Josh Duggar Checked Into Rehab
Shortly after InTouch posted a brain-burning story about how Josh Duggar allegedly had rough, terrifying and traumatic sex with a porn star he paid, the Duggars announced on their website that he has checked into rehab and started long-term treatment for something. The Duggars didn’t say what he’s being treated for. As far as I know, there’s no rehab program for creepy hypocrite lie-tellers, so I’m guessing he’s getting treatment for his addiction to that evil gateway sin known as porn. Here’s the Duggars’ full statement:
We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, care and prayers for our family during this most difficult situation with Josh. As parents we are so deeply grieved by our son’s decisions and actions. His wrong choices have deeply hurt his precious wife and children and have negatively affected so many others. He has also brought great insult to the values and faith we hold dear. Yesterday Josh checked himself into a long-term treatment center. For him it will be a long journey toward wholeness and recovery. We pray that in this he comes to complete repentance and sincere change. In the meantime, we will be offering our love, care and devoted support to Anna and our grandchildren as she also receives counsel and help for her own heart and future. During this time we continue to look to God—He is our rock and comfort. We ask for your continued prayers for our entire family.
Jesus be a damage control coach, I guess.
Gawker thinks that Josh is in an actual rehab facility. But well, after Josh admitted to his parents that he molested a bunch of little girls, they sent him to do construction work with a friend. That was their idea of long-term counseling and treatment. So I’m guessing that Josh is in the woods somewhere “rehabilitating” himself by building a pied-à-terre where he can bring his future mistresses.
Pic: Instagram
And Here They Come: A Porn Star Claims She Had Rough Sex With Josh Duggar
Of course I don’t mean “And Here They Come” like THAT. I doubt any of them came with Josh Duggar.
The line marked “Side Hos Of Josh Duggar” has formed and the first woman has come forward claiming that Josh Duggar broke one of the Ten Commandments on her vagine. Next up on TLC: 1 Side Piece and Counting.
If any of us wet humped on Josh Duggar, we’d probably ask a neurosurgeon to open up our skulls and scrub the filth from our brains with a Magic Eraser, but porn star and stripper Danica Dillon has admitted that she and the Quiverfull Porky Pig did a lot more than just side hug. Danice tells InTouch Weekly that she and Josh did sex together twice and she didn’t meet him on Ashley Madison or OkCupid. Josh was a fan of her porn work and this past March, he came up to her at the Gold Club in Philadelphia, where she was performing.
Anna Duggar’s Brother Goes In On “That Pig She Calls A Husband”
Now that Anna Duggar’s brother mentions it, Josh Duggar does look like he should be saying “Th-th-th-that’s all folks!” after crashing through a drum. (No offense to Porky Pig.)
Josh Duggar has admitted to child touching and cheating on his wife, but even after all that, she will not leave him, because if she gets a divorce, her soul will belong to Lucifer and her fellow quiverfulls will label her as “tainted goods.” No, seriously, they’d probably stitch a label that reads “tainted goods” on the back of her long, denim skirt. It seems like everyone in Anna’s life is telling her to stay with Josh, but now we know that there’s at least one person in her family who has a working brain.
The Dude From Josh Duggar’s Fake OkCupid Profile Claims He Has Lost Work Because Of This Mess
Isn’t there a part in the Bible that says “And if thy decides to seeketh side pieces, try not to ruin the career of the random dude whose picture thou taketh to use on your dating website profile“? I’m pretty sure there is.
So, remember when family values cheer captain Josh Duggar got caught with a secret OkCupid profile? And remember how he used a picture of some random guy instead of his own because, duh, his real face is pretty much a giant red flag for vaginas? Well, it looks like Josh Duggar has managed to screw more than just a bunch of chicks he met online. The random guy whose picture he used as his own recently told TMZ that this mess with Josh Duggar has screwed over his chances of getting work.
Matthew McCarthy, the dude seen flexing in a Hatebreed shirt in the OkCupid profile above, is actually a model and DJ from Hollywood. But he might soon be a server at Shakey’s if Josh Duggar keeps costing him work. Matthew claims that he’s already lost one DJ job because the club thought he was part of Josh’s schadenfreude-filled sex scandal. Matthew feels Josh’s use of his picture and subsequent job loss is somehow a defamation of his character, and is thinking about skipping down to a lawyer’s office. TMZ thinks Josh probably found Matthew’s picture by typing the words “random guy” into a Google image search, since Matthew’s picture is the third one to come up when you do that.
I’m no marketing major, but firing Matthew seems like a missed publicity opportunity to me. “One night only, DJ Not Josh Duggar, the face of the Josh Duggar sex scandal, spinning all your favorite hits. And just like Josh would want it, ladies are free before eleven.”
Pic: Gawker
Anna Duggar Is Most Likely Going To Stand By Her Cheating Man
If you thought that maybe just maybe Anna Duggar would break free from the homemade laundry detergent bubble she lives in and grab her four children before running far, far away from those Duggars, don’t think that anymore. The chances of that happening are about as slim as Michelle Duggar breaking out of her own brainwashed bubble, shaving off her mane of secrets and running off to NYC to volunteer for a pro-choice organization.
A source tells People that Josh Duggar’s wife Anna is going to stick with him even though he admitted to cheating on her. What’s really sad is that the source says that they wouldn’t be surprised if Anna tries to blame herself. (Cut to a sad scene where Michelle Duggar takes Anna into the bathroom and tries to spice up her look by teasing her hair and covering it with 5 cans of White Rain hairspray.) The source put it like this:
“Anna will not leave him. As with her in-laws, she is turning more to her faith than ever. She and Josh are probably praying around the clock right now, I would assume.
Maybe not publicly, ever, but privately, there will be some suggestion of whether or not she should have been more aware of the pressures Josh was under, of the issues he was facing, and how she could have better counseled him or helped him. She is fully and permanently committed to her marriage and her children. And she’ll have the support of Jim Bob and Michelle and everyone else in their circle in terms of staying with him and making this work. Divorce is not even something that will be discussed.”
Well, I’m sure Anna is praying around the clock with her eyes closed while Josh sneaks into the bathroom to search “bare ankles” on PornHub and send winky Emojis to his stripper friends on Facebook.
Of course Anna Duggar isn’t going to leave Josh Duggar. That thought never even touched my brain. But if it was the other way around, it would be the end of the world. If Anna Duggar even got caught front hugging another dude, it would be like The Scarlet Letter on all the damn steroids.
By the way, I bet Ben Affleck’s former nanny is preparing to do an ass naked photo shoot for the paps on top of her Lexus, because if Josh Duggar’s side pieces start coming out to talk, we’ll all be like, “Christine WHOnian?”
Pic: Instagram
Josh Duggar Admits That He’s A Hypocrite And Was “Unfaithful” To His Wife (UPDATE)
I was fully ready for Josh Duggar to explain his two paid Ashley Madison accounts by saying that the evil demon gays must’ve put a black magic voodoo spell on him which possessed him to sign up for that devil site. But Josh Duggar has shocked us all by calling himself a hypocrite, because while he was spewing sanctimonious shit about traditional family values, he was also looking for side ass. That rumbling coming from the clouds above is God falling out of their chair, because even they can’t believe that Josh came clean so fast.