And Now For Shailene Woodley’s Vaguely Stoner-Sounding Thoughts About Love

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like the mistake baby of Little Edie and one of the Grey Gardens attic racoons, Shailene Woodley recently talked to ELLE and she gave them Shailene Woodley’s thoughts on love. And not surprisingly, the discount health food store version of Jennifer Lawrence sounds like she’s rolling on a wicked second-hand high from standing too close to the pottery kiln (or as she calls it, the snack station). Warning: it’s very long and will definitely give you the same light-headed feeling you get from sniffing 99 cent store permanent markers.

“I’m all-loving. I fall in love with people based on who they are. I never want to love like this”—Woodley holds her arms outstretched, as if to envelop you—”I always want to love like this.” She thrusts her arms behind her back, pressing her chest forward. “Heart centered, like, ‘This is who I am! And I love you if you love me for who this person is. And if not, I’ll still love you, but I ain’t fallin’ in love with you! When you’re truly in love, for me, it’s…you’re my lighthouse! You’re somebody who holds me high, keeps me safe, you’ve got my fuckin’ back…. You also love me whole, wild, and free. You let me do me, and I’m gonna let you do you! And I’ll be the home that you return to.”

ELLE then asked her if she’s currently in love or has a lighthouse or whatever the fuck she said, she answered:

“I was born into a family of warriors, really strong people. It doesn’t mean that it was an easy childhood and we didn’t have our shit, because every family does behind closed doors. But even though my parents are divorced, they get along. I have a family who every day strives to do the right thing. One day I was having one of my teenage crises, when you think everything’s falling apart—your estrogen and progesterone are freaking out. And [her grandmother] said, ‘Shai, the most important thing in life is self-love. You’ve gotta take care of yourself. You’ve got to take care of yourself, and you gotta live from your deep heart.’ For some reason, her saying the words deep heart just always stuck with me. And I was like, ‘Well, what is a deep heart? What does it actually mean?’ What I’ve come to determine in my life is that my deep heart is my—it’s my compassion, empathy, and intuition. Because your intuition never wants to be mean to somebody. You intuitively know that another human being on this planet is hurting just as badly as you may be. The way that they express themselves could be rude or seen as douchey or whatnot. But maybe they’re scared, or had no one there to support them.”

So…she’s single then? I have no clue what in the name of hippie hell Shailene Woodley is trying to say, so if anyone has a New Age Sage Burning Simi Valley Flower Child to English dictionary they could lend me, it would be a huge help. Literally the only words my brain could process were the ones she used to describe her grandma:

“My Grams is the most banging 69-year-old I’ve ever met in my life. She’s so fit. She’s so rad!”

Forget about the all-loving armless hug bullshit, I want to know more about Shailene Woodley’s banging 69-year-old maw-maw! I mean, duh, of course she’s banging. She’s 69-years-old, and as we all know, 69 is the most banging age (what other time in your life can someone ask you your age and you’re able to answer with the name of a sex act?). Although I do take umbrage at Shailene’s use of the word “most banging”; excuse you, Shailene, but until January 19, 2016 rolls around, Dolly Parton holds that title.

Here’s the human that weed rolls up in a Zig Zag when they wanna get high at the London premier of The Divergent Series: Insurgent last night wearing what appears to be a dress in the front and a Walter Lamb chair in the back:


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