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Captain Sensible (62)
Eric Bogosian (62)
Jean-Paul Gaultier (64)
Phil Robertson (70)
Barbra Streisand (74)
Sue Grafton (76)
Richard Donner (86)

As Dlisted’s weekend provider of foolery, Martin, told you earlier, Beyonce’s “Lemonade event” premiered on HBO tonight, and I just want to get the question in your head out of the way. No, “Lemonade” is not a shortened version for the title of her next single “Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Around The Corner Fudge Is Made.” I know, the HELL kind of “artist” is she?

Nobody really knew what Lemonade was before it aired tonight. About 3 minutes into Lemonade, I figured it was a HIGH ART infomercial for her new album. But as it went on and as I listened to the lyrics, I and everyone on Twitter figured Lemonade was also a HIGH ART divorcement announcement. Goopy Paltrow was somewhere getting her pussy steamed and slapping at her head, because she wishes her brain would’ve come up with a divorce announcement movie on HBO rather than that dumb “conscious uncoupling” statement.

Lemonade was an hour-long “visual album.” It was broken up into parts and each part featured a song from Beyonce’s new album. Each part was also titled after an emotion. Some of the songs are about a wife scorned by a cheating slut whore of a husband who keeps passing his dick, so of course, everyone threw a side-eye at Jay-Z. One of the lyrics went like this, “If you try that shit again, you gonna lose your wife.” Here are the titles of each part:

Intution
Denial
Anger
Apathy
Emptiness
Accountability
Reformation
Forgiveness
Resurrection
Hope
Redemption

When you add up together “intuition, denial, anger, apathy, emptiness and accountability” together, it feels like Beyonce is trying to tell us that the rumors about Jay-Z’s wandering dick are true. So, I sat there thinking that the final emotion would be “REVENGE” and Lemonade would end with a live shot of Angela Bassett torching Jay-Z’s car as Beyonce served him divorce papers.

But no, it ended with “forgiveness” and “hope” and shots from Beyonce and Jay-Z’s home movies including one from their wedding (see: above). So no, Lemonade was not a HIGH ART divorce announcement. Damn you for that trickery, Beyonce! But if you’re going to announce your divorce, that’s how you do it.

With that being said, angry Beyonce is my favorite Beyonce.

And since Jay-Z keeps trying to make everyone download Tidal, Lemonade is only available on Tidal…until it gets ripped and ends up everywhere.

Summer is almost here, so I’m really busy trying to decide what I’m going to be quenching myself with during the hot, hot heat. Will it be iced tea? Will I go for my traditional Arnold Palmer? Perhaps just sparkling water with lemon if I’m feeling European. Luckily, we have celebrities to tell us what to think and do. Tonight, Beyonce is premiering Lemonade on HBO, which I assume is going to be three hours of her giving lemonade recipes and just generally talking about how much she likes lemonade. But, another member of Destiny’s Child is also here to give us a drink recommendation. Kelly Rowland is the new face of Seagram’s Escapes, a wine cooler type drink.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1lg0SdmkL8

Thank god there’s a classy new drink to sip and get a slight buzz from before having to throw up because all that sugar sitting in your stomach on a hot day is a recipe for disaster. I’ve been at a loss, and quite frankly, very sad, since the passing of Zima, eight years ago, so thank god for this. Kelly keeps it fun and upbeat in this gorgeous and expensive looking commercial. She’s really selling it to me that she’s doing this because she really loves the product and a sizeable paycheck has nothing to do with it. She even recorded this song for them and definitely not for an album that most likely isn’t coming out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RecCNq2Sk3Q

Like the commercial says, take your party – and your worrying relationship to alcohol – to the next level! Who needs Lemonade when you’ve got Kelly and wine coolers?!

(via Youtube)

We talk about a lot of stunt queens here and nothing warms the heart like queens of love stunting. There’s just something about two people selling us their love that turns our black hearts blacker. Please, go on and on about just how in love you are as we sit back with our cats, dogs, whatevers and a glass (read box) of wine and smile and side eye. The love hawkers dujour are Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani. Continuing on their door to door sales trip, they’ve now done a duet and Blake had some gushy stuff to say about it.

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It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.

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Unless you’re living under an MDMA soaked Coachella rock with a flower headband atop it, you know that Hollywood lives for giving us remakes and reboots we didn’t know we wanted. Probably because we don’t want them. If a movie is good enough to warrant a remake, does it really need to be remade? Amirite? What’s that about?! We’ve got steaming piles being thrown at us every other day. Amongst them is Bradley Cooper‘s A Star is Born that isn’t starring Beyonce, Fox’s Rocky Horror, James Franco‘s Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (UGH NO STOP) and the Dax Shepherd directed CHIPs. And now, we can add Jumanji to the list. Brought to us by The Rock, legal name, Dwayne Johnson.

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