And all together now while putting on “River“: NOOOooooOOOOOO.

TMZ says that the legendary Joni Mitchell was found unconscious at her home in Bel Air this afternoon. Someone at her house called 911. Joni eventually came to and was “alert” during the ambulance ride to the hospital. 71-year-old Joni is now in ICU. Her Twitter account confirmed that she’s in the hospital, but they didn’t really have any details. TMZ says that they’re hearing it’s “serious.”

The Daily Mail also points out that in her memoirs, Joni wrote about how she was diagnosed with Morgellons, which is a condition where the sufferer believes that disgusting parasites are living under their skin. If you want to be able to close your eyes again, do not go to Google Images and type in “Morgellons.”

Now let’s resume the prayer circle.

Pic: Getty

To quote the Backstreet Boys: TELL ME WHY?!

And now here’s Liam Hemsworth once again showing us what happens you middle part your hair and you’re not a member of the Backstreet Boys in the 90s or Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. Liam Hemsworth obviously didn’t learn shit from Bradley Cooper, because when B. Coop tried to work the middle-parted hair look, he looked like the human form of DERP who has been arrested several times for getting caught licking the sanitary liners on bikinis in the dressing room area of a Victoria’s Secret. I thought B. Coop taught us all to just say NO when it comes to middle-parted hair.

But I guess Liam Hemsworth was out sick that day, because here he is wearing middle-parted hair in the year 2015 at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Sunday night. When are hos going to learn that when your drivers license doesn’t say the name Leonardo DiCaprio and the year isn’t 1997, do not attempt the middle part. If you don’t have to take 6 hot bleach showers daily, because Lou Pearlman slobbers while looking at you all day since you’re a 16 year old Nick Carter, do not attempt the middle part. If you’re not Jon Hamm on a dating show, do not attempt the middle part.

If you insist on middle parting your hair, at least go full 90s. This would’ve been the look if Liam was wearing a hip-hop Looney Tunes t-shirt, Cross Colours baggy capris and Skechers Chrome Domes. But this is not the look, because Liam did not commit.

Fix it, Moses. You parted the Red Sea, now un-part that hair.

Pics: AP

I think palming her ass was overselling it, huh? Will Smith, wife Jada Pinkett-Smith, and daughter/philosopher-savant Willow Smith attended BET’s “2015 Black Girls Rock!” event on Saturday. Jada received the Star Power Award, and Will introduced her with a tribute to their beautiful heterosexual love. Then he made sure he touched her ass in front of everybody. This was obviously in hopes people would stop assuming he’s Tommy Girl’s permanent +1 down at the Scientology bathhouse.

And boy, did Willy lay it on thick. He mentioned seeing Jada in A Low, Down Dirty Shame, and on A Different World and how he just knew he needed her to beard him and vice-versa to be his lady. He spun a stirring tale of laying up in bed with Jada one morning when he got a Google Alert (after the one about the half-off “Gear For Your Rear” sale on Fort Troff)  that they were getting a divorce. He lay there, thinking of how he would cope if she wasn’t in his life? (Just audition new beards like Cruise did, duh.)

When Jada took the stage, she spoke so many words of wisdom, the most eloquent being something daughter Willow frequently says to her – “I am you. You are me. We are one.” That little girl has ascended past all of us, and should have her own yert in the desert where she can share her truth with the world. Those words didn’t come from her mouth, they came from the shining aura around her! (That family must get the most AMAZING weed.)

Jada SHOULD HAVE received the “Chewing, Swallowing, and Digesting Scenery Award” for her work as Eartha Kitt on Gotham.

Check out pics of Will, Jada and Willow from “BET’s 2015 Black Girls Rock!” event below, as well as snaps of Regina King, Cicely Tyson, Shelia E.(!), Estelle, Jill Scott, Jada’s moms Adrienne Banfield-Jones, Ciara, Tracee Ellis-Ross, Erykah Badu, Janelle  Monae, and that hot bitch Cicely Tyson.

Sam Taylor-Johnson obviously decided that, despite the huge box office take, dignity is dignity. The Fifty Shades of Grey director has opted out of directing the next two installments of the the BDSM for Boring People franchise.

Here’s the statement with which her extremely skilled PR minion came up. Because you know Mrs. Taylor-Johnson’s own attempt read: “HAHAHAHAHA…you thought I was going to suffer that E.L. James heifer again….HAHAHAHAHAHAH, um, no.”

