Flame-Flames Flames On The Side Of My Face: Hollywood Is Still Trying To Butcher “Clue: The Movie”
Seven long years ago, Universal shot at our childhoods as though our childhood was a Singing Telegram Girl in the dark when they announced that they had hired director Gore Verbinski to take flawless cinematic flop Clue: The Movie to the ballroom and kill it with a candlestick. Less-dramatic translation: Universal hired Gore to direct a remake of Clue. Clearly the petition (signed by me and only me) I sent to Universal begging them not to commit a highly illegal act worked, because they dropped their plans in 2011. But those goddamn Grim Reapers of Hollywood are back to try to fuck with Clue once again.
Jared Leto Feels Like He Was Tricked Into Doing “Suicide Squad”
“All those live rats and dead pigs and anal beads. All that method acting. And for what? You’re barely even on the poster. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. The clown prince of mayhem wouldn’t cry.”
Even though I haven’t seen Suicide Squad, I’ve learned a couple things from it. One, that it was pretty crappy. And two, that The Joker wasn’t in it nearly as much as Suicide Squad’s aggressive marketing campaign lead us to believe. It was almost as though the higher ups in charge of Suicide Squad had tricked us into thinking it was all about The Joker. If you ask Jared Leto what he thinks about that, he’d agree.
Open Post: Hosted By Way Too Much Beauty, Glamour And Gentility For One Post
You probably aren’t reading this, because you’re at the Geek Squad to get your computer fixed after it shut down and farted up a giant smoke cloud. I know that usually happens when you come to this skank site, but it happened this time because no machine can take the high-octane dual elegance of Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan and the pink crown jewel of Hollywood that is Angelyne!
The two pink swans joined forces in Malibu, CA yesterday to grace their loyal subjects (aka the paparazzi) with their demure presence. While wearing the uniform of the highest-paid truck stop hooker in Central Florida, Frenchy tried to keep up with Angelyne’s pose game. Frenchy gave it her all, but almost no one can come close to bringing it like the adult Hugga Bunch doll can. In fact, sources (that live in my head) told me that Angelyne’s hot pink chariot of perfection didn’t get busted from an accident. The bumper fell out as soon as Angelyne’s exquisite flamingo leg went up. Even Angelyne’s own car can’t take her hot moves.
Pics: Wenn.com
Pimp Mama Kris Is No Longer The Chairwoman Of The Illustrious “Kardashian U”
If you were saving your coins, hoping that one day you’d be able to afford a Kardashian U Master Class taught by Professor Pimp Mama Kris on “How To Kontact The Devil So You Can Sell Your Soul And The Soul Of Your Children In Exchange For A Multi-Million Dollar Whore Empire,” you’ve been saving your money for nothing. Because PMK is no longer the chairpimp of the “university” she helped re-launch a few months ago. The good news is that Michael Lohan is probably still teaching classes on “How To Whore Out Your Children So You Never Have To Get A Real Job” in the back room of a strip club in Pompano Beach, so you can still take that.
Ashley Olsen Is Still Seeing That 59-Year-Old Artist
Back in June, it was reported that Ashley Olsen had maybe joined her sister Mary-Kate Olsen in the Wealthy Pocket Trolls Who Do Rich Old Guys club. 30-year-old Ashley was seen on what appeared to be a date with 59-year-old painter/nightmare maker George Condo. Ashley’s rep (a baggy black caftan that came to life one day) said their “date” was actually just a “business meeting.” Well, Ashley and George have been having more “business meetings.”
Gashley apparently had a really busy weekend. People says that Ashley and George were seen having a “cozy” lunch at a restaurant in New York City. A source spills that Ashley and George sat in one of the “romantic” corner booths. For those of you who just got the mental image of Ashley scurrying up her 59-year-old date to sensually slip torn-off pieces of sandwiches into his mouth, you can stop. The source says they were “definitely close, but not touchy-feely.”
But it got touchy-feely on Sunday. A source tells Page Six that they saw Ashley and George at another restaurant. The source originally thought Ashley was having dinner with her grandpa, but that was ruled out when they started “holding hands and snuggling.” I’m going to guess Page Six’s source was a cloud hovering overhead, because that’s some shade. The source adds that it was “obvious” that something was going on between the two of them. What made it so obvious? You know what, I don’t think I want to know. It’s never the right time of day to picture a dude popping up his lap napkin after being asked by a winking Olsen twin if they want to see her try to fit a whole cocktail olive in her mouth.
The Police In Rio Are Suspiciously Squinting At Ryan Lochte’s Robbery Story
Perpetually confused Labradoodle Ryan Lochte claimed that on early Sunday morning he and three of his teammates were robbed at gunpoint by thieves in cop drag. Ryan claimed that the thieves in police camouflage pulled over the taxi he and the other swimmers got in after partying at France House. They were going back to the athletes’ village. Ryan said that the thieves put a gun to his busted Anderson Cooper-ass hair, to which he said, “Whatever.” The thieves allegedly stole everyone’s wallet and money, but let them keep their cellphones and credentials.
Ryan’s mom confirmed the story to the media on Sunday. The IOC originally said that Mother Goose must have written that story because it’s a fable. They eventually confirmed it to be true. The police and courts in Rio aren’t so sure, and after doing an investigation, a judge ordered for Ryan and fellow U.S. swimmer James Feigen to hand over their passports. Ryan has put his hands on the side of his head and is going, “Nah nah nah nah you can’t catch me,” to the judge, because he’s already back in the states.