“…and that’s why you can’t be in my friend club. I’m sorry, but I already have one non-skinny brunette and one half-Mexican former Disney child star. But if something opens up, I’ll, like, totally keep you in mind! I’m sure I have your number somewhere.”

Shortly after a judge denied Kesha’s request to get out of her contract with Dr. Luke back in February, Demi Lovato looked in Taylor Swift’s direction and released a series of not-so-subtle tweets wondering why certain “self-proclaimed feminists” weren’t saying anything about the situation. Taylor responded by cutting Kesha a check for $250,000 and praying that such a gesture would shut Demi up. It didn’t. She kept on talking about it. Well, three months later, Demi is still talking about it. Grab a folding chair and a bag of popcorn, because it’s time once again for Demi Lovato to take shots at Taylor Swift.

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2016 IS the year of the secret baby! It makes me want to have a secret baby. But you know, if I did, it wouldn’t stay a secret that long. If a human baby with my DNA was born, CPS would immediately sniff them out and open up a file.

When Eva Mendes got knocked up with her second GosBaby, nobody found out until their child was almost ready to make an appearance. When Eva did birth out her and Ryan Gosling’s second daughter Amada Lee Gosling, we didn’t find out until about 2 weeks later. Well, 37-year-old Vincent Kartheiser and 34-year-old Alexis Bledel managed to outdo their asses in the secret baby department.

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Sorry, fame-hungry rappers who were hoping to advance their careers and kash in on the Kardashian name, but it looks like Kylie Jenner is off the market. Only a few weeks after Kylie gave Tyga his walking papers and had security escort him off the property, The Sun (via NYDN) says she’s got a man in her life. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s also a rapper in his 20s with a corny stage name.

A source says that 18-year-old Kylie is now dating a 22-year-old Canadian rapper named PartyNextDoor (real name: Jahron Anthony Brathwaite). Party is signed to Drake’s OVO Sound label, and a source says Kylie and Party are “mad for each other.” I want to make a joke about how The Sun’s source was probably Kris Jenner. But between this and the possibility of a leaked Kylie/Tyga sex tape, I feel like she was too busy hyperventilating over Kylie’s ability to secure so many new KUWTK story lines so quickly to have made that phone call.

So far Kylie hasn’t confirmed whether or not she’s partying with Party yet. Party, on the other hand, has earned his first attention whore’s boyfriend bonus by Instagramming a picture of his and Kylie’s diamond-covered watches together. “Pfft, so what, I could have a watch too if someone would loan me a couple thousand dollars” hissed a jealous Tyga. And of course, TMZ just so happened to catch them leaving Russell Simmons’ All Def Comedy Live in Hollywood last night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsE1oVxRve4

In case you’re wondering where you’ve heard the name PartyNextDoor, it might be from two months ago when Chris Brown made fun of a suicide attempt by R&B singer Kehlani, which was triggered by a picture Party Instagrammed of the two of them holding hands. So basically, he’s coming off some drama. Sadly, whatever he’s been through will never prepare him for the kind of sorrow that comes as the result of signing your soul over to the Kardashian/Jenner succubi.

Pic: Splash

Little Debbie Does Dallas. – Strepsi

Upvote winner:

Frostitutes – tim

Pic: Pacific Coast News/iHeartRadio

Mark the Chicken, the true winner of  Survivor: Kaôh Rōng!

I think I may be the only trick who actually liked last night’s flaming pile of shit ending to the 5,601,562th season of Survivor, because it was a real WTF. It gave me a reason to hit the bong, so thank you for that, Survivor.

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