Hazel Jones, a 27-year-old British woman who went on national television to confess that when she was 18 she found out that she has two vaginas! Siamese twat! The vagina has two faces! Twat Falls Idaho! The Lori & Reba of pussies! Etc.. etc…

On ITV’s This Morning yesterday (brought to us by esteemed journal of EVERYTHING that is The Daily Mail), Hazel told hosts Holly and Phillip that she went through most of her life with a double the fun coochie and thought all girls had two like her. When she was a teenager, she even asked one of her friends which hole the tampon goes into and the conversation became so damn confusing that she walked away thinking the tampon is supposed to go up her ass. Holly shouldn’t be embarrassed about that. Who hasn’t as a teenager gotten drunk on the Tia Maria they stole from their mother’s secret alcohol stash in the garage and sat on the bathroom toilet thinking what it would be like to have ass sex with a tampon? Who hasn’t turned that thought into a reality and quickly realized they shouldn’t have pulled that shit (emphasis on that) out and just left it up there for a medical professional to discover twenty years later during a prostate exam. We all have!

Hazel didn’t learn that not all ladies have twin twatties until one of her boyfriends pointed it out to her. That must’ve been a fun conversation. “Um, Hazel, why are two frustrated and unsatisfied baginas frowning at me instead of one?” After Hazel’s boyfriend lovingly told her that her chocha looks like a Double Double, she went to the doctor and found out that she’s got two vaginas, two uteruses and two cervixes. Hazel also had to lose her virginity twice to really make it count.

Well, it’s nice to know that the power of dual vaginas and two servings of uterus fell into the right hands. If it happened to Michelle Duggar, we’d all be fucked and Arkansas would become the new China.

And if you’re wondering why Hazel went on television to tell everyone that she’s got a double door vagina, wouldn’t you?! If I had a no-no-no-no, I’d be shouting it from every TV show. Correction: I don’t think I’d be shouting it from every TV show, because I don’t think I’d leave me house if I was able to fap with a rubber horseshoe.

This awards season is shaping up to be very interesting. One of my favorite closeted A list movie actresses, only seems to go for women when her relationships with men go sour. Well, after a recent breakup she found herself at an event and met this foreign born B list actress who you would recognize but would be hard pressed to put a name with the face. The foreign born actress has always said she has boyfriends but I don’t think anyone has actually ever seen one. Anyway, despite being slightly older than our A list actress, the two hit it off and have been spending a great deal of time with each other and try to spend three or four nights together a month. The interesting thing is that both have a good chance of being nominated for Academy Awards this year in the same category. I wonder how that will work out if one wins. (CDAN)

The category is: Best Actress. The A-list sometimes gayelle is: Charlize Theron (Young Adult)? The B-list foreign actress is: Tilda Swinton (We Need To Talk About Kevin)? You know, usually my lesbian fantasies are about Rojo Caliente and me after a peen-to-poon operation, so it’s nice that I have a new lesbian fantasy. And here’s some other options since my new favorite thing is guessing which actresses will suck off each other’s nipples in the bathroom of the Kodak Theater on Oscar night.

Category: Best Actress. A-list actress: Charlize Theron (Young Adult)? B-list actress: Michelle Yeoh (The Lady)?

Category: Best Supporting Actress. A-list actress: Sandra Bullock (Extremely Loud…)? B-list actress: Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)?

Category: Best Actress. A-list actress: Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn)? B-list actress: Felicity Jones (Like Crazy)?

This foreign born A list movie actor who has not done much with his A list status so is probably slipping to B has run through many women during his time in Hollywood. The problem is they all know of his umm shortcomings in the bedroom. Not only his tiny endowment, but also the fact that he has some premature problems if you know what I mean. He tried dating women from other countries, but they also caught on so now our actor has dated two people in the past two months. Both of them are high school seniors. Legal, but are so excited about dating him they don’t care that he is awful in bed and his ego has never been bigger. (CDAN)

The Butler did it? (NSFW) Judge for yourself.

One member of this entertaining family is dropping babies like pebbles, but another is having trouble getting their family started. So the former has offered to help the latter. If the latter couple is still not pregnant by 2013, they can depend on their sibling to carry their baby for them. It’s such an unselfish act, that, although we’re sure they would much rather keep it private, we are hoping that they will consider letting others share in their joy. Perhaps a reality show that focuses on the relationship between the two couples and how the event impacts the whole family? The world really needs to see more of them! (Blind Gossip)

Does Michelle Duggar have a sister we don’t know of? You know shit is serious when I’d rather have another Duggar in this world than another Kuntrashian.

