Oh, here we go. It’s only the second day of 2015, and already a famous type is back-pedaling on comments they made in 2014. Earlier this week, an interview between busted butter-haired Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco and Redbook sort of made the eyebrows of the internet raise up in a “you want me to grab you a dictionary?” way when she answered the question of whether or not she consider herself a feminist by saying, no, she’s not, because she likes cooking dinner for her husband. Well, I guess she was tired of people sending her Why Not Both memes, because yesterday she took to Instagram to clarify that what she said about feminism wasn’t actually what she said:

Meanwhile, all the ladies in sensible shoes at Redbook just added the name KALEY CUOCO to their Two-Faced Skanks Who Done Did Redbook Dirty list. Nobody throws Redbook under the bus! “I don’t care if she does have a flattering hair cut – she’ll never describe her favorite way to unwind after a long day in Redbook again! Let Women’s World have her.”

And I’m still not sure what Kaley is trying to say, but I’m glad she did it this time without using lyrics from a Taylor Swift song. My brain thanks you, Kaley!

Pic: Instagram

فضيحة ALERT! (Note: Google Translate says that “فضيحة” is Arabic for “ESCANDALO,” so if you’re fluent in Arabic and that’s just a bunch of nonsensical gibberish, blame that permanently drunk bitch Google Translate.)

A bunch of young American attention whore messes including Selena Gomez, Kendull Jenner, Gigi Hadid, her twink boyfriend Cody Simpson and Shay Mitchell spent the New Year’s holiday in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, because Pimp Mama Kris probably leased their asses out to some billionaire sheiks. Selena, Kendull and Gigi have been splattering pictures of their vacation on Instagram and two of those pictures caused a little scandal. When those messes visited the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi earlier this week, they broke the rules of the house by acting the fool, and Selena really rebelled out by flashing her ankle while posing with her friend Eli Mizrahi. The picture was later deleted, but nothing truly dies on the Internet. Selena got a lot of hate for her stupid ass stunt and TMZ says officials from the mosque are upset, because Selena disrespected their place of worship and broke the rules by posing sexy and showing her lady ankle. The others also showed disrespect by laughing and smiling when mosque rules state that you can’t laugh or smile.

They must be punished. JAIL THEM FOREVER!

Selena hasn’t said anything about this, but I doubt she’s going to. She knew what she was doing. She learned from RiRi. She knew that if she flashed her skin in a mosque and posted that picture on Instagram, a million blogs would write about it and she’d get all the attention. I fell for her trap! But really, if you’re not into following the rules of a mosque, just stay your ass outside. That’s why I haven’t been to a church mass in centuries. I have a feeling they’d frown upon me browsing the “amateur gay facial” tag on Pornhub on my iPhone during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I know, they’re so weird.

Nobody should be surprised about this, though. Selena Gomez repeatedly fucked Justin Bieber, so she pretty much has her masters and PhD in bad decision-making.

Pic: Instagram

Once again, somewhere in a giant mansion in Beverly Hills (mansion name: Big Momma’s House) , the real Martin Lawrence is thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember being two blonde people eating sushi.” So, the last time we checked in on the comings and goings of human scarf Chris Martin and the pizza fart queen Jennifer Lawrence’s horny down-lows, they were still rubbing against each other after it was rumoured that they had stopped. Then things went quiet and we didn’t hear much about them again, until yesterday when a picture of Martin Lawrence at a sushi restaurant in Studio City on Tuesday night surfaced on Tumblr (via People). According to People, a source (ie. a talking piece of yellowfin tuna) describes their dinner experience as the following:

“They were engulfed in their little world of conversation. They were into each other and not noticing anyone else around them. [Martin Lawrence] seemed to be just content with each other. He was really listening to what she was saying.”

Well, I should hope so – imagine if he’d invited her out for spicy salmon rolls and spent the whole night texting Gwyneth Paltrow? RUDE! Sushi dates are special and should be treated as such. No word on whether or not they also spent New Years Eve together, but I’m sure if they did, it was equally as thrilling.

Or maybe they’re not even on a date? Maybe JLaw was there alone trying to enjoy a plate of sushi pizza in peace, when the come-to-life throw blanket spotted her from across the restaurant, invited himself over, and started helping himself to whatever was on her plate. He seems like the type.

