Excuse me a moment, I just got severely second-hand high from this picture and I need to lay down. Also, is it just me, or is that hot dog cowboy kind of handsome? Hold on I’m totally going to try to get his number.

Miley Cyrus, the perpetually-stoned teenage burnout who used to sniff glue while listening to Phish’s Rift on a Sony Walkman every day in your 10th grade art class, told Australia’s Sunday Night (via The Guardian) that she thinks y’all should just calm the frig down about her constantly shoving marijuana into her mouth hole, because it’s causing her less harm that reading the shit people write about her online. When asked if she thinks smoking as much good shit as she does will someday rot what’s left of the lukewarm bag of Frito pie she calls a brain, Miley responded:

“You know what hurts your brain? Googling yourself. You know what hurts your brain? Instagram. You know what hurts your brain? Reading comments on Facebook. You know what hurts your brain? Reading US Weekly.”

One time I smoked way too much salvia and had convinced myself I’d time-traveled back to a newsroom in 1976 (I might have had a Mary Tyler Moore Show drug trip? Good lord, even my drug trips are lame) and that was the single most fucked up I’ve ever been in my life. When I came to, I was shaking my friend by the shoulder and begging him to tell me what year it was. But time-travel hallucinations are nothing compared to reading the next-level incoherant comments on Instagram. I’m no Bill Nye, but I’m sure that reading word garbage like “U dat uglee THOT bitch i kno u izz TRICKY HO DONT LIE” and “@Beyonce my queen plz check out my cousin she is a stylist who is really much good and talent @Beyonce u shoudl hire her!!!” kills at least 8 times as many brain cells as smoking weed. I feel like that’s why people get hooked on meth; they’re like “Fuck all this reading, just let me smoke the crazy and save myself some time.”

Pic: Instagram

You’d think that the world’s saddest-looking pussy would be attached to the crotch of Justin Bieber’s one-night side piece who heard him say, “It’s in balls deep, babe, TAKE IT,” after she said to him, “Okay you can stop pinky fingering me and give me the salchicha already,” but this sad-looking pussy has that sad-looking pussy and all the sad-looking pussies beat.

This is Tucker, an adorable ball of fur who was born with a genetic condition that always makes her look like you on a Tuesday morning after a 3-day holiday weekend. Metro says that Tucker was brought into the Purrfect Pals adoption center Arlington, WA after her human wasn’t able to take care of her anymore for whatever reason. Tucker has a genetic abnormality that causes her face to droop and she bruises easily, so she has to always wear a protective shirt. Tucker’s bio (which has since been deleted) on Purrfect Pals’ site says that even though she’s got a lot of ills, she’s got a lot of love to give and she really loves children. Can’t you tell? That’s her “I really love children” face above.

Tucker came to Purrfect Pals when her owners could no longer keep her. She is a very unique looking cat due to some genetic abnormalities but is very cute and lovable! Because some of her joints are not constructed normally, we have to be careful to provide steps and other  accommodations so she won’t hurt herself. Tucker also has an auto-immune disease that makes her skin very thin and easy to bruise. She also has hair loss because of scabs that she pulls off. We have to keep her dressed in t-shirts to prevent her from doing too much damage to her skin. Tucker enjoys sitting on laps and playing with string toys! She also loves to be pet under the chin and behind the ears and is great with children!

Tucker’s bio went viral a few days ago, so I’m sure she’s already been adopted, because who wouldn’t want a cat who expresses your feelings about most things perfectly.

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Charlize Theron’s stock continues to plummet. She was such a hot piece! I don’t mean her looks. I mean she had a past, she beat up Teri Hatcher, she had Meryl Streep taking several seats after what she pulled off in Monster, and, well, Young Adult. She even threw shade at a Sister, Sister and that’s just funny. But Sean Penn. And then she compared gossip about her to rape. And now this interview…

And then for some reason our society just wants to go…it’s like a dead flower. [She pulls a flower from a vase.] It’s like we wilt for some reason. 

Yeah, it’s that bad. She used props.

