Lindsay Lohan Says She’s Converting To Islam
“Sorry Islam, looks like she’s your problem now” said the Catholic church, Kabbalah, Buddhism, and any other religions Lindsay Lohan has dabbled in.
Last year, LiLo was seen carrying a copy of the Koran, aka the holy book of the Islamic religion. Nobody knew where it came from (one of her Middle Eastern “friends“) or what she was going to do with it (scrape all the ink off the front with a dull knife and mail it to Cash4Gold). But since she was also Instagramming incorrectly translated English-to-Arabic banalities around the same time, the most logical conclusion was that she was converting.
Well, she recently spoke to The Sun and it turns out that yes, she’s trying to do the Muslim thing now. Lindsay was raised Catholic, but has since dipped her freckled toe into a variety of religious ponds. And right now, it’s Islam’s turn to hide the good silverware.
“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning. We all believe in something and at the end of the day it all ties to a god or a spiritual adviser. We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”
Lindsay may be open to learning, but it sounds like she can’t seem to find the time to open that Koran she was papped with.
“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”
Since I’m still working on a copy of Charlotte’s Web from the 3rd grade (Wilbur and Charlotte live happily ever after, right?), I’m in no position to judge how long it takes anyone to read anything. But a year seems like a long time for something you’re supposedly super into, right? I’m sure if it was a copy of How To Bag A Rich Russian Husband, she would have been finished in under 10 minutes.
But if I were Islam, I wouldn’t be making a space for LiLo’s picture between Janet Jackson and Dr. Oz on the Celebrity Muslim Wall. Once she discovers how difficult it is to Photoshop your waist while wearing a burqa, she’ll be gone.
Here’s Islam’s newest aspiring convert in New York a few days ago with Ali Lohan and her fiancé Egor Tarabasov.
Pics: Splash
Apparently, You Can Get Kicked Out Of Coachella For Being “Too Drunk”
Page Six claims that Courtney Love was kicked out of the Neon Carnival on Saturday night for being “too” wasted. They could be right. I mean, look at that picture of Courtney Love. She must be on something if she’s standing there doing nothing as Ellie Goulding’s mouth is being attacked by two mutated silicone leeches! Do something, Courtney! Throw a compact at those evil things!
Courtney Love declared last year that she was Cracked Out Courtney no more and was sitting on the wagon with her seatbelt firmly attached. Courtney claimed that she was done with the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit and the prescribed shit. She said that her current drug of choice is some “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” stuff because she’s a Buddhist now. But Page Six seems to think that Courtney fell face first off of the wagon and landed directly on a pile of hipster piss at a Coachella party.
After Courtney went to see fellow mess and one-time arch rival Axl Rose play with Guns ‘N Roses at Coachella, she went to the Neon Carnival held at a nearby airport. Page Six’s source says that Courtney got so wasted that they kicked her out of there.
“She went to Neon Carnival and got kicked out for being too drunk in the VIP area,” we’re told.
Another source at the party, which is held on an airport tarmac — and was attended by celebs including Leo DiCaprio, Rihanna and Kesha — said, “She was literally falling over. It just became a little too sloppy, and she was removed. She wasn’t coherent at all.”
Are they sure Courtney was boozing it up, because isn’t she incoherent and sloppy when she’s sober too? But honestly, I didn’t think it was possible to get kicked out of a Coochella event for being “too plastered.” That’s like being kicked out of the Gathering of the Juggalos for sucking dirty dick in a Port-A-Potty while butt chugging Faygo and moonshine. If this is true and you really can get kicked out of a Coachella party for being drunk, then that’s just cruel and unusual punishment. How else do the evil doers of that event expect you to deal with messes dressed like assholes. Case in point: Bella Thorne.
Harriet Tubman Is The New Face Of The $20 Bill
Paula Deen just made a mental note to only get $50 bills from the ATM in the future…
Politico says that United States Treasury Secretary Jack Lew will announce that Andrew Jackson (FYI: AJ was the 7th POTUS and not the unknown 6 member of the Jackson 5) is out as the main face of the $20 bill and Harriet Tubman is in. I’m surprised Sofia Vergara isn’t the new face of the $20 bill since that trick is the face of EVERYTHING. Andrew Jackson isn’t totally off of the $20 bill. There’s a good chance his face will be moved to the back of the bill. Ha.
Nathan Fillion And Stana Katic Were Allegedly Forced Into Couples Counseling By Their “Castle” Bosses
I bet those are the same faces they made when they were told, too. Those looks say, “I’d rather freebase expired battery acid.”
On Monday, the TV show Castle reminded us that it’s still a thing when news broke that Stana Katic was leaving the show after 8 seasons, along with Tamala Jones. ABC gave a wishy-washy reason for why Castle’s wife was out of there (something something saving money?), but sources claimed it was because she couldn’t work another day with that diva Nathan Fillion. But it’s not like they didn’t try. UsWeekly says that the decision makers of Castle were so desperate to make it work between Stana and Nathan, that they made them go to couples counseling. You know shit is bad when you’re going to therapy to save your pretend marriage.
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Perky Morning Talk Show Host Scorned!
Not since the dramatic ousting of Ann Curry has there been an all-caps, bold-faced ESCANDALO that is rocking the boring morning show world. It’s times like these when I wish that I was a stay-at-home daddy. Because if I was, I’d be passing around a sippy cup full of a screwdriver with the other stay-at-homers at the playground as we kiki about this mess and I scream, “Walk it off, shit, I’m busy,” at my kid as they complain about breaking a leg from falling off of the jungle gym.
Just In Time For The Release Of “Mother’s Day”…
Proving once again that publicists are some of the hardest workers in Hollywood (second only to the person who made Johnny Depp look somewhat clean in that apology video), People magazine has named Jennifer Aniston as 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Yes, Jennifer Aniston, of the soon-to-be released holiday-themed blockbuster Mother’s Day. I believe that’s what’s known in ~the biz~ as expert-level hustling. The Mother’s Day marketing team is really going hard. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Modern Hairpiece Monthly names Julia Roberts’ recycled Ronald McWintour wig 2016’s Best Comeback.
And she’s really selling it on that cover too. Her hand is saying “Who me?“, while her face is saying “Oh come on, you know it was going to be me. That beautiful bitch Thor doesn’t have to start hustling his next movie till 2017.” She’s also wearing florals, because of course she is. If Jenny had her way, she’d be in something black from Armani. But they’ve got a movie about moms to sell, so she’s working that casual Ann Taylor LOFT realness. That was probably the compromise. “Fine, I’ll wear the flower shirt. But I draw the line at the dress that has MOTHER’S DAY IN THEATERS APRIL 29 written all over it.”
Jennifer also has stuff to say about being the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. Jenny was “very, very flattered” when she was told that she beat out the other 3.52 billion women for the title. She also wants you to know the Jennifer you see before you is the result of cutting back on milkshakes and gravy-covered fries when she was younger. Well, I guess there goes my shot at the title; milkshakes and poutine are the load-bearing bottom brick of my food pyramid.
Obviously being named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World by People magazine is a high honor, but I still can’t help but think that it’s a popularity contest. Jennifer has won twice. Twice! I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but they could at least give some other beauties a chance. Like, I saw a woman in the mall yesterday who contoured eyebrows on top of her eyebrows. She had four eyebrows. If that doesn’t deserve at least an honorable Most Beautiful mention, then I don’t know what does.