“Why didn’t you design something like this for meeeeeee” is probably what Kanye West is going to whine into Riccardo Tisci’s ear tonight, because Riccardo Tisci designed this ass-less extravaganza for Madonna.

Anna Wintour would have had to throw another Met Gala tomorrow if Madge didn’t show up with her 57-year-old nalgitas and tits hanging out. Because it isn’t a Mess Gala until everyone’s eyes have eaten several servings of her butt dumplings. Madge’s ensemble was apparently made by Givenchy but it looks more like something from the Stevie Nicks collection for Frederick’s of Hollywood or a costume from a Games of Thrones porn parody. Never mind that fillers have warped Madge’s face into “Harpo, who dis woman?” territory, what really bothers me about her ensemble is that it doesn’t go with the damn theme. The theme is supposed to be technology and future, not medieval ho-wear or Illuminati sex dungeon mistress! Madge disappointed me by not showing up in nothing but a fiber optic thong and holographic nipple cozies.

And well, if Rocco Ritchie or any of Madge’s kids ever want to get some free crack, it’ll be pretty easy. All they have to do is go up to a dealer and say, “Can I get some crack?” When the dealer says, “Kid, you’re way too young for the bad shit,” they just have to show these pictures and say, “My mom wore this wreck to the Met Gala.” BOOM! The dealer will hand over their entire supply and it’ll be on the house.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Getty

I just want to spray Beyonce down with some liquid antibiotics and acid, because she looks like a used condom covered in herpes and rolled in kitty litter.

As we all know by now, the theme for tonight’s Meth Gala is Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, and it looks like Beyonce honored that theme by finding a way to copy and paste Zoe Saldana’s face onto hers, because that does not look like Beyonce. The rest of Beyonce’s look would be 100% perfect if the theme was A Night With Derek Jeter. Since Beyonce is a true artiste and everything she does has a message, maybe her doing herself up like a giant condom is her way of saying, “And I still don’t trust Jay!”

That dress is also giving me “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” because it looks like she skinned someone with chronic eczema alive and wore their hide on her body. That dress doesn’t only need to be dipped in antibiotics, it also needs to be dipped in Proactiv.

And just like she did last year, Solange outdid her sister tonight. Basement Baby’s look will remind you of the time that your dog pissed on the floor and you didn’t have any paper towels to clean it up with so you had to use the coffee filters. While Beyonce has access to all of the fanciest designers in the world and still shows up wearing that mess, Basement Baby only has access to what she finds in the dumpster and she still comes up with ART!

Solange also kind of looks like a lemon that’s been mauled by a garbage disposal, and that’s my cue to write a 12,000 word think piece on how this look is her commentary on Lemonade.

Pics: Getty

Earlier I threw up pictures of Carrie Underwoods wearing Judy Jetson’s quince dress. Well, here’s 2007 Chrissy Crocker’s hair twin Taylor Swift wearing the quince after-party dress that Judy Jetson snatched out of a clearance bin at a Wet Seal outlet on Mars.

Taylor Swift is about as edgy as the heart-shaped tear trickling down the face of a porcelain Precious Moments figurine, but yet she’s still trying to drive in RiRi’s lane. Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms is like that preppy friend in junior high school named Chelsea (pronounced Chell-sea-uh) who comes back from summer break as a goth girl, and her idea of goth is wearing black chipped nail polish and writing lyrics from The Smiths songs on her paper bag book cover during homeroom.

The mess of a look that Taylor wore to tonight’s MESS Gala needs some Adderall, because it’s all over the place. From the neck up is “little girl doing half-assed Debbie Harry drag.” From the neck down to her knees is “extra in Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” (Side note: I can’t believe I’m referencing Zenon.) And from the knees down is “ballerina who works as a biker bar stripper at night and doesn’t have time to change shoes.”

Because of those space scales and those shoes, I don’t know whether to throw her back into the space ocean or tell her ass to twirl away. Why not both?!

