I just made the mistake of picturing a naked Sean Penn sneaking up behind Charlize Theron and asking “Will you accept this hose?” and yeah, it looks like I just found the something that will replace Kris Jenner’s silly putty sandworm nose in my nightmares.

During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, Sean Penn revealed a random-as-hell fact about Sean Penn. No, not that his face skin is actually 100% human skin and not a sun-dried butterscotch Pudding Roll-Up like it appears to be, but that he’s a die-hard The Bachelor fan. It all sort of started when Sean asked Jimmy Kimmel “Britt of Kaitlyn“, which is a reference to which of the two new bachelorettes from The Bachelorette he likes more. That’s when he admitted that he and his future first wife Charlize Theron watch it every week. Although sometimes they don’t watch the whole episode; according to Sean Penn, he’d rather fast-forward through all the talking so he can get to the crying. Yeeeeeah, why does that not surprise me.

Whenever I imagined a quiet night in with Sean Penn and Charlize Theron, it usually involved the two of them opening up a fresh set of dishes to smash while screaming about nothing in particular until the neighbors called in a noise complaint. Never in my wildest dreams did I picture them watching The Bachelor. However, this does explain the mystery of who the hell still watches The Bachelor.

Here’s Sean Penn and Charlize Theron holding hands at the premiere of Sean’s new film The Gunman last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Slap yourself twice with a gloved hand if you said to yourself, “Madonna, put some clothes on already!” Madge wishes she would’ve come up with an original and highly artistic photo shoot like this.

I was scrolling through the photo agencies earlier today and after looking at boring picture after boring picture, my eyeballs were hit with the vision of barefoot elegance in a gym towel posing in front of a car in some parking lot. This is Nadeea and that name and face is probably filling your head with nothing but questions marks. Me too, me too, but after researching her for hours (aka a 2 second Google search), I learned that she’s a Paris-born American pop singer who has gifted the music world with platinum aluminum foil hits like “Fuck Me Daddy” and “Song About Polar Bears.” Nadeea is also a social activist, boxing expert and an aspiring gold digger. Basically, she might be my new hero.

The photo agency I got these pictures from said that our new Empress of Pop took these French Vogue-worthy portraits in front of Khloe Kartrashian’s Rolls Royce in a gym parking lot:

Pop Star Nadeea Volianova personal cell-phone photos in front of Khloe Kardashian’s car wearing only a towel in the parking structure of the Beverly Hills gym where they both work out.

FINALLY, we know the sole reason why the Kartrashians exist. If they weren’t greedy fame whores, Khlozilla might not have been able to afford that gaudy wookie mobile and then Nadeea would’ve never posed in front it. The answer to the question, “Why are the Kartrashians a thing?” has finally been answered with this guerrilla glamour photo shoot. Thank you, Nadeea!

Pics: Splash

Seen above looking like the mistake baby of Little Edie and one of the Grey Gardens attic racoons, Shailene Woodley recently talked to ELLE and she gave them Shailene Woodley’s thoughts on love. And not surprisingly, the discount health food store version of Jennifer Lawrence sounds like she’s rolling on a wicked second-hand high from standing too close to the pottery kiln (or as she calls it, the snack station). Warning: it’s very long and will definitely give you the same light-headed feeling you get from sniffing 99 cent store permanent markers.

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There have been at least 200 bitchy glitter pen entries since the John Mayer chapter of Taylor Swift’s Burn Book, but according to John Mayer, people still want to poke their long-dead relationship with a stick and he’s over it all. During a recent interview with MSNBC (via UsWeekly), question asker Ronan Farrow sort of tip-toed around Tay Tay’s name, as one does when they want to talk about Tay Tay so as not to invoke her butterscotch wrath. But John Mayer clearly wasn’t having the perpetual middle school drama of it all and came right out with the following:

“We have to be able to talk about Taylor Swift professionally.”

The Vinegar Prince then brought up his song “Paper Doll“, aka John Mayer’s version of a Taylor Swift break-up song from 2 years ago that was totally written about either Taylor Swift or Barbie, and took a swipe at the gossip telling types who thought it was a swipe at Tay Tay:

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Dena Dietrich!

I watch Golden Girls reruns on the Hallmark Channel at least 5 or 6 times a week, because just like how Muslims have to pray 5 times a day, I HAVE to watch my religion and pay homage to my deities at least 5 times a week. For the past couple of weeks, they’ve been replaying that one episode where Dorothy’s younger sister Gloria Harker comes to visit after losing all of the money her rich ass ex-husband left her. Gloria is all sad and shit and ends up filling her sadness with the dick belonging to Dorothy’s ex-husband Stan in Dorothy’s bed! Bitch showed Blanche that she isn’t the only seasoned shameless hussy in the game. The makers of those Golden Girls saint candles on Etsy (Side note: Thanks to everyone who has sent that link to me during the past few weeks) should add Gloria to the collection.

If none of that is making sense to you, because you haven’t seen every episode of the Golden Girls, then please write an angry letter to the district you went to school in telling them that they did you really, really wrong by not teaching you the wisdom of Dorothy and the three other messiahs of Florida.

In the episode where Gloria fucks on Stan, Gloria is played by Dena Dietrich. (Another actress plays Gloria in a previous episode). Dena Dietrich is Marlene Dietrich’s baby sister whom was never talked about because Marlene didn’t want the world to know she had a sister who was more beautiful, glamorous and talented than her. No, Dena Dietrich is not related to Marlene Dietrich. Dena Dietrich is from Pittsburgh!

I will forever know Dena Dietrich as Gloria Harker #2, but she is probably best known for playing Mother Nature in commercials for Chiffon Margarine in the 70s and 80s. While dressed like Vanessa Hudgens at Coachella, Mother Nature gets ticked into thinking that margarine (remember when that shit was supposed to be better for you?) is nature made butter. Bitch wreaks havoc on the Earth after finding out she got tricked and I’m pretty sure she’s still pissed. That explains the never-ending winter on the East Coast.

Dena Dietrich hasn’t worked since 2007 and I’m hoping she’s retired and is living off of that Chiffon Margarine money for the rest of her days.

Mason, the climbing cat of Russia!

When I lived in NYC, I had to take my dog downstairs to empty his bladder three times a day (I know, life is hard. Thank you for the prayers during that difficult time.) and I always dreamed about making some basket elevator thing. You know, I’d put him in the basket elevator, lower him down to the sidewalk and after he was done pissing, he’d jump back in the basket elevator and I’d pull him back up. (Even if he learned how to use the basket elevator, he would never use it, because if he has to freeze his butt glands off, so do I.)

But anyway, as I watched this video of the climbing pussy of Russia this morning, I wondered where this cat was years ago when I needed him. He could’ve come to America and trained my dog to use a towel rope to get up into his apartment. Evgeny Kochetkov uploaded this video of his pussy Mason climbing up the towel he dropped from his window. If that cat could speak human words, it would scream, “Рапунцель , Рапунцель , опустил свое полотенце!” (Note: That’s supposed to be “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your towel” in Russian, but if it means something totally different and I just cursed a bitch out or ordered a fish dish, blame Google Translate.)

Dear Hollywood, we do not need any more remakes or reboots, but I won’t be mad if you remake Cliffhanger starring Mason. The pussy can even do his own stunts!

via Happy Place