If that saying we always say when a famous person dies, “They die in threes,” is true, then Heaven’s newest 3 is Christine Cavanaugh, Luise Rainer and Edward Hermann. Everyone who watched and was all about The Gilmore Girls is going to pour out an extra one into their mouth holes tonight in honor Rory’s pepaw who died this morning at a hospital in New York. He was 71.

TMZ says that Edward has been battling brain cancer and was in ICU for over three weeks. His condition never got better, so his family made the decision to take him off the respirator this morning. He is survived by his wife of 22 years Star Hayner and his 3 kids.

Besides The Gilmore Girls, Edward Hermann was pretty much in EVERYTHING. He was in the original Great Gatsby movie, Harry’s War, Annie, The Purple Rose of Cairo and Richie Rich. He was the head vampire in The Lost Boys and he got 2 Emmy nominations for playing Franklin Roosevelt in 2 TV movies. He won an Emmy for a guest role in The Practice and won a Tony for Best Performance By A Featured Actor in a Play in 1976 for Mrs. Warren’s Profession. Lauren Graham said a few nice words about her TV dad on Twitter and Kelly Bishop, who played his wife Emily in The Gilmore Girls, released this statement:

We, the Gilmore Girls family, are so terribly sad and somewhat stunned. We only learned about his illness a week or so ago. I got a call from [Edward’s wife] Star Monday night asking if I wanted to come to the hospital to say good-bye. I went yesterday and was able to give Ed love from Lauren [Graham], Alexis [Bledel] and Amy [Sherman-Palladino]… I have so many fond memories of our time together on Gilmore Girls and since, mainly via email. I think everyone who knew or worked with Ed found him to be absolutely delightful… Everything looks a little dim, as if the lights went down.

If you’re an 80s ho like me, then you probably best know Edward Hermann as Goldie Hawn’s bimbo-loving, party hard husband in Overboard. Pour one out for Grant.

Rest in peace, Edward Hermann. You are now with the angels on a yacht and I’m sure one of them is named Tofutti Klein:

One of the proudest and brightest moments of my year was when I was a little drunk (okay, a lotta drunk) and a little stoned (okay, a lotta stoned) and I went to take my dog to piss and caca downstairs. When I got back to my apartment door, I stuck the key in and the bitch didn’t work. I stuck it in again and wiggled it a bit. Nothing. (That’s the story of my life, by the way.) I did that a third time and when that didn’t work, I played with the knob before trying to push open the door. Still nothing. I started to think that in the 10 minutes I had been gone, someone broke into my apartment, changed the locks and was on the other side of the door, cackling at me while eating my goddamn Ben & Jerry’s. Just when I was about to scream for the police, I looked up at the door. Not only was I standing in front of the wrong apartment, but I was on the wrong floor. Sadly, that wasn’t the first time I’ve done that. Or the second. Or the third. It won’t be the last either. So I feel this messy woman’s struggle even though I had an excuse.

But really, that video is a visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just circling and circling, looking for a hole to stick the pump in? Or if you’re strictly a bottom, then you’re just circling and circling, look for a pump to stick in your hole. That video is all of us.

via Tastefully Offensive

Ah, “B.S.” – the first non-swear swear I ever worked into my regular rotation of playground insults as a kid. Nothing felt more satisfying than hissing “you’re full of B.S.” to a kid named Brandon who claimed he was related to Vanilla Ice. So, thank you, Jennifer Aniston, for that walk down memory lane.

E! says that during an upcoming interview with CBS Sunday Morning set to air January 4th (set your alarm clocks!) Jenny got to talking about tabloids, aka those paper things which her picture is always printed on paired with a headline about either babies or weddings or HEADED FOR SPLITSVILLE!!! or how much she hates St. Angie. Rachel Green admits the obvious – that they’re nothing but a steaming pile of LIES – and that she and her hot bulgy hipster fiance Justin Theroux don’t pay any attention to them:

“I think I used to really, there was a period where I was hell bent on saying, ‘That’s not true, that’s not right, that’s not fair.’ And now I just think you have to let it roll off your back and you realize, I think everyone knows it’s all B.S. and like a soap opera on paper. The main thing is to try to just keep refocusing back on what you know is true and what makes you guys happy. We know what our truth is. That’s all just static.”

What? You mean all those stories about Miley Cyrus marrying Bat Boy and Khloe Kardashian being knocked up with a litter of wookieelings aren’t true? NO! I refuse to believe it. My blind faith in tabloid journalism is all I have. Besides, how else am I supposed to pass the time while waiting in line at Loblaws to buy my weekly basket full of No Name Diet Cola? I need to know how much Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie still hate each other according to an anonymous source!

Pic: CBS Sunday Morning

2014 just keeps farting up the surprises up until the last hours of its life. Who knew that Jamie Lynn Spears would quickly become my new favorite Spears? (FYI: Bit Bit Spears used to be my favorite Spears.)

TMZ says that last weekend the Queen of the Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, and a girlfriend went to a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana for some late-night eats. Up until I read this story, I had no idea what a Pita Pit was. It sounds like the nickname for a medical condition you get when you don’t bathe and your armpit sweat turns into cream. But Pita Pit is like the Subway of pitas.

