Sitting in the news room here at DListed is like being the news liason for the White House. I’ve got a headset on listening to intel while I scroll through decoded documents and incoming spy reports. When something big comes in, man, oh man, it’s red alert and there’s a lot of shouting. We’re at a shout level 9 right now because it’s come in that Kelly Ripa will return to Live! With Kelly and Michael after all. Allison briefed you on what was happening and speculation yesterday, but now we have word of an update to this harrowing situation.

People is reporting that despite the rumors that Kelly would not return to Live! after it was announced that her co-host, Michael Strahan, would be leaving the show to join ABC’s morning prize pig, Good Morning America, in September, she’ll be back Tuesday. Kelly was reportedly furious that the announcement was made on air without having been told in advance that she went radio silent while on vacation with her family. I can only imagine the alcohol soaked FaceTime calls she and bff Andy Cohen have been having. Mostly I’m just seeing him saying over and over, “Yes, girl, you were wronged, girl. Girl, come on Watch What Happens, girl, and I can get an exclusive, I mean, we can get your side out, girl. Girl.” But, Kelly sent an email to staff about her return and Michael’s departure late Friday night:

Sorry for this late Friday night email. I wanted to thank you all for giving me the time to process this new information. Your kindness, support, and love has overwhelmed me. We are a family and I look forward to seeing you all on Tuesday morning. Love, Kelly.

TMZ is also saying that Kelly’s people met with Disney – or as they put it, “jawboned it with Disney.” What the fuck is jawboning?

She’s extended the family vacation she’s on, having not showed up on Wednesday and Thursday, which leads me to believe she’s setting into motion some long-con Revenge type situation. She might be blonde, but I don’t see her being the Emily Thorne, no, this is going to be some Victoria Grayson shit. Come Tuesday, she’ll be on air sitting in THIS chair. Michael, Gelman, ABC, watch the fuck out!

Pic: Wenn

Mellow Man Ace!

Yesterday, my cousin sent me a text where she asked me if I remember the song Mentirosa, because while cleaning shit out, she found the cassette single in an old bootleg Walkman she’s been holding onto since the 80s. I told her to immediately send that into the Smithsonian because 1990 IS a Mentirosa cassette single in an old bootleg Walkman. My cousin took me back with that text.

Mentirosa was a Spanglish rap song by Cuban-American rapper Mellow Man Ace. It came out in 1990. I knew every single word and my little friend and I used to reenact one of the scenes in it. Remember when so many songs used to have “scenes“? That was the golden era of musical artistry! Mellow Man Ace was in a rap group with his big brother Sen Dog, and after he left to focus on solo shit, that rap group became Cypress Hill. Sure, he missed out on being in Cypress Hill, but leaving was still a brilliant career move. Because he went on to make a Spanglish rap masterpiece!

Metirosa was the dramatic tale of Mellow Man Ace and his lying, cheating skeezah of a girlfriend. (Apparently, Mellow Man Ace’s sister did the girlfriend part, and thanks to that little tidbit, this song becomes some House of Yes shit real fast.) The song was a hit and went up to #14 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. MMA still performs and makes new music today, but Mentirosa will probably forever be the brightest jewel of his career. Mentirosa isn’t just a song. It’s a dramatic Spanglish rap opera. Hamilton who?!

I’m sure that when Mentirosa was on the radio all the time, Spanish class attendance was at an all-time low. Because why go to Spanish class when you can learn the language from Mentirosa?