If these pictures of Miley Cyrus with her chest out give us anything it’s the image of what Brittany from The Chipettes would look like if she became a human before getting hit in the face with a shovel – The Superficial

Ryan Reynolds counts the sidewalk cracks as he walks, because doing that is slightly more interesting than talking to Blake Lively – Lainey Gossip

Dickmatized finally has an anthem – Towleroad

“My baby is going places!” slurred out my drunk hero Mama Lynn last year and here’s her baby going places! Specifically, places that will pay her in drink tickets to dance in her bikini at their pool parties. – Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Simpson’s transformation into the next Kirstie Alley is almost complete – Celebitchy

Shakira Squats should really be the name of someone’s band – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Carey Mulligan’s eyebrow situation in W Magazine gets a solid A minus – The Berry

Men in Black 3 looks like a whole new scent of stank shit – ICYDK

Orlando Bloom’s wet, topless and holding a baby. See. Babies really do ruin everything. – Popsugar

If you went back into your family photo album and looked for the pictures from your 12th birthday slumber party, I’m sure your ass was wearing the exact same thing that Brit Brit is wearing here – Popsugar

I’ve had crabs bigger than this bat baby – The Daily What

Baby Tae Kwon Do can’t kick your ass, but he looks adorable while trying to do so – Videogum

White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan have never looked more gorgeous – SOW

The latest Chateau de Cheetos – Hollywood Rag

Or cutest dead puppy, maybe? – Cityrag

Travel + Leisure names Charleston as the city with the most hottest people in it. This picture came up for me while I was doing a Google search on Charleston beauties, so I have to agree with T + L! – OMG Blog

The Duggars named their late child after a titty show in Las Vegas. That is all. – I’m Not Obsessed

After the Tin Man got his wish from The Wizard Of Oz, Dorothy said ‘Fuck Kansas!’ and decided to stay. – cs182

Runners-up:

As soon as he got a glimpse at Xenu’s peen, Tom Cruise knew Scientology was for him. – John_Wilson

What it takes to get Michelle Duggar off after 20 Kids and Counting. – Echo27

via Picture Is Unrelated

The Sperm Bank Bike of Seattle!

First things first, how in the name of cum-on-the-run did I miss the sperm bank bike?! The sperm bike started swimming through the streets of Copenhagen last year and Seattle got one a couple of months ago, and my eyeballs barely touched it this morning at Metro UK. I should’ve spit up a clue when several readers in Seattle told me they saw dudes in Scientology jogging suits running through the streets with both of their mouths wide open. But just like a weak jizz load that falls on your fingers after you’ve sprained your wrist bones from giving your piece a 10-hour long marathon handjob, this post is better late than never.

The sperm bike, which is almost an exact replica of the one Jim Bob Duggar rides up into Michelle’s lady parts, is a custom-designed motorized two wheeler with a vacuum container in the front that stores the man leche samples. The Seattle Sperm Banks started using one, because they say it’s greener, faster and who doesn’t want to get a quick jolt to the ovaries from seeing a giant speeding sperm that looks like it should have the words “Came By KFed” stamped on the side of it?

The sperm bike is such a hit that The Arkansas Sperm Bank is building a Jizz Jalopy, The Miami Sperm Bank is building a Spooge Segway (Spoogeway?) and The Brooklyn Sperm Bank is just going to transport their samples in the beards of hipsters. Here’s the sperm bike in action:

If there’s ever an accident and they need somebody to clean up, they know where to find Paris Hilton.

As the Duggars prepare to enlist their 20th baby soldier, St. Angie Jo and Brad Pitt shuffled their boutique-sized child army through Tokyo’s Haneda International Airport today. They’re all there to boost the Japanese economy by buying toys and art supplies every single day while Brad does the promotion thing for that Moneyball movie. FYI: Brad is the big one wearing all black who looks like a living interpretive art piece of Jessica Biel wearing her beard.

Besides Cheer for Darks laundry detergent, the most used item in the Brangelina household is obviously a skinny comb for side parting their hair. A family that side parts together, stays together, I guess. Zahara and Maddox are the true vanguards here since they refuse to surrender to the side part. When they’re all in front of the communional bathroom mirror, Maddox probably declares all of them sheep by “baaaahing” at them when they side part their hair as he cuts his bangs with scissors and a protractor.