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The recipient of the “Breakout Sexy Piece Of This Year’s Emmy Awards Award” is voted for by the Internet and this year it goes to the guy who helmed all of HBO’s occult-y cop show True Detective. His name is Cary Joji Fukunaga and he also won a Best Director Emmy last night! Congrats, Cary. You and your French braid had Twitter fanning its collective nethers all of last night. See, it’s ok to objectify a bitch as long as his ass isn’t spinning around on a platform and dating werewolves for publicity.

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If you’re ever around toddlers for some reason – first of all, I’m sorry you have to go through that and just remember that Valium and red wine are your friends and support system. But anyway, if you’re ever around toddlers for some reason and never have anything to talk about with them, because they’re toddlers, here’s some ~HOT GOSSIP~ they probably care about. The come-to-life Steve Madden bobblehead who should be thrown in a prison cell for blatantly thieving Charo’s signature hairstyle is getting on Naya Rivera’s leftovers. They’re the JLo and Diddy for the kindergarten playground set.

E! News says that 21-year-old Ariana Grande Latte (Side note: That’s not a typo. She’s a 21-year-old grown person who just looks like a fetus in a wig) and 26-year-old Big Sean have known each for a second or two since they made a song together, but recently they started hanging out more and more. Some source says that the yodeling off-brand Bratz doll who is single-handedly responsible for unleashing the fame whore flamingo monster Frankie Grande on the world and Big Sean went to see The Purge at The Grove in L.A. and they touched lips during it. Because nothing is more romantic than watching creepy fucks in plastic masks set people on fire. A different source spit this out about the two:

“They have been friends since they made the song together. They have been spending more time together and recently have been getting very close. They are both doing great.”

Big Sean was engaged to Kim Kartrashian’s face stalker Naya Rivera a little while ago and after they broke up she married some other dude on their wedding date. Ariana Grande Latte was dating Danny from six period English, but she broke up with him through emojis when she caught him checking out that whore skank Gina in the quad.

This is obviously a PR relationship that was born in a record executive’s office. If Ariana Grande Latte and Big Sean were doing it for real, it would be obvious to anybody with eyes. I mean, if that (NSFW) leaked nude tells the truth, then Big Sean’s dick is about the size of Ariana Grande Latte’s entire body. So if they were fucking, she’d be in a wheelchair or the bottom part of her body would be held together with rope and duct tape because he split her in two.

But if they are together for real, I hope they get married and I hope he takes her last name, so he can become Big Grande (Sean is his last name, right?).

And here’s the newest song they did together and it’s obviously a coincidence that they released it yesterday. I’m bracing my eardrums just in case it’s a hit like that”Problem” song, which is everywhere. I had blood work done at my doctor’s office this morning and even they were playing that song. Is no space sacred?! They were probably playing it because they knew it would make me sicker and then they’d have to feed me more meds. I’m on to you, Obama!

If you Googled “Kate Upton’s nipples,” you’d see Kate Upton’s nipples on a horse and Kate Upton’s nipples under a white, wet t-shirt. We’ve seen Kate Upton’s nipples and we’ve seen pretty much every piece of her body except for both pairs of her down low lips (which I’m sure look like a dwarf rose blooming in the sunlight). Even though Kate Upton has been 98% naked, she’ll never get 100% naked. Details asked Kate if she’d ever do an artistic nude photo shoot in a fashion magazine and she shook her head no, because she knows that shitty bloggers (Why is everyone looking at me like that?) and asshole whores on social media will pick her apart and Photoshop her naked body on an ad for Real California Milk.

For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.

If anybody knows anything about art, it’s Kate Upton. I watched The Other Woman the other day and Kate Upton had the charisma of an ingrown nipple hair and she made the driftwood in the beach scenes look like they were alive and full of emotions. It was so bad that it was performance art.

Yes, naked pictures live forever on the Internet, but so does saying that you will never pose naked. Doesn’t this trick know that you should never ever say never? Those words are going to come back to gnaw her ass cheeks off when her chichis are no longer the most magnificent tits on the stroll and she’ll have to try to get attention by posing with her nipples and cooch out in Playboy. Wait, I shouldn’t have said Playboy. Kate Upton’s body is a work of art and she only poses in the most artistic publications. I should’ve said Penthouse.