I just…

How do I even write this? This was not supposed to happen. Prince was an immortal miniature unicorn who was supposed to keep spreading his musical brilliance and throwing eyelash-singing side-eyes until the end of eternity when we’re all long gone. But well, all of the oxygen was sucked out of the planet when TMZ first reported that Prince Rogers Nelson is up in heaven making the angels faint as he sashays through the gates. I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was a hoax, but Prince’s rep confirmed this worst of worst news to The Associated Press. Prince was only 57.

Just last week, I wrote about how Jehovah’s (Forever) Sexiest Witness was hospitalized after he had a medical emergency on a private plane. Prince was released and laughed at the rumors that he was in a serious, serious way. Prince’s rep also said that he was dealing with the flu but was fine. Prince even showed up at a show the next day and let all of his fans know that everything was okay, and someone even got a picture of him looking dandelion glamorous while riding his bike near his house.

This morning, Prince was found dead at his Paisley Park compound in Chanhassen, Minnesota. The 911 got a call at around 9:43 today from Prince’s estate and after paramedics arrived, they pronounced him dead.

Prince’s legendary career really screams for itself and I don’t need to say how he was a musical genius, a master guitar player, an icon of fabulousness, a multiple gold-medal winning puckerer, sex god, the King of Blouses, etc… etc…But I will say that my sister was obsessed with Prince when we were kids and she had all of his records. (Yes, records. We old.) Like David Bowie (Yes, Bowie and Prince in the same year. 2016 can lick a dirty b-hole already), Prince showed me there’s no one definition for “dude” and a man can work a pair of Spandex leggings, an ass-less yellow lace jumpsuit and a sequined tank top if he wants to. And since I’m a disciple of nastiness, Prince’s earlier songs are my soundtrack.

The only other thing I have to say is that Prince’s funeral better knock us all over with 4,500 tons of opulence. I want to see doves crying out tear-shaped purple rhinestones and everyone wearing purple face veils.

Rest in peace, Prince. You now in heaven, yodeling out a duet with Vanity.

And Prince is probably laughing at all of us bloggers trying to find his videos and performances on YouTube. I had to get this, which is one of my favorites, from a Turkish site:

Here’s another one for your “two actors who were really good at pretending they actually liked each other” collection. Charlize Theron recently spoke to James Franco for an interview with V magazine. Well, James Franco might never know if Charlize actually enjoyed talking to him or was just putting up with him to get the job done, because apparently she’s really good at the latter.

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Even Larry King likes a lap dance every now and then. – fleawatch

Upvote winner:

Bisque better have my money. – tim

Pic: Izismile

The Fashion Star Fillies!

If little girls really did freak out for horses, like everyone says they do, then the Fashion Star Fillies should’ve been one of the most successful and biggest-selling toy lines of all-time and forever! (Also, if little girls really did freak out for horses, they’d all have Trace Cyrus posters on their walls.) The Fashion Star Fillies weren’t just horses. They were extra fancy metallic creatures of glamour who could be dressed up with plastic barrettes, faux fur shrugs and body paint. They were the drag queens of the horse toy universe. That should’ve been like crack cut with heroin and Adderall to little girls.

But the Fashion Star Fillies were really only around in the most magical decade of the 20th century (the 1980s, DUH) before galloping off into our memories. My sister got one for Christmas (I think she got the one above) and when I got my hands on it, that horse looked like she just got out of prison. I chopped all of her hair off and drew on her with a Sharpie. That horse was giving me “Orange is the New Neigh.”

The body paint…. The ugly accessories… The braids…. Those Coachella trollops need to give credit where credit is due. They obviously stole their look from the Fashion Star Fillies!

Pic: Pinterest

Queen Elizabeth II (90)
Tavi Gevinson (20)
Frank Dillane (25)
Robbie Amell (28)
Terrence J (34)
Tony Romo (36)
James MacAvoy (37)
Charlie O’Connell (41)
Steve Backshall (43)
Rob Riggle (46)
Nicole Sullivan (46)
Toby Stephens (47)
John Cameron Mitchell (53)
Jerry Only (57)
Robert Smith (57)
Andie MacDowell (58)
James Morrison (62)
Tony Danza (65)
Patti LuPone (67)
Iggy Pop (69)
Charles Grodin (81)
Elaine May (84)

Well, damn, this is a load of sadness out of nowhere. Chyna (born name: Joanie Marie Lauer) was found dead Wednesday in her home in Redondo Beach, CA. She was only 45. There’s really not much information except for a statement that her management tweeted from her Twitter account:

“It is with deep sadness to inform you today that we lost a true icon, a real life superhero. Joanie Laurer aka Chyna, the 9th wonder of the world has passed away. She will live forever in the memories of her millions of fans and all of us that loved her.”

Chyna’s manager also confirmed the sad news with ProWrestlingSheet.com (via KTLA). She had apparently been taking meds for anxiety and sleeping problems. TMZ says that cops are investigating Chyna’s death as a possible overdose. (Update: The cops say that one of Chyna’s friends hadn’t heard from her for days. She wasn’t answering calls. When they stopped by her house to check on her, they found her not breathing. They called 911.)

Chyna became Chyna after she joined the WWE (which was the WWF back then) in the 90s. She was the first chick to qualify for the King of Tournament and the first chick contender for the WWF championship. While in the WWF, Chyna got with Triple H in real-life and they had a train wreck of a relationship that ended with her accusing him of cheating on her with Stephanie McMahon. Chyna was out of  the WWF in 2001. Chyna later said in an interview that she didn’t leave the WWF on her own. Because of the Stephanie McMahon mess, the WWF sent a fax to the restaurant she was eating at and that fax said that they didn’t need her anymore. Firing you in a fax while at lunch takes firing you in an email to a whole new level of fucked up.

She has never been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Chyna wrestled in Japan for a little bit before the sex tape came out and she ended up in porn. She did a total of six porn movies from 2004 to 2013.

I think of “rubber chicken shots” nearly every damn week. It’s something that hasn’t left my brain and that’s all thanks to Chyna and Traci Bingham. Chyna was in the second season of one of the greatest reality shows ever The Surreal Life. She was also in The Surreal Life: Fame Games. Chyna was addicted to the bad shit, booze and pills for many years. She was on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in 2008 and was hospitalized a couple of times for drug-related issues.

Up until not too long ago, Chyna seemed to be doing well and was living in Japan where she taught English and struggle twerked! She moved back to the US and regularly posted videos on her YouTube Channel. Earlier this year, Chyna posted this video where she talked about her hot unicorns leggings and dealing with the WWE:

Rest in peace, Chyna.