Pic: Getty

Prince Hot Ginge met with Canada’s Prime Minister (and the mash-up of Peter Facinelli and James Marsden) Justin Trudeau today to promote next year’s Invictus Games in Toronto. And this may be the first time I’ve ever been jealous of the Canadian flag, because look how close it is to being the meat in a hot ginge and Canadian hot piece sandwich – Lainey Gossip

To the surprise of absolutely no one who has a drop of common sense, Kelly Ripa turned her rage over being blindsided by ABC into more $$$$$$ in her checking account – Celebitchy

What in disco funeral HELL is Taylor Swift wearing? – Drunken Stepfather

Shannon Beador’s Orange County mansion sold for $9 million – Reality Tea 

Jean-Claude Van Damme is onto the Illuminati’s Trump-hating ways! – The Superficial 

The Dixie Chicks did Beyonce’s Daddy Lessons – Towleroad

If you worked with Chris Evans (not the Captain America one) on The Big Breakfast in the 90s, there’s a chance that he may have you given your eyes an unsolicited dick flashing show – Jezebel

Yes, the new Ghostbusters trailer sucks, but how is it the most hated trailer on YouTube when the Fifty Shades of Shit trailer exists on YouTube? – Egotastic!

Now we know why Julia Roberts had to recycle that polyester wig from Notting Hill for her role in Mother’s Day. It’s because they blew the budget on her $3 million paycheck and didn’t have enough money to buy a better wig – Pajiba

I never thought I’d type this, but I’d much rather look at Asslee Simpson’s ass cheeks than Evan Ross’ tragic Amish hipster look – The Nip Slip 

The Jungle Book ate up and shit out Mother’s Day this past weekend – HuffPo

Kristen Stewart still looks like she belongs on a Hair of Meth poster – Popoholic

That teddy dress makes Charlotte McKinney’s chichis look like a satin neck pillow – Hollywood Tuna  

I want to party on a bus full of drunk giraffes – The Berry 

In case you were wondering if Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas are still fuck buddies… – Just Jared

“Panama City Beach lot lizard” eleganza brought to you by Miley Cyrus – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

Tonight’s Met(h) Gala theme is “Fashion in an Age of Technology,” so brace yourselves for messes showing up looking like C-3PO’s side trick C-3PHO or like the worst dressed at a Tron-themed prom. That’s why I’m guessing that Carrie Underwood’s stylist got their events mixed up, because at last night’s 2016 American Country Countdown Awards (which I’m glad exists because 34,588 country music award shows aren’t enough) in L.A., she showed up wearing the underthings of a robot’s wedding dress. That dress looks like what would be born if the Tin Man and Glinda the Good Witch’s ball gown were able to fuck and make babies.

Carrie’s stylist must’ve thought that the best way to ~edgy~ her up is to dress her like Katy Perry performing in Disneyland’s Tomorrowland. Because besides that cyborg cotillion shit above, she also performed in a dress that made her look like a cocktail waitress at a bar/casino owned by a hardcore Star Wars nerd. I am all for tricks changing up their look, but Carrie Underwood needs to put her stylist on probation, because she just can’t pull off wearing robot wings as chichi covers.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

What a shame; if anyone should be given the thumbs-up to sell weed in Hawaii, it’s the person in the picture above. Woody Harrelson, one of the very few people who is able to look stoned even when he might not be (that suit jacket is throwing me off), is apparently trying to open his medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii. Unfortunately, he won’t be saying the words “Aloha and mahalo for choosing Woody’s for all your pakalolo needs” anytime soon.

Woody applied for a license early in 2016 on behalf of his company, Simple Organic Living LLC, after Hawaii created the Medical Marijuana Dispensary Program. Sadly, Reuters (via People) says that the Hawaii Department of Health denied Woody’s application on Friday. But Woody wasn’t the only one who was going home that night and smoking a cheer-up bowl; out of more than 60 applications, the state apparently only accepted 8. So, sorry, the 52+ other people. It looks like it’s back to Craigslist and the parking lot at Zippy’s for now.

There was no reason given for why Hawaii didn’t want Woody selling weed. Maybe the person in charge of approving applications thought it was Woody from Cheers who was applying, and they were afraid his slow ass would end up getting repeatedly hustled by Hawaiian high school stoners. Oh well. I’m sure that hasn’t derailed Woody’s dream of being the Newman’s Own of pot. What am I saying? Even if he woke up one morning and didn’t want to sell weed, I’m sure people would still approach him on the street with a handful of cash asking “So, how do we do this?” Like I mentioned above, Woody Harrelson was blessed with a face that says “Of course I can help you get some weed.”

Pic: Splash