning for breakfast. A man who has a magnificent beard like Don King’s hair AND who enjoys a healthy, nutritional breakfast? In love: I am.

42-year-old Donny is single, lives alone and he hates working out, but loves to eat and watch TV. We’re soulmates! According to his bio, Donny loves hunting, but hates killing animals and I’m wondering how that works out. When Donny’s stalking wild animals out in the wild and he spots one, does he stealthily tip toe up to it and then hug it really tight and give it kisses on the head? Yeah, I’m going with that.

It’s still early, so Donny could eventually show his ass and start spewing out racist foolery. It is Big Brother, after all. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. Donny is a gentle pussy willow of a man who wouldn’t hurt a fly. A Pop Tart, maybe, but not a fly. Unless that fly was sitting on his Pop Tart…. Anyway!

Here’s Donny’s video interview. He looks and acts like Matthew Fox if Matthew Fox starred in a Duck Dynasty-ified reboot of Forrest Gump.