Miley, the dog in Mississippi who lived up to the name “Miley” by bringing home a pound of the good shit!

My dog never goes outside by himself, but if he did, the only thing he’d bring me back is a damn bill from the store he took a bunch of bacon and Fruitables dog treats from. I need to send him to Mississippi for a few weeks, so that Miley can teach him her ways. The New York Daily News says that Miley left her human’s house in Laurel, Miss. to piss and when she came back, she brought with her a beautiful, beautiful gift: a bag of high-grade weed. Miley’s human told deputies that at first, he thought the baggie in her mouth was just trash, but when he looked at it closer, he noticed that it was full of the buds of the GODS!

Yeah, I said that Miley’s human “told deputies.” Miley brought her human the gift of gifts, and he thanks his dog friend by narcing on her ass! THAT BITCH! (Miley’s human, not actual bitch Miley.) Thankfully, Miley didn’t get arrested and dragged off to jail. But the cops should’ve arrested Miley’s human for committing first-degree rudeness, because you’re never ever supposed to look a weed gift in the dog mouth. The cops aren’t hitting Miley or Miley’s human with charges, but the sheriff’s office spokesperson Allyson Knotts says they’re investigating.

They can’t really ask the dog, ‘From what pile did you get that?’” Knotts said. “It’s under investigation, but it was a tricky incident.”

Um, is Jones County Sheriff’s Department looking for some volunteer detectives? Because I’d love to be part of the investigative team that tracks down the giant weed mother where that baby baggie came from.

And if Miley and Brigit the chonies-stealing pussy ever come up for adoption, I’ll gladly take them both, because put them together and you’ve got a party!

Pic: Jones County Sheriff’s Department

Ewan McGregor (45)
Georg Listing (29)
Jessica Szohr (31)
Jack Antonoff (32)
Ashleigh Ball (33)
Melissa Ordway (33)
Kate Micucci (36)
Josh Saviano (40)
Samantha Brown (46)
Tony Cox (58)
Angus Young (61)
Al Gore (68)
Rhea Perlman (68)
Valerie Curtin (71)
Gabe Kaplan (72)
Christopher Walken (73)
Richard Chamberlain (82)
Shirley Jones (82)
William Daniels (89)

The promo tour for Hot Topic Frozen (aka The Huntsman: Winter’s War) started in Hamburg today, and I think I nearly pulled all of my eye muscles while straining to see Thor’s nipples through that sort-of see-through shirt. Thor will save many eye muscles if he just does the rest of the promo tour naked – Lainey Gossip 

I saw the words “Chris Pratt erects” and sort of got the tingles, but my tingles were replaced by disappointment when I found out he just erected some big cross in the middle of the desert somewhere – Celebitchy

Kendra Wilkinson and her husband will tell their kids that daddy’s peen has been to places other than mommy’s vagine – Reality Tea 

It’s a good thing I saw these pictures of Backdoor Farrah after Sunday or they would’ve ruined my Easter – Drunken Stepfather

Maxim denies running Ashley Graham’s spread through Photoshop – The Superficial 

Here’s Bella Hadid giving you dead eyes and nipples in Harper’s Bazaar Spain – (NSFW) The Nip Slip 

Halle Berry joined Instagram by posting a picture of her weave – WWTDD

The Silver Fox made the same face I’d probably make if my mom told me she bumped coochies in the olden days – Towleroad

Speaking of my mom, that trick Emma Roberts is wearing her old jeans from the 1970s again! – Popoholic

Seasoned stoner Whoopi Goldberg wants to soothe your period cramps with the good shit – Jezebel

I bet Vanna White and this Wheel of Fortune genius were in CAHOOTS! – Hollywood Tuna 

Miley Cyrus really wants you to see her engagement ring again – Popsugar

Sofia Coppola is remaking a Clint Eastwood movie with a bunch of blondes – Pajiba

Behold, the highlight of Don Cheadle’s career! – SOW

If you need a reason to yawn, here’s Kim Kartrashian and Emily Ratatouille going topless on Twitter – Just Jared 

Megan Fox wants her kids to be Amish, basically – IDLYITW

Note: I’m sowwy for the lack of posts from me today. I had a family thing and had to work on my taxes with my tax dude. And once I finished up with my tax dude and sort of learned how much I owe, I had to plan my escape to Mexico to get out of paying all that damn money. I’m joking, IRS! I’m not running away to Mexico. I’m going to the Caribbean instead.

Pic: Wenn.com

Jennifer Lopez’s Carpool Karaoke bit with James Corden aired on The Late Late Show last night, and I can already see you reaching for the mute button on your speakers because you don’t want your co-workers thinking that you’re mutilating tone-deaf cats in your cubicle. But it’s really not that bad, and besides, it’s hard to hear JLo sing with the English Jimmy Fallon yodeling over her. But in between James Corden belting out JLo songs, he asked her who the most famous person in her phone is. If JLo still keeps in touch with any of the Fly Girls, they’re all probably the most famous tricks in her phone. But James Corden spotted Leonardo DiCatchAHo in her phone and he pretended to be JLo when he texted this:

“Hey baby, I’m kind of feeling like I need to cut loose. Any suggestions? Let me know, JLo (from the block).”