“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful. I have Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota and Jamie. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”

(via Deadline)

By “intense” and “incredible journey” she meant “having to deal with that no-talent writer and two boring yet somehow still very difficult actors who despised each other.” “I have Universal to thank for that” means” those studio dicks who wouldn’t let me out of my contract after I first met the asshole who wrote this shit and still didn’t give me points on the box office, greedy fucks.” “Most especially, with Dakota and Jamie” means “one wouldn’t show his cock when I asked him to even though he wasn’t exactly hired for his thespian skills, and the other hated him and kept bringing Melanie Griffith’s stretched face to the set to coach her daughter’s acting. It showed.” And finally, “exciting challenges” basically means “this absolute shitshow chock-full of self-involved fucks with delusions of talent. In closing, E.L. James can eat my box. Laters!”

No word yet on who will be succeed Sam Taylor-Johnson. It’s not like they were going to be able to afford to give her a salary. I’m sure Scorcese, Fincher, and Spielberg are in a frenzy as they ring up their agents.

Honestly, I’d quit that bitch, too. E.L. reportedly has the air of a terrible hack who won the lottery but fancies herself Toni Morrison. Who can blame Sam for running screaming back to Kick-Ass and his fine ass (fine as long as he doesn’t attempt an Eastern-European accent.)

Yup, that heart tattoo above his Ken Doll crotch is now a broken heart tattoo.

After leaving the One Direction tour due to the stress caused by all the rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend by passing his peen to another in Thailand, Zayn Malik (whose name I can type without checking Google and yes, that worries me) has decided to leave the cushy position of getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing songs in front of billions of screaming, crazy girls who would be devoted to him even if he murdered a village of kittens. Zayn is just not about that life. Zayn, One Direction and Simon Cowell left these messages on Facebook.

After five incredible years Zayn Malik has decided to leave One Direction. Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis will continue as a four-piece and look forward to the forthcoming concerts of their world tour and recording their fifth album, due to be released later this year.

Zayn says: “My life with One Direction has been more than I could ever have imagined. But, after five years, I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band. I’d like to apologise to the fans if I’ve let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight. I know I have four friends for life in Louis, Liam, Harry and Niall. I know they will continue to be the best band in the world.”

One Direction say: “We’re really sad to see Zayn go, but we totally respect his decision and send him all our love for the future. The past five years have been beyond amazing, we’ve gone through so much together, so we will always be friends. The four of us will now continue. We’re looking forward to recording the new album and seeing all the fans on the next stage of the world tour.”

Simon Cowell says: “I would like to say thank you to Zayn for everything he has done for One Direction. Since I first met Zayn in 2010, I have grown very, very fond – and immensely proud – of him. I have seen him grow in confidence and I am truly sorry to see him leave. As for One Direction, fans can rest assured that Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis are hugely excited about the future of the band.”

Zayn Malik IS the Ginger Spice of One Direction. I know you can’t read this since your eyeballs are currently swimming in a sea of sad tears made by you, but if you want a quick injection of happiness, re-read Simon Cowell’s statement and picture his juicy nipples saying it.

Well, it’s been a good run, Internet. We’ve had fun making fun of fame whores and bonded over videos of cats doing nothing, but it’s look like our time has come to an end. We can survive a lot of things, but there’s no way Twitter timelines and the Internet as a whole will survive being drowned by the trillions of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs spilling out of the Directioners. The world will never be the same again. I’d pour out a tub of hair molding clay for Zayn, but that shit doesn’t pour out! Now I’ll leave you to make a “Where I Was When I Heard The News That Zayn Left 1D” video for you to watch in 2025 on the 10th anniversary of this tragic event.

Pic: Wenn.com

Yes, she hates EVERYTHING about America. This is the country that gave us Dynasty, Bea Arthur (it’s my second Bea Arthur reference of the day, because she is my religion and I have a quota to fill), vaporizer pioneer Bill Amato and Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. And yet, she still hates EVERYTHING? I cannot.

Yesterday, I linked to a few things that rapper, professional Twitter troll and anti-Igloo Australia activist Azealia Banks told Playboy, but she said a lot more. Azealia Banks, who was born in America and lives in America, told an American magazine she was paid to pose naked in that she wants to leave this country, because she hates everything about it from the fat white people to the racist memaws of teenage KMart cashiers. CAUTION: Farm shaming ahead!

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