Jamie Lynn just wanted to enjoy her pita, but her time with her pita was cut short when another girl allegedly attacked her friend for whatever reason. The police tell TMZ that the fight got extra messy when the girl hit Jamie Lynn’s friend with a bottle. Little ole’ Jamie Lynn didn’t waste any time and knew that you should always bring a knife to a pita fight. So she grabbed her fallen friend, dragged the girl behind the counter, found a bread knife and started waving it around. It was like a scene out of a hillbilly Kill Bill. Everyone quickly realized that you should never ever get between a Spears and her eats, so they turned off the fuckery and the fight was over.

The police showed up, but no one was put into handcuffs, because Jamie Lynn’s friend didn’t want to press charges.

That is the sign of a true friend who is always down for you. The next time you meet a trick whom you think could be a possible friend, ask them just one very important question: “If a fight breaks out at the Pita Pit and some piece of trash knocks me in the head with a bottle, will you drag me to safety, get a hold of a long knife and threaten to slice those hos like a toasted pita if they don’t stop?” That’s the only question you need to ask.

The only thing this story is missing is VIDEO! I am highly disappointed with everybody who was at the Pita Pita that night. Not one of them pulled out their cell phone and recorded that mess of a fight in portrait mode while screaming “WORLDSTAR!” For shame.

And here’s a picture that Jamie Lynn Instagrammed hours before the Battle at Pita Pit of 2014:

Behind that sweet face is a true Pita Pit Warrior!

During an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK, Gwyneth Paltrow confessed that she thinks women are too mean to each other. I know – how rich. Pot, meet snobby cunty $2,985 hand-forged imported steel kettle. I guess she’s already forgotten about that time she got into a shady passive aggressive cake feud with her life nemesis Martha Stewart.

“Women really need to examine why they’re so vitriolic to other women; why they want to twist words, why they want to read about someone else in a negative light and why that feels good to them… But I also know a huge tribe of women who are loving and supportive of other women, in ways that are completely transformative.”

She then added: “I am so supportive of the women in my life. For example, one time I offered to let a friend stay in my guest house after I realized she didn’t have an imported Italian beluga fin filtered oxygen system in every room in her home. I mean, gross, right? She was breathing in regular air. I also noticed the clothing her children were wearing were all off the rack, so I offered her an organic trash bag filled with Apple’s old couture. I am just such a good friend.”

Obviously the delusion is thick with this one, so it should come as no surprise that it gets thicker. Goopy also admitted that being born to a well-connected producer and actress and being the goddaughter of the guy who made E.T. had nothing to do with her success, because she’s worked for everything she has (please prepare your eyes for a workout, as they will inevitably roll at the following quote):

“My father was totally self-made. I grew up with the benefit of a great education and a beautiful house, but my father always said, ‘The day you leave, that’s it. You’re not getting anything,’ and he stuck to it. He was so hardcore about me making my own way. I’ve earned everything myself, and I’ve never taken any money from anyone – my father really pounded that into me, so I got the message.”

You hear that? Bythe Danner’s daughter doesn’t have to name-drop because Blythe Danner’s daughter is a hustler! Here’s more of Goopy looking like Photoshop farted on an airbrushed T-shirt stand in Harper’s Bazaar:

Almaden Golden Chablis! 

Since I am a refined and sophisticated connoisseur of all things luxurious, I’m going to spend my New Year’s Eve at a glamorous and exclusive party attended by glamorous and exclusive people (read: my dog and his chewed-up, slobbered-on chew toys) at a fabulous penthouse apartment (read: my couch) where I will nibble on Bulgarian Beluga caviar (read: StarKist tuna) from a freshly made Russian blini (read: a Ritz cracker) while being entertained by a world-class orchestra (read: the best of Starship playing on my laptop). Of course at midnight I will toast to another year of pure opulence with a Baccarat crystal flute (read: the Courtney Stodden mug Allison got me for Christmas) full of the finest champagne (read:  Andre) money can buy (read: $4 and a ClubBev! card), but before then I will drink a vintage French wine from Burgundy (read: a 2-month-old jug of chablis) during cocktail hour (read: the time before I drink a bottle of Andre and pass out for the night).

When I was a young gay in the 80s, I thought that golden chablis from Almaden, which still exists today, was the classiest shit available in a bottle. The word “chablis” epitomizes elegance and class, and anything and anyone who holds that name must also epitomize elegance and class. The Lady Chablis is proof of that. Whenever I say the word “chablis,” it feels like diamond dust is sweeping across my tongue. One probably feels that same sensation while eating out Dame Joan Collins.

Believe it or not, I’ve never had turpentine mixed with cat piss and rotten grapes, but I’m sure it tastes a lot like Almaden golden chablis. But even though it tastes like dirty pennies, it still does the trick  (aka get you buzzed) and transports you to a classier place. The commercial had everything you could ever want from an 80s wine commercial. This commercial is why I thought Almaden golden chablis was class personified. I mean, a grand piano, soft amber lighting, organza curtains, white pedestals, ladies wearing black liquid eyeliner AND British accents. This is extravagance:

And since we’re on the subject of elegance and chablis. While researching Almaden golden chablis, I found this masterpiece commercial from the 70s for pink chablis by Gallo Wines, the Kings of Chablis.

Happy New Year, everyone! Be a prince or princess, pour some chablis tonight!