Jake Gyllenhaal’s Crotch Shrub Is Magnificent, So Says Tom Ford

September 27, 2016 / Posted by:

If Tom Ford isn’t exaggerating, then the crotch crabs of the world probably whisper in each other’s ears about a magical land where the tall, luscious and mighty pubes grow wild and there’s enough room for all of them to freely frolic. That magical land exists on a human called Jake Gyllenhaal. Every crotch crab probably spends their entire life trying to get to that dick bush Shangri-La.

While talking to Kyle Buchanan of Vulture (via Lainey Gossip) about his new movie Nocturnal Animals, Tom talked about a scene where a half-naked Jake sits on the edge of a bathtub. Jake has gotten his chest and nipples waxed for other movie roles, but he kept it furry for Nocturnal Animals. Tom is pretty much against taking a razor, wax strip, machete, Flowbee and pinking shears to body hair and so he never thought of asking Jake to manscape a little.

Tom then slobbered at the mouth a bit about the enchanted pubic forest in Jake’s pants and made it sound like its natural state is so stunning that not even Edward Scissorhands would try to reshape or prune it. If you put glasses right below Jake’s peen fro, his crotch would probably look like Gene Shalit. It’s that gorgeous. If you gave Jake a beej, you’d probably end up with a mouthful of pubes, but you wouldn’t care because it’d be like sucking on threads of cashmere. You get what I’m saying. Take it away, Tom!

“It just never occurred to me that he should shave his chest!” Ford said, aghast. “I happen to like body hair. I think people should leave it alone — I’m not a fan of all this manscaping that goes on. I don’t really get it.”

Ford gestured southward. “If you like the chest, you should see what’s down here,” he said with a grin. “There is no manscaping.” Ford repeated it for emphasis: “There is no manscaping.”

And before Kyle left, Tom said this: “Nice talking to you. I’ll get Jake to show you his bush sometime.

Tom did it now. Every time he leaves the house, at least one trick will come up to him and say, “Hey, are you the guide who will take me on a safari to Jake’s bush?

Pic: Wenn.com

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