Pic: Tumblr

Maty Monfort from the short-lived 90s morning talk show Mike and Maty!

While watching the parade that celebrates flower genocide (aka the Rose Parade) yesterday, I asked myself one of the most important questions of 2015: Whatever happened to Maty from Mike and Maty? I don’t know what made me think of Maty, but I’m happy I did, because someone out here needs to.

At first, I hated the Mike and Maty show, because it replaced my beloved The Home Show. The Home Show was a morning decorating and crafts show that ran from 1988 to 1994. I loved it, because it was about crafts and it introduced me to Kitty Bartholomew! I was going to say that my mom probably knew I was 100% gay when I told her how much I loved The Home Show and wanted to quit school so I could watch it, but The Home Show didn’t out me as being gay. It outed me as being a 60-something white Midwestern, toilet paper doll-making, strawberry muffin-loving, crochet club-going grandma named Myrtle trapped in the body of a 10-year-old boy. (So basically, it outed me as being Taylor Swift.) When The Home Show was killed off way before its time, it was replaced by Mike and Maty and I didn’t want to believe at first. I didn’t want to accept them. I regularly screamed, “You are not my father morning show!” at the screen.

But eventually they won me over and I watched it during the summer and whenever I ditched school. I don’t even know why I liked Mike and Maty. It was like a knock-off Regis & Kathie Lee, but slightly more annoying and way too fucking cheerful. If Nermal from Garfield was magically trasnformed into a Cuban-American woman with glamorous hair, she would be Maty. Maty redefined “chirpy.” I was halfway through my Emo phase during Mike and Maty’s run and Maty helped to make me even more Emo. Mike was corny as hell and was like a butcher and skinnier Cam from Modern Family. Mike and Maty never took off and their show was canceled in 1996. It was replaced by a talk show starring The Mommies. You’d think that Maty would’ve sold all her belongings and moved into a cave in the mountains, because nothing will make you hate humanity more than your show getting replaced by The Mommies. But Maty went on! Maty doesn’t have a Wikipedia page (THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!), but she does have an IMDB page and it says that after her talk show got canned, she hosted Smart Solutions on HGTV. She doesn’t have any credits beyond 2003.

So again, I ask, whatever happened to  Maty Monfort?! I can probably find her if I open up my ears and listen for the sound of a woman screaming, “Kelly Ripa stole my career,” over and over again. Here’s a Mike and Maty promo from 1994. Never forget!

Sheree Whitfield (45)
Kate Bosworth (32)
Karina Smirnoff (37)
Paz Vega (39)
Dax Shepard (40)
Will Kirby (42)
Taye Diggs (44)
Christy Turlington (46)
Cuba Gooding Jr. (47)
Tia Carrere (48)
Jón Gnarr, the former Mayor of Reykjavík (48)
Gabrielle Carteris (54)
Todd Haynes (54)
Christopher Durang (66)
Jack Hanna (68)

If you have a pink Andre hangover like me and it feels like you’ve been hit by a Kartrashian ass after reading an interview with Goopy Paltrow (in other words, you feel busted and are suffering from bruises on your brain), then let these stunning pictures of pucker-inducer Mickey Rourke soothe you and turn your pain into pleasure. If you’ve got a pounding headache, pretend like your head is banging against the headboard as Cowboy Mickey rides you hard as though you’re a rabid bull on meth. If you’re feeling vommy, then go with it and gag on the eleganza that Mickey’s bootleg Louis Vuitton belt is serving up. If you’ve had the blinds shut all day, because you’re afraid of what seeing light will do to you, face your fears and stare into Mickey’s bright, shining serene E.T. face.

Mickey and the giddy up glamour he’s giving you will get you through this difficult time. And if these pictures aren’t soothing you, then well, at least you have a visual for how you feel inside right now.

Here’s more of the fashion icon looking like Brokeback Mountain: Europe Circa 1995 (Side note: I’m beginning to think that Adrien Brody is Mickey’s stylist) at Nello’s in NYC yesterday. I also threw in pictures from a few weeks ago of Mickey looking like Julie Christie in Doctor Zhivago if Doctor Zhivago took place in a Chelsea gym.

Pics: Splash