Kelly Preston needs to cut off John’s Amazon Prime membership. – BitchyD

Upvote winner:

“Is it in?” -Michelle Duggar – Héctor Belmonte

Pic: Tumblr via Tosh.0

The roller coaster ride of pure emotions that Chris Christie’s face took everyone on last night! 

Hillary Clinton and Jabba the Hutt were technically the big winners of Super Fucked Up Tuesday, but really, nobody won the way that Chris Christie’s face won. Governor Christie has gone from presidential candidate to Donald Trump’s new bitch, and after his new master won state after state, he gave a speech. I watched last night, because I was hoping that Sarah Palin’s magnificent technicolor dream bolero would make an encore appearance, but I got something better. Once Chris Christie finished introducing Trump, he stood behind his new king and his face gave a more captivating performance than all of the Oscar nominees combined. I even hit the mute button at one point, because Trump’s verbal dingles got in the way of me fully enjoying the performance happening on Chris Christie’s face.

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Jon Bon Jovi (54)
Becky G (19)
James Arthur (28)
Robert Iler (31)
Reggie Bush (31)
Luke Pritchard (31)
Elizabeth Jagger (32)
Bryce Dallas Howard (35)
Rebel Wilson (36)
Chris Martin (39)
Heather McComb (39)
Method Man (45)
Amber Smith (45)
Alexander Armstrong (46)
Daniel Craig (48)
Laird Hamilton (52)
Laraine Newman (64)
Gates McFadden (67)
John Irving (74)
BarBara Luna (77)
Tom Wolfe (85)
Mikhail Gorbachev (85)
John Cullum (85)

Pic: Tumblr

Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse has rebranded itself as “The Wolf Pack” and they declared it at the Vanity Fair Oscar party while howling together. The Wolf Pack? How very Twatlight of their asses. But I think a better name would be: The “We’re Too Old To Be Calling Our Group Of Friends A Douchey Nickname” Club – Lainey Gossip 

IN THIS ECONOMY, even trophy wives of billionaires have to recycle their dresses – Celebitchy

Levi Johnston may put his Alaskan crotch stick on display in Playgirl. I’d be into it if the year was 2009. Who am I fooling? Dick is involved. I’m still into it – The Superficial 

Miley Cyrus shopped for clothes while looking like a bottom tier truck stop hooker from the 70s, and that has to be one of the most demure ensembles she’s worn in a while – Drunken Stepfather

Just when I was starting to think that maybe I drink too much, I watched the rabid, drunk, desperate hyenas in the new Real Housewives of New York City trailer and I suddenly didn’t feel so bad – Reality Tea 

Andrew Rannells looks more like a “Janice” to me, but I’ve still got the image of Matthew Morrison humping him while calling him “Renee” – Towleroad

Ugh, I wish Mary Carey was running for president. I’d totally vote for her, because she knows what this country really needs: more exquisite Lucite heels – Hollywood Tuna 

Alexandra Daddy-O is no Yasmine Bleeth – Popoholic

When I read the headline “Reese Witherspoon’s Camel Toe Picked Up Coffee,” I expected to see pictures of Laura Jeanne Poon’s poon carrying a Venti latte. I didn’t. And now I’m disappointed – The Nip Slip

There will be a second season of Making A Murderer – Jezebel

Erin Andrews testified that her employer ESPN wouldn’t let her go back to work until she talked about her stalker in an interview – Starcasm

Zayn Malik’s hair finally went back to black – Popsugar

Presenting…the adorable version of Pumkin and New York’s fight on Flavor of Love – The Berry

No wonder the Oscars’ fashion show was a tacky bore. The real graceful swans with taste were at the 100 Stars viewing party – Egotastic! 

Jennifer Garner is able to say curse words like “fuck.” I didn’t know that was possible – Just Jared

DREAM JOB ALERT – OMG Blog

Pic: Getty

As John Mayer’s self-proclaimed David Duke dick hits the road to campaign for Donald Trump, his ex-piece Katy Perry (born name: JonBenét Ramsey) went off to Hawaii with her piece-of-the-moment Orlando Bloom. They first started eye-fucking and flirting with each other at a Golden Globes after-party in January and almost 2 months later, they’re still bumping nipples and bouncing on each other’s wet parts. 2 months is practically 15 years in famous people time, so I guess this means that they should get a couple name. I’m going with Blorry. It sounds like what you’d call a blow job on a lorry.  It’s perfect.

Entertainment Tonight says that Katy Perry did a private show at the Grand Wailea Resort in Maui last week. Orlando joined her and when Legolas didn’t have a face full of her Misty Mountains at the private house they rented, they went hiking and to dinner and a helicopter ride. Some witness, who was in the same restaurant as them, told ET that Katy and Orlando nearly made everyone in the place gag on their luau pig as they got into some sickly PDA action. Rude whores, people are trying to eat!

“They looked very loved up and really into each other. They were comfortable letting everyone see them as a couple — lots of PDA and hand-holding. It seemed very romantic and they both smiled a lot, and looked to really enjoy each other’s company.”

ET also has a bunch of pictures of Blorry holding hands. Here’s one of Orlando Bloom’s right nipple trying to get a peak of Katy Perry’s chichis.

EXCLUSIVE: @KatyPerry and a shirtless Orlando Bloom hold hands in Hawaii. 👫 https://t.co/h38SKeXeZJ pic.twitter.com/jqHuP1x3Ea

— EntertainmentTonight (@etnow) February 29, 2016

Click here to see the rest of the pictures. You know, I was going to say that Orlando Bloom is a major, major, MAJOR upgrade from John Mayer, because John Mayer, but then I saw the picture of him dressed like a Hawaiian cholo. I didn’t need the image of Legolas saying, “Aloha, vato!”

Pic: Getty

Good news for those of you who were wondering if Tidal was still the little train wreck that could, I am pleased to confirm that yes, yes it is. While the train has yet to officially ride off the rails and careen full-speed down the ravine, it has once again skipped a couple tracks and caused the conductor (Jay Z,) to no doubt whisper “Shit shit shit” while searching for the kill switch.

Complex says Tidal has fired both their CFO and COO. According to a press release from Tidal (which I picture as being written on the back of a Spotify job application form) CFO Chris Hart and COO Nils Juell were given walking papers because the company decided to move their operations team from Oslo to New York. Chris and Nils won’t be lonely in the Fired From Tidal Club; they’ll be joining the two CEOs and 25 employees that were let go last year. And if Rihanna gets caught Twitter shading the boss’ wife again, she might be next.

No word on who will replace Chris and Nils, but whoever it is might want to pencil in a meeting with the Tidal lawyers for their first day. According to the Jasmine Brand (via Complex), Jay Z and Tidal became the recipients of a $5 million class-action lawsuit on Saturday. Yesh Music and John Emanuele of a band called The American Dollar claim they haven’t received a single royalty check from Tidal, despite streaming 116 of their copyrighted songs.

The lawsuit also alleges that the check-writing team at Tidal are shady bitches who used faulty numbers to make royalty payments and may have stiffed artists by as much as 35%. Shortly after Jay Z invested Tidal, he swore up and down that Tidal would pay every artist, including the non-famous ones, a 75% royalty rate. Shit, maybe Kanye West was telling the truth when he said he was broke?

Here’s the King and Queen of Tidal looking like the house from Up while leaving something called Giggles N’ Hugs with Blue Ivy on Saturday. And no, I can’t with Beyonce’s busted Dorothy Michaels glasses either.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com