John Cena (39)
Gigi Hadid (21)
Caleb Johnson (25)
Dev Patel (26)
Jessica Stam (30)
Taio Cruz (31)
Jaime King (37)
Joanna Krupa (37)
John Oliver (39)
Kal Penn (39)
Barry Watson (42)
Melina Kanakaredes (49)
David Tutera (50)
John Hannah (54)
George Lopez (55)
Valerie Bertinelli (56)
Craig Sheffer (56)
Judy Davis (61)
Michael Moore (62)
Joyce DeWitt (67)
Lee Majors (77)

If you’ve been trying to figure out what the formula for “gentility” is, try no more. Mimi has given it to you. The formula is lollipop + Las Vegas cocktail waitress tights + an exposed nipple pad! – Lainey Gossip 

Sheree Whitfield, who has never really finished anything, is going to try to write and finish a book. I’ll believe it when I see it covered in dust on a shelf at Target – Reality Tea 

Margot Robbie’s Dirty Dancing lift gets an F from me – Drunken Stepfather

Let me guess, LeAnn Rimes’ friends are named Captain Obvious, Sergeant Duh and Lieutenant You Don’t Say? – Celebitchy

Ben Affleck and his vape pen: a love story – The Superficial 

2 demure 2 handle – WWTDD

Today in YES: Lisa Marie Presley is coming for those Scientology bitches – Pajiba

I have to disagree with Wolf Blitzer. The Prince song most of know is When Pigeons Cry. Or maybe even Raspberry Fedora – SOW

Why in the hell is Kate Bosworth wearing a giant studded black maxi-pad as a top? – Popoholic

This is how Jennifer Hudson and the cast of  The Color Purple on Broadway paid tribute to Prince – Just Jared 

And this is how the cast of Hamilton paid tribute to Prince – Popsugar

Xtina is giving me chola Rosie the Riveter hotness – Hollywood Tuna 

I see that the producers of that Baywatch movie finally stuffed a big enough wad of cash between Pamela Anderson’s chichis to get her to come back – Just Jared

Pic: Wenn.com

Just read a few of the crazed rants from your crazier relatives on Facebook and you’ll know that this election has really brought the batshit out. But the crazy came out of nowhere last month when Susan Sarandon and Debra Messing served up some piping hot ginger beef on Twitter. To make a long wreck of a story short, Susan Sarandon, who is the Den Mother of the Bernie Bros, did an interview where she said that some Bernie Sanders supporters are saying they would rather vote for Donald Trump than Hillary Clinton. Susan says that those words were spun into the headline: “Susan Sarandon Hearts Donald Trump 4Evah!”

Many went after Susan Sarandon, but nobody really went harder than #ImWithHer team member Debra Messing. Debra tweet slapped at Susan and Susan tweet slapped at Debra and it kept going. Susan stopped at one point to rest up her fingers for round 450. But Debra must’ve injected meth into her fingers tips and blasted “Eye of the Tiger,” because she kept going and tweeted for her life. Susan was on Watch What Happens Live last night and a caller asked her about her Twitter battle against Grace Adler. Susan decided to verbally slap a trick a few times.

If you can’t watch that, here’s a few choice quotes:

“Did I talk to her offline? No. It was enough to talk to her online.”

“And she has a lot of followers. I guess. I don’t know.”

“Debra just has too much time on her hands. She just kept going and going and going.”

“Finally after a while, I said, ‘Okay, Debra, look, just report me to the homeroom teacher and let’s just stop.’ But she did not.”

HAHAHAHAHA… But really, this election is just… I mean, one of the stars of one of my favorite movies from the 90s (Thelma & Louise) and one of the stars of one of my favorite TV shows from the 90s (Will & Grace) are throwing shit at each other on and off Twitter. I don’t know whether to blame Twitter or the election or both. The only way this could get any weirder is if Geena Davis and Megan Mullally get into a Snapchat fight about the election. I don’t know exactly what a Snapchat fight is, but I’m guessing it involves lots and lots of filters.

Pics: Wenn.com

But what is known currently is that I still get the full-body puckers from those sex-me eyes, lip gloss-slathered pout and hot heels that allowed him to stomp so hard the angels could feel it.

I’ve learned many things from writing this gutter sludge of a blog (“One of those things is obviously not proper grammar.” – you), and one of those things is that autopsy results don’t take as long as a commercial break like they do on TV. It takes time, and sometimes, it takes a lot of time. So it’s no surprise that Prince’s cause of death is still weeks away for being known. The Medical Examiner did an autopsy on Prince’s body today and a rep said that they need several more weeks to examine his toxicology results and medical history and all that.

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