The ad was for someone interested in hard wood and sawdomy. – Mother Chucker

Upvote winner:

DIWhy??? – Shadeball

Pic: Tosh.0

The alien skin crown that Violet Chachki wore on last night’s grand finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race season 8!

This HSOTD post contains a SPOILER or two about last night’s Drag Race finale, so if you haven’t watched yet and don’t want to be spoiled, then you should log out, shut down your computer, stick cotton balls in your ears and duct tape your eyelids shut, because there are SPOILERS everywhere. You cannot escape them! One of my friends IM’d me first thing this morning to say, “Bitch, I haven’t seen Drag Race yet so do not spoil it for me,” and I responded with, “Okay, but oh baby, your ass is probably going to find out.” To which he responded with, “‘But oh baby’? You don’t talk like that. Wait… ‘But oh baby…’ BOB! Goddamn you, asshole!” The winner’s name is even hiding in everyday sentences!

But anyway, I was hoping that my favorite virgin who can’t dance Kim Chi would take the crown, but figured Bob The Drag Queen would. That wasn’t a surprise, but what was a surprise was that Miss Congeniality went to the Puerto Rican cousin of Angelica from Six Days, Seven Nights, Cynthia Lee Fontaine. Naomi Smalls’ Cliffhangers were viciously robbed, because out of every trick in the entire season, they perfectly defined “charisma, uniqueness, toe jam and nerve!” But the show made up for that injustice when season 7 winner, Violet Chachki, did her final sashay as reigning queen while wearing a magnificent as fuck look that left almost everyone bald and bleeding from getting snatched.

Violet Chachki floated out at the end of the show in drag that was very “Vivien Leigh in Anna Karenina after she was possessed by aliens and buried in a deep grave where bugs nibbled on her flesh until she rose from the dead.” Violet’s waist was cinched down to the size of a dwarf mouse’s soft dick and that Alien Nation crown looked like it was carved out of a giant tumor. If you’ve got a goiter that needs to be machete’d off, ask your surgeon to save it for you after they remove it, so you can take a tip from Violet and transform it into a glorious crown!

The reason why she just reigned for the last year….SLAY @VioletChachki #DragRace pic.twitter.com/Yew4xq8sxA

— RuPaul's Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) May 17, 2016

If Xenu was a woman who shopped entirely in the “1800s Russian baroness” section of a costume store, she would look like Violet Chachki and John Travolta would be worshipping her instead of sending her hate rays with his mind.

Pic: @NacidoVillano

Bob Saget (60)
Jill Duggar (25)
Kree Harrison (26)
Leven Rambin (26)
Nikki Reed (28)
Karrueche Tran (28)
Tahj Mowry (30)
Derek Hough (31)
Tony Parker (34)
Rochelle Aytes (40)
Kandi Burruss (40)
Andrea Corr (42)
Sasha Alexander (43)
Josh Homme (38)
Jordan Knight (46)
Tabatha Coffey (47)
Thom Filicia (47)
Cameron Bancroft (49)
Hill Harper (50)
LuAnn de Lesseps (51)
Trent Reznor (51)
Paige Turco (51)
Craig Ferguson (54)
Enya (55)
Sugar Ray Leonard (60)
Bill Paxton (61)
Grace Zabriskie (75)

Pic: AP

Here’s Idris Elba as The Gunslinger on the set of The Dark Tower. How many times do you think he heard a trick say, “You can stick me up with your loaded weapon anytime you want“? What’s that you say? Not once, because he probably doesn’t work with a bunch of hard-up, cheesy pervs like me? Yeah, that’s what I thought too  – Lainey Gossip 

I’m into Gwen Stefani’s “showgirl going hunting” outfit, but that dead skunk hair should’ve been left on the side of the road – Celebitchy

This election is so messed up that it’s got Wendell Pierce smacking up Bernie Sanders supporters – The Superficial 

Chestica Simpson showed up and showed out on Saturday night – Drunken Stepfather

Two things: 1. Why was Jocelyn Wildenstein at Nicky Hilton’s baby shower? 2. That’s Jocelyn Wildenstein next to Nicky, right? – Reality Tea 

An L.A. meteorologist was told to cover up on air, and I’m surprised they didn’t also hand her an apron and tell her to get back into the kitchen, woman! – Towleroad

Beyonce is the new Kathie Lee Gifford – Jezebel

Things that should’ve stayed in the 90s: that top Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new enemy is wearing – Popoholic

No. – Hollywood Tuna 

The cement-faced woman got a brand new mug thanks to Botched – OMG Blog

Harley Quinn and the ladies of DC are getting their own spin-off movie – Pajiba

The Flip or Flop dude says that the house auctions are real. Yeah, real fake and re-enacted on a sound stage with paid actors. You can’t fool me, HGTV! – Starcasm

The teaser trailer for Fox’s Rocky Horror Picture Show butchery is out and it makes Glee’s RHPS episode look like an authentic recreation of the original  – HuffPo

St. Angie Jolie had words to say about Donald Trump (aka Jon Voight’s homeboy) and his proposed ban on Muslims entering the country – Just Jared

Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lord of Socks With Sandals reunited at their kids’ soccer game – Popsugar

The meaning of true love is restored, because Orlando Bloom motorboated (probably) Katy Perry on a yacht – IDLYITW

Pic: Bauer Griffin 

The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.

Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:

“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”

This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.

The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.

Pic: Wenn.com

Hours after Susan Sarandon gave no fucks when she called out Woody Allen, she became one half of a motorboater’s Shangri-La when she posed next to Salma Hayek at the Women in Motion Prize Reception in Cannes. Never mind that Salma Hayek’s dress looks like something a rich toddler would wear to her quinceañera if toddlers had quinceañeras, those two pairs of chichis can save the world together!

Salma’s chichis can end hunger for good. And Susan Sarandon’s chichis have the power to destroy grown douches by making them hate fap with one hand and rage tweet with the other until both heads explode. Those chichis are more powerful than the United Nations is what I’m trying to say.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com