Taylor Swift didn’t only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna’s VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn’t getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj’s British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.

What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn’t be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn’t Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she’s still going on about him? You’d think that by now Taylor Swift would’ve dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor’s game is slipping!

And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don’t mean that in a good way.

Here’s Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham’s yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night’s episode of Girls, I’m glad to see her fully clothed.

Dlisted’s BABIES!!! tag has been overworked lately, so let’s just overwork it all the way. No 15 minute bong break for you, BABIES!!! tag.

If the tabloids aren’t saying that Brad Pitt and St. Angie lied to us all by getting married when all gay people can’t get married yet, they’re saying that they broke up and if they’re not saying that they broke up, then they’re saying that they’re one fetus closer to taking down the Duggars. This week, Star Magazine is going with the last one.

It’s been over 4 years since a fetus has moved into the holy baby rectory in St. Angie Jo’s body, and now some source (aka Maddox and Zahara cranking again) told Star (via Hollywood Life) that she has dusted off her uterus and pulled the white sheets off of the furniture, because she is knocked up again. The source says that Angie has been waiting a long time to add a 7th member to their child army, but Brad wasn’t having it, because the last thing he wanted was another child yanking on his greasy mop while he’s trying to have a quiet and intimate moment with his Vaporizer. But the source says that whether Brad likes it or not, another chosen one will land on earth soon. Brad is apparently telling his friends that they’re having another boy:

“Angelina has been talking about having another child for years now. But Brad kept putting his foot down because of their intense schedules and chaotic lifestyle. She’s focusing on the other children right now, trying to prepare them for the new baby. Shiloh has even determined that the baby’s name must be John.”

The source had me until the “John” part. Like Shiloh is really going to give up the name she gave to herself. The new kid’s going to have to win that name in a rubber knife fight against Shiloh. Besides, if Angie is eating for one now and if she’s having a boy, I hope he comes out Asian and I hope they do the right thing by giving him a name that ends with X (examples: Twix, FedEx, Zerofux, Anthrax, etc…). That way Pax, Maddox and the new baby X can start an Asian boy band in the far future and call it The Triple X.

What his fiancee doesn’t know is what happened to his first wife. She amused him at first, but soon he grew tired of her, forgot to feed her, and eventually flushed her dead body down the toilet. – prommom

Runners-up:

“Well, I guess the party was gonna have to end sooner or later. It’s been one hell of a ride though.” – Jim Bob Duggar’s sperm on his and Michelle’s decision to “just shake hands” from now on. – City Barbie

Vivid takes their stab at the 2013 Oscar nominees with their first feature “Salmon Fucking in Yemen…” – tsizzle7

Blue Ivy has custom-made Sea Monkeys that hang out in the $82,000 private baby suite with her. – skabazzle

via PIU

Like the final round of bidding on “The Price is Right,” desperation sets in for the remaining contestants in Michelle Duggar’s ovaries. Regardless of the outcome, one thing is clear: in this game, there are no winners. – GingeMinge

Runners-up:

You sit in the front row for a L’il Wayne show, you takes your chances. – degostev

Somehow I couldn’t picture Megan Fox catching the Holy Ghost…until I visited her church. – City Barbie

via Break

The AOL CD that terrorized everybody in the 90s!

We should all be shocked and surprised that we actually made it out of the 90s without drowning under a mountain and sea of the CDs that AOL sent out every millisecond of every day. Those evil overlords at AOL tried to take over the world one installation CD at a time, so if you were around in the 90s, you probably got one of these in your mailbox every single day. AOL reproduced those damn CDs faster than roaches produce roaches, bunnies produce bunnies and the Duggars produce Duggars. They not only came in the mail, but you could get them at schools, drugstores, grocery stores, Blockbusters and everywhere else. They grew on trees, infected your nightmares and when you looked into the toilet after taking a caca to see if you were “healthy,” your shit wasn’t banana-shaped, it was shaped like an AOL CD.  In 1998, the CDC reported that the AOL installation disc was the fastest spreading virus of the 90s. It was like a non-stop herpes outbreak for your mailbox.

I don’t know if anybody actually used the AOL CD to install AOL onto their computer. They used it for everything else, though. It was used as a pizza cutter, a touch-up mirror, a portable coke-snortin’ surface, a frisbee, a drink coaster and a cock ring for Enrique Iglesias. If you collected enough, you could make a one-of-a-kind classy bikini or you could retile your bathroom with them.

And if you’re getting nostalgic for one, stand up and look at the seat of your chair. I’m sure you farted one out while reminiscing about them. Even though AOL doesn’t make them anymore, they’re still never going to go away.

Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell’s furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood’s the one who got the starring role in NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC’s president said this in a statement to Playbill:

“Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn’t be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”

First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What’s next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I’m still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.

Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I’m serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.

Here’s Carrie Underwears singing “The Sound of Music” a few years ago: