Dr. Pepper Gum – In the 1980s (duh and duh), Dr. Pepper put out their own gum that was filled their syrup. When you bit into it, you got a splash of DP syrup to the froat. A corn syrup injection! It gave you an instant cavity. Like all magical things, it didn’t last long and Dr. Pepper doesn’t make it anymore.

It was totally my favorite gum at that time. Yes, I know that explains everything. You don’t have to tell me that. It’s already in my mental health file.

(Image via Once Upon A Win)

Taylor Kitsch (29)
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Robin Wright Penn (44)
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Betty Ford (92)

Nike wants you to forget all about the Tiger Woods who throws used tampons in parking lots so they have released this bizarre as shit commercial featuring him getting a talking to from his dead father.

You know, this shit is really weird if you watch it without the sound on. It’s like you’re in a staring contest with Tiger and he keeps losing, which makes him all sad-like.

By the way, don’t imagine Tiger getting beej while standing there, because my gutter ass did and now I can’t erase that picture!

via Deadspin

This is what you see right before you are ripped up into a million pieces.

The pint-sized Hilary Swank agrees and had something to say about it on his Twitter:

Dear @peoplemag Covershoot…next time i laugh real crazy warn me u r still taking pics…still appreciate u but let’s get on the same page

EXCLUSIVE story and pics in the new issue of @peoplemag . I look crazy as heck on the cover but if u cant laugh at yourself u aint havin fun

No, Bieber, please don’t laugh anymore. Don’t laugh. The sight of you laughing makes us all want to reach for our whistles.

Thanks to professional shame walker, Kiely Williams, for that headline. Here’s the always pristine Pamela Anderson leaving a club in Hollywood early this morning to rush home to make her kids sandwiches for school. Pamela looked like she was drunker than a damn tequila worm.

You can tell that bitch is trying hard to keep the drunk barfs from slithering up her froat. She is not going to let the drunk barfs exit through her mouth hole, so they had to regroup and find another way out, which explains why she’s looking a little vommy in the nip area. Pamela, just throw a maxi-pad over your nips before you hit the clubs so this never happens again. I got you.

Whitney Houston’s rep says that she is still laid up in a bed suffering from an upper respiratory infection, so she has been forced to reschedule more dates on her European tour. Damn. Why did I suddenly wonder what Whitney’s sick room stanks like? Let’s not open that door.

Anyway, Whitney was unable to take the stage in Paris last night, and her rep is now saying that she will also have to postpone concerts in Manchester and Glasgow. Dealer’s…..I mean….Doctor’s orders! Whitney is expected to begin her tour in Birmingham, England on Tuesday.

While Whitney’s rep is screaming that she’s got violent nose diarrhea, others are throwing the “crack” word around. It also doesn’t help that in this week’s InTouch, they have a story from some dude who claims he saw Whitney snorting a line of Lohan dust in the middle of a restaurant. From InTouch:

In Touch can reveal shocking claims from onlookers at the Beverly Wilshire hotel in LA who were surprised on March 10 when the singer walked into the bar, appearing disheveled and out of it.

According to eyewitness Marlon David, Whitney was with her ex-husband, Bobby Brown, and she seemed oblivious to who might be watching when she began screaming, “I want a fuckin’ drink!” followed by expletives. While Whitney’s rep vehemently denies that she’s using drugs, David, who was sitting just a table away from Whitney and Bobby, tells In Touch exclusively: “I saw her pull a plastic bag out, put a folded bill to her nose and discreetly snort a line from it of what to me certainly looked like cocaine. She’s extremely thin and looks like a disaster. She’s a hot mess.”

According to David, Bobby — who says he’s now clean — and has lost weight since competing on Celebrity Fit Club — seemed to be disgusted with Whitney’s behavior. “He had so much trouble trying to control her,” says David. “He tried to make her leave, but she wouldn’t. She started yelling his name loudly and calling him a stupid son of a bitch, and he told her to shut the fuck up.”

Aw. It sounds like Whitney and Bobby B are back in love. Quick! Get a camera crew on them NOW! And honestly, what is so bad about Whitney demanding a “fuckin’ drink.” Isn’t that the first thing everyone says when they first walk into a place. We walk into church and scream, “I want a fuckin’ drink!” We walk into a hospital room to visit our ailing aunt and scream, “I want a fuckin’ drink!” We walk into court to answer to charges of disorderly conduct and scream, “I want a fuckin’ drink!” We walk into a private dining room at The Olive Garden for the last supper with Jesus and scream, “I want a fuckin’ drink!”

Furthermore, we shouldn’t assume that Whitney was snorting the bad shit. Maybe it was Miralax to liquefy her doody bubbles? Possible!