You’d think that DiCatchAHo wouldn’t text right away since it’s hard to text when two skinny blond 20-year-old models are doing the female Eiffel Tower on him as his man servant Lukas Haas gives him a manicure on the main deck of a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean. But DiCatchAHo texted her back right away with this gem:

“You mean tonight, boo boo? Club-wise?”

DiCatchAHo is that dorky frat boy who never grows up and is always down to party. You can call him at 8 in the morning on a Tuesday and he’ll show up in the front of your house in a party bus blasting Skillrex. And DiCatchAHo not even side-eyeing JLo’s text a little tells me that she sends him texts like that all the time. You can’t fool us, boo boo! The DiCatchAHo bit is at the 12:25 mark:

And JLo also spilled this:

“I’ve had some amazing proposals. I’ve been married a couple of times. I’m still trying to get it right. I don’t want to compare one to the other. They were all pretty spectacular. They were nice. And then there’s some that asked me to marry them and I said no. I’ve been married three times. I’ve been proposed to five times.”

So the three she married were Ojani Noa, Cris Judd and Skeletor. She was engaged to Ben Affleck, and as for the fifth fiancé, Diddy may be the easiest guess, but I’m going to go with Casper Smart. JLo probably said no, because Casper pulled a move I pulled on my mom when I was a little kid with zero money to my name. One time when it was my mom’s birthday, I went into her jewelry box, took a necklace, wrapped it and gave it to her, hoping that she wouldn’t remember that she owns it. Casper probably did that to JLo when he proposed and she just patted him on the head, said “awwww” and made a mental note to up his allowance so he can save up for a new ring.

Which makes this the first time in recent memory that the words “hard-working” and “upstanding” were used to describe Justin Bieber. Last week, Justin Bieber dramatically collapsed onto his Marshmallow flip-open sofa and declared that he’d no longer be doing VIP meet-and-greets with fans during his Purpose tour because it was too emotionally draining. Unfortunately, people who paid $2,000 for a meet-and-greet were told they would not be getting a refund on unless they also gave up their ticket. So they came to a compromise; for $2,000, they could all stand in the same room as Justin.

As it turns out, standing in a room was also too much work for Justin. According to The Mirror (via NME), fans who paid $2,000 to meet-and-greet Justin at his shows in Las Vegas last weekend got to meet-and-greet a life-sized cardboard cutout instead. However, Justin did manage to get in one in-person VIP meet-and-greet last weekend, with Wayne Gretzky and his wife Janet.

However did a lucky fan like Wayne Gretzky manage to score a meet-and-greet with the elusive Justin “No More Pictures” Bieber? TMZ says that unless you’re one of Justin’s friends or a famous person, your chance of meeting-and-greeting Justin Bieber are about as thin as the teen ‘stache on his upper lip. So basically, if you paid $2,000 to meet Bieber, you’re probably going to get the 100% recyclable equivalent. But if it makes you feel any better, meeting a vacant, unresponsive cutout of Justin Bieber is pretty damn close to meeting the real thing.

Speaking of hanging out with famous people. Here’s Justin Bieber hanging out at a club in Las Vegas with DJ David Guetta after one of Bieber’s shows last weekend, as well as Justin looking like meth-warmed-over while leaving a club in Hollywood last night.

Pics: Twitter, Instagram, Splash/D.Mahoney

Seen above looking very confused over three letters (“Does one of the Bs stand for bae? Can I call my 13-year-old Tumblr-fluent niece?“), Claire Danes became a card-carrying member of the CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE OLD! club last night on The Tonight Show. Claire was playing a game called Fast Family Feud with Jimmy Fallon, which as you can see is basically Family Feud with two people, three answers, and no Steve Harvey, and she got stumped when it came to naming the most common text message abbreviation. Jimmy buzzed in first and answered “LOL“, which was the top answer. Then they revealed that the other two answers were “OMG” and “BRB“, and that’s when we got Claire’s ? face. Apparently nobody has ever texted “BRB” to Claire Danes, because she has no idea what it means. It means “Be right back“, BTW. “Hmmm…BTW? Not familiar with that one either” thought Claire.

I don’t blame Claire Danes for not knowing what “BRB” meant. Yes, “BRB” is older than asking someone on ICQ if they wanna “cyber“, but there’s so much goddamn texting speak to keep up with nowadays. (I think typing “nowadays” just earned me my CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE OLD! membership card). Just as soon as you learn what “BRB” and “LOL” mean, a whole new crop of text abbreviations will pop up and you’re back at square one, scratching your bald, liver-spotted head like “What the hell is a NXP? Do I even want one of those?”

Besides, who decided that “BRB” stood for “Be right back“? Has anyone thought that maybe it should stand for “Bob Ross Boner“? You know, for when you’re watching Bob Ross and you’re like 90% sure you can see the outline of a happy little tree on his Wranglers? And then you want to text your friends about it, but you don’t have time to type it all out, so you just write: “PBS right now BRB“? Just me? Okay then.