Ever since Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt a little over a week ago, there’s been no end to the stories about how shitty Brad is. Brad is a mean drunk and stoner. Brad is a cheater. Brad is a bad daddy. It felt like someone was spinning a Wheel of Defamation and releasing a story about whatever bad thing the needle landed on. According to UsWeekly, that’s pretty much it, and the person doing the spinning is Angelina Jolie.

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Pic: Splash

The traffic cop from the Detrol LA commercial whose overactive bladder is messing with her job!

“Gotta go, gotta go, gotta right now, gotta go, gottta goooo” is something you may have sang every time you had to hold your piss and/or caca while quickly waddling over to the toilet in the early aughts. That was thanks to several Detrol LA commercials from around 2003 including my favorite one starring an actress who gives the performance of her career as a traffic cop trying to keep her overactive bladder from exploding but can’t keep it together after a shady and cunty fire hydrant pushes her over the edge by pissing out a giant river of water. That mean fire hydrant knew what it was doing!

This commercial looks like it was shot on the same fake city set that Janet Jackson’s Alright video was shot on, so whenever I watch it, I hope that Miss Janet will sashay on by and help Officer PissPants out by throwing a pin-striped diaper at her.

So her overactive bladder problems are solved because of Detrol LA… But instead of having to take a time out to empty her bladder, she probably had to take a time out when the Detrol LA-induced constipation she suffered from gave her stomach craps. And I bet that asshole fire hydrant teased her by shooting out brown water. That bitch.

Dita Von Teese (44)
Keir Gilchrist (24)
Hana Mae Lee (28)
Hilary Duff (29)
Daniel Platzman (30)
Melody Thornton (32)
Sarah Wright (33)
Matt Cohen (34)
St. Vincent (34)
Nick Viall (36)
Bam Margera (37)
Young Jeezy (39)
Gamble Breaux of the Real Housewives of Melbourne (44)
Challen Cates (47)
Carré Otis (48)
Naomi Watts (48)
Mira Sorvino (49)
Moon Unit Zappa (49)
Maria Canais Barrera (50)
Ginger Fish (51)
Janeane Garofalo (52)
Suzanne Whang (54)
John Sayles (66)
Jeffrey Jones (70)
Brigitte Bardot (82)

Pic: Instagram

Emily Blunt and John Krasinski had dinner at Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s NYC apartment last night. I’m sure that after Jen served everyone Aveeno lotion and Smart Water soup, they pranked Brad Pitt by sending him several cheese-less vegetable pizzas, which are a stoner’s nightmare, honestly – Lainey Gossip 

It looks like Charlize Theron gained some chunk for a Diablo Cody movie, and sadly it’s not a sequel to Young Adult – Celebitchy

Oh, it’s just Mimi dancing to one of her songs in Mykonos while everyone around her pretty much ignores her since she does that all day, every day – Drunken Stepfather

Modern Family cast TV’s first openly transgender child actor – Towleroad

And here’s pictures of St. Lindsay visiting a family of Syrian refugees who have really been through e-fucking-nough – The Superficial 

ScarJo got into Hillary Clinton drag for a movie – Popoholic

My favorite Swedish gold digger is still living that opulent yacht life – Egotastic!

St. Dame Professor Angie is still going to teach at the London School of Economics – Jezebel

Samuel L. Jackson screamed at pussy – SOW

Papa Joe and Donald Trump must go to the same colorist – WWTDD

Kiefer Sutherland is glad that Julia Roberts dumped him – HuffPo

How do I get that hot piece and his kangaroo kid to adopt me into their family? – Hollywood Tuna 

Being on suspension is rough (see: Tom Brady naked sunbathing in Italy) – OMG Blog

Patton Oswalt talked about his late wife and I should really see a doctor, because while listening to him, my eyes twitched and a weird clear blood drop trickled down my cheek – Pajiba

The ex-husband of one of the Real Housewives of Miami died after possibly having a heart attack – Reality Tea 

Pic: Splash

If Tom Ford isn’t exaggerating, then the crotch crabs of the world probably whisper in each other’s ears about a magical land where the tall, luscious and mighty pubes grow wild and there’s enough room for all of them to freely frolic. That magical land exists on a human called Jake Gyllenhaal. Every crotch crab probably spends their entire life trying to get to that dick bush Shangri-La.

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