Twice-Married Sean Penn Says Charlize Theron Would Be His “First Marriage”

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

The dampest, dirtiest rag at the bottom of the laundry room rag bag Sean Penn has been married twice and divorced twice to two very famous people (Madonna and Jen-nay from Forrest Gump), but according to Sean Penn, neither of those count, and if he got married to Charlize Theron, the woman he is possibly maybe engaged to, it would be his first. Sean Penn – who has also claimed in the past that no one has ever loved him – tells Esquire UK (via UsWeekly):

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

Don’t worry, I’m sure both Madonna and Robin Wright also like to pretend they were never married to Sean Penn. And I’m sure if you asked them, they’d use the same excuse. “Yeah, it doesn’t count because I wasn’t properly informed that I was marrying a talking sphincter.” Although according to Sean Penn, he’s still on good terms with his first ex-wife and his second ex-wife….’s kids:

“I’m very friendly with my first ex-wife. I would say that I’m on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

Thanks, Dad” hissed Sean’s two kids with Robin Wright. “Save that thought for the future when someone asks you about our relationship” thought Baby Jackson. But back to that whole “first marriage” thing. Does that mean that if Sean gets married to Charlize, he’ll refer to her as his “first wife”? I know it should technically be “my future third ex-wife”, but “first wife” works too, I guess. But at least he’s sort of self aware:

“I’m just another asshole trying to feel good about himself. And why shouldn’t I? That’s what everybody should try to do.”

That’s good, but there are too many words after “asshole”.

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