Open Post: Hosted By A Naked And Bearded Zack Morris
Every now and again, I re-visit that fap-worthy fuck scene between fellow three-namers Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mary-Louise Parker on Weeds and so I’m thankful to him for giving me new nipple-tweaking material in this time of need. The twink turned daddy delivered some woof hotness while posing in nothing but a beard, layers of oil, a serious face and baseball gladiator cleats (or whatever the hell that shit is called) for his show Pitch.
E! News tells me that the pictures of the cast looking like members of a nudist colony’s baseball team are from last night’s episode. In an earlier episode, one of the members of the team finds his ass being the star of a nude scandal. And last night, his teammates, including Zack Morris (who is the team’s veteran catcher and yes, that was my username on Grindr once) stripped down to their nipples in solidarity. Bless the producer or writer who came up with a way to get all these muscled-up pieces naked. They are doing the lord’s work!
https://twitter.com/PITCHonFOX/status/796912097531600897
And I’d like to thank all the men and women who have fought for my right to post pictures of an almost-naked Zack Morