The kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun (or as I know him as, DJ’s annoying ass friend on Roseanne) got married in a SHHH ceremony a few days before Christmas. If I knew that Joseph Gordon-Levitt had a girlfriend, then I completely forgot about that information and it was obviously removed from the battered metal memory cabinet in my brain and replaced with more important information like the middle names of the Property Brothers (it’s Silver and Alfred, by the way). Even though I really don’t know anything about JGL’s new wife, I can say that she’s a major catch, because think of the things she can do with those fingers dangling out of her crotch.

Yesterday, People EXCLUSIVO-LEY confirmed that JGL married his girlfriend Tasha McCauley at their home on December 20th. That’s pretty much all they know. JGL has said before that his girlfriend isn’t a Hollywood type and doesn’t want to be in that scene. Tasha McCauley is the founder and CEO of Fellow Robots, a robotics company that is based at NASA Research Park in the Silicon Valley.

I was going to call JGL the young George Clooney since he married a non-celebrity who is smart in the brain, but I can’t call him that. Because I don’t ever remember seeing video of JGL and Tasha fame whoring it up for the paps they called while waving from a boat before their publicity event of a wedding.

Pic: Pacific Coast News

2015 has spit up its first surprise into our faces. I mean, I didn’t know it was possible for attention whore yogini Hilaria Baldwin to take a picture without doing a yoga pose on some kind of inanimate object. Usually when I look at one of Hilaria’s Instagram pictures, my third eye rolls all the way, but this picture made it roll only a little. Consider me shocked.

Today, 30-year-old Hilaria Baldwin announced on Instagram that she’s knocked up with 56-year-old Alec Baldwin’s third kid and her second one. Hilaria posted this picture of their 16-month-old daughter Carmen Gabriela knocking on her mom’s fetus dome while thinking, “Stay in there as long as you can, kid, because as soon as you come out, mom’s going to use you as a yoga prop.” Hilaria threw up this note with the picture:

The sun has set on 2014 and on my year of daily #hilariaypd ….2015 is going to be very exciting as we are thrilled to announce we are expecting another little addition to our family! (tadasana) #yogapostureoftheday

Wait, so she IS doing a yoga pose there? Well, there rolls my third eye. Bitchiness aside, congratulations to Hilaria for securing herself double the amount in future child support  payments and congratulations to Alec, because soon he’ll have another little late in life baby he can parade around Nantucket (copyright: Bianca from 30 Rock). And I’m just going to let myself believe that little white dog is ruining their cute family moment by taking a shit in the sand. That dog is my first hero of 2015.

Pic: Instagram

Marlene McFly, the sweetheart of 2015 from Back To The Future Part 2!

The future is finally here. I’m assuming that you’re reading this shit while eating a hydrated pizza from Pizza Hut after taking a New Year’s Day ride on your Hoverboard. Because the documentary Back To The Future Part 2 promised those things and more in 2015 and it’s 2015 now. In case you didn’t know or couldn’t tell from the hundreds of sites doing “What Did ‘Back To The Future Part 2’ Get Right?” lists, in BTTF P2, Marty McFly travels to 2015 to help the future twins he made with Jennifer Parker 2.0. Michael J. Fox plays the twins, Marty Jr. and Marlene McFly.

Marlene McFly is a fashion and hair icon of 2015! Throw out all of your clothes and make an appointment at the JCPenney hair salon, because 2015 is all about skirts that look like deflated mylar balloons, Victorian blouses made out funeral home drapes and hair that looks like a wig cut up by Blue Ivy Carter. Marlene McFly’s look is SO now. Here’s the scene where Jennifer Parker 2.0 goes to her future house and Marlene McFly gives us a graceful, robotic hair flip for the ages.

I wonder what drugs BTTF P2 predicted we’d be doing in 2015, because Marlene McFly is on some new shit.

Michael J. Fox should do drag more often, because when he does it he looks like Holly Hunter in drag as Ed Wood in drag and that is the absolute definition of beautiful.

Verne Troyer (46)
Eden Riegel (34)
Elin Nordegren (35)
Danny Lloyd (42)
Tameka Foster (44)
Morris Chestnut (46)
Spencer Tunick (48)
Dedee Pfeiffer (51)
Grandmaster Flash (57)
Nicole Miller (63)
Max Azria (66)
Frank Langella (77)

Leonardo DiCatchAHo and the bushel of Rasputin crotch pubes on his face are spending New Year’s Eve in St. Barts. Something tells me that he’ll have to go to the ER tomorrow morning after half a dozen model coochies get tangled up in his beard – Lainey Gossip 

Does Kathie Lee Gifford have an alibi?! – Gawker

I am so disappointed in that flag pole for not breaking when it had the chance – Drunken Stepfather

In case you didn’t know, Michelle Duggar has a lesbian sister – Towleroad

St. Angie Jolie went on to say, “Well, what I mean is that there’s something greater than all of you peons and that something greater’s name rhymes with Tangelina Polie.” – Celebitchy

“What kind of Atkins products do you have?” – Teresa Giudice at the prison commissary – Reality Tea

Relive one of the 10 million times you saw Miley Cyrus’ chipmunk nips in 2014  – The Superficial

Emily Blunt’s scarf looked a lot better on the dining table in my mom’s timeshare in Hawaii – Popoholic

This is what it looked like after a magical fairy turned a charbroiled Slim Jim and a box of pinot into humans – Hollywood Tuna 

Looking good, Magda, looking good, but where’s Puffy? – WWTDD

More pictures from Tom Hardy in Burning Man Gone Wrong: The Movie – Pajiba

Here’s Jennifer Aniston in Cabo and it doesn’t feel the same without pictures of her sister in drunkery Chelsea Handler doing tequila shots out of her belly button – Popsugar

Lady CaCa might be engaged  – OMG Blog

Mimi took a nap in a car, but if you regularly read The New York Times I’m sure you already heard all about it since it’s the biggest news of the week, if not month – Jezebel

John Mayer’s dick of destruction destroyed Giada De Laurentiis’ marriage 4 years after the maybe fact – IDLYITW

Igloo Australia has TMJ, which may or may not explain her rap accent – Just Jared

Pic: Pacific Coast News

Leave it to 2014 to wait until the very last second to push out the greatest and most important news of the year!

The impossible happened this morning. We all thought Joan Collins had already reached the highest point of class, but she went even higher this morning when THE QUEEN finally earned her salary by naming the most glamorous woman of all-time a Dame! Along with John Hurt, Kristin Scott Thomas, Emily Watson and hundreds of others, Joan Collins’ was on THE QUEEN’s annual New Year’s Honours list. BBC News says that Joan was honored for her contribution to the arts and for all the charity work she’s done, but we all know that she was really honored for her contribution to GLAMOUR. If it wasn’t for Alexis Carrington, the meaning of glamour would’ve died a long time ago. This morning, Dame Joan Collins took a little time out from eating her breakfast of diamonds and the souls of her rivals to tweet out this little thank you to her loyal subjects:

Beyond thrilled at the honour of being made a Dame in today's list. Heartfelt thanks 2 all who have sent such lovely messages @foreignoffice

— Joan Collins (@joancollinsobe) December 31, 2014

Joan will be officially honored in a ceremony at a later date. I hope Joan wears this when THE QUEEN honors her:

If THE QUEEN wants what’s really good for England, then during the ceremony, she will pull off her crown, bow down, raise it up to Dame Joan Collins and say, “Just call me regular old Lizzy from now on. You’re THE QUEEN that England needs and deserves!”