If you haven’t come across this story yet, just guess how old the ho holding the asthma inhaler is? If you guessed mid-40s, then tickle your nipple as a reward. After you’re done with that, telekinetically send this bitch mind slaps to the face, because she’s telling everyone she’s 27! Her IMDB page lists her birthday as 1981. The Daily Mail got a hold of her birth records which state she’s really 45.

“Comedienne” Barbie Orr (real name: Kristine Reinhard) is currently fucking on 69-year-old John Cleese while he’s going through a filthy divorce from his wife of 16 years. Friends say he’s all depressed and shit because he has to pay his ex £1million a year in alimony. One friend also added that John started doing sexy times with younger chicks as a “fuck you” to his ex-wife. His ex-wife is the one who is cackling since John thought he was tickling 27-year-old snatch. The friend went on to say that finding out his girlfriend is a fake ass bitch is the last thing he needs. The friend should also take John to get his eyeballs rotated and deep cleaned, because he actually believed this bitch is 27.

John should’ve realized he was dealing with a batshit crazy famewhoring bitch when she told a newspaper about his pepaw peen. This is what she said: “You know, they’re normally saggy down there, but he really has a nice package. He takes a lot of vitamin supplements and eats really well and he works out. His arms are really muscular and he still has amazing legs. He’s had his teeth all re-done and he recently got hair plugs to cover the bald patches at the front.”

So why is Barbie lying about her age? Apparently, ever since she’s been dating John Cleese, she’s gotten a few roles in shit like Desperate (key word) Housewives and other shit. Barbie thinks that if she reveals her real age, her career will be flushed down the toilet for good. When the Daily Mail confronted her about the lie-telling, she said, “This will be career suicide for me if you print that. Please leave out my age – age is a huge thing to pass. It stays for ever. I am a quiet, cheerful, fun person. Print 35 if that makes them feel better. . . but not 45!”

Every whore in Hollywood lies their age, but this hobag got greedy and scratched off 18 fucking years! Who does she think she is? Catherine Zeta-Jones?

Barbie doesn’t look bad for her age, but there’s no way she can pass for 27. I mean, she could easily be Vadge’s hand-double. Her lips say she’s 27, but her hands say she’s a crypt keeper.

If you care, the Daily Mail has more pictures of 27-year-old (in Kim Zolciak years) Barbie.

Image: INFDaily.com

Wearing this dress is only acceptable if the year is 1987, you live in Arkansas, your name is Destiny and you accessorize this shit with a broken condom baby in your stomach and a six-pack of Natty Ice as your wedding bouquet. Oh and some Whitesnake song better be the wedding march. This dress also works if you’re my abuelita and you’re wearing it on your head to Sunday mass.

Okay, I know this is Miss America and all, but Katie Stam from Indiana should have not been crowned while wearing this dress. She didn’t even wear the right shoes! Only exquisite lucite heels could properly compliment this elegant ensemble. It’s like her mom bought this dress when she was a little girl and said, “One day my baby will wear this gorgeous gown to the shotgun wedding of her dreams!” Unfortunately, the shotgun wedding hasn’t happened yet, so she wore it to the Miss America pageant instead. This dress just confirmed that the whole Miss America crap is still sitting comfortably in the mid 1980s and refuses to move. It kind of sucks that I missed the whole mess on TV. It always makes for good entertainment while you’re bonging.

And try to look a little bit surprised when SHOCKING pictures of our new Miss America are discovered on her Facebook in a couple of months.

Aramis Fuster – This is some I Dream of Jeannie gone wrong. Speaking of magic, Aramis claims to be the world’s only true witch. Apparently, she hasn’t learned the right spell to fix those loose threads on her elegant blouse. That shit bothers me! So, Aramis is a Spanish TV star and master spell caster. She says she was born in 1320 which would make her around 688 years old. That looks about right, right?

Back in March, Aramis said she had an affair with James Hewitt. She says they had beautiful tantric sex in the back of a Landcruiser. Aramis also can have sex with someone who is in another room or country with the help of a “magic mirror.” She calls it a “magic mirror,” we call it a webcam.

And she says she can cure cancer and AIDS! But unfortunately she can’t cure a disorder she herself suffers from called FUGFACE. I kid. Aramis is truly the answer to all the world’s problems.

By the way, her real name is Maria Antonia Perez Sanchez and according to records she’s 53-years-old.

(For Madam S.)

Ana Ortiz (38)
Alicia Keys (28)
Christine Lakin (30)
The-Dream (31)
Mia Kirshner (34)
Dinah Manoff (51)
Jenifer Lewis (52)
The Honky Tonk Man (56)
Anita Pallenberg (65)
Etta James (71)
Leiji Matsumoto (71)
Dean Jones (78)

Someone close to Chelsy Davy should take her in to get a brain scan immediately, because something is not right up in there. She has quit Prince Hot Ginge. Beat me in the face with a boiled horse dick, because I am at a loss. The News of the World says Chelsy just could no longer “put up with his lifestyle” after 5 years together. This weak ass bitch. I could put up with a dozen Black Mambas biting at my ass if it meant I got to lick on Prince Hot Ginge’s royal scepter and jewels. Homegirl really ain’t right in the brain area.

A source said that Chelsy broke that shit off last week, “The couple had a lot of fun but the relationship has run its course. They are still on speaking terms but the relationship has ended.”

Okay, I know that every time Hot Ginge opens his mouth, douchewater-covered shit nuggets come pouring out, but Chelsy just had to shut him up with her vagina. That’s what I would do. Whenever he started to speak, I’d just shove my glazed donut hole in his mouth.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go submit my application video (shot in the bath tub, of course) for a spot in the British Army so I can get close to Hot Ginge. It’s my duty as an American who loves ginger Brits. He needs comforting in his time of hurt and sorrow. And by “he” I mean his carrot peen.

Having a hip bone that pokes past your arms could come in handy. You could hang your little baggies of cokey from it. If there isn’t a coat rack around, you can hang your jacket on that shit. And little kids can take turns swinging around on it. It has many fun and helpful uses. I would try and get my hip bone to stick out like that, but there’s a problem. I like eating food. Yeah, I wouldn’t be happy only eating pussy, meth, Diet Red Bull and nicotine. Okay, maybe just for a second (sans the puss), but then I’d miss apple fritters and macho nachos too much.

So, here’s skinny ass HoHan trying to find size “BITCH EAT AN AWESOME BLOSSOM (OR 50)” while shopping with her sister Ali OLDhan, Ali’s “suddenly there” titties and White Oprah in SoHo yesterday. The fact that you could wash your dirty clothes on HoHan’s spine doesn’t seem to bother White Oprah. She’s too busy trying to spend that bitch’s money!

And looking at these pictures really make me want to run to HoHan, grab her ass and use her to pole vault over something. 2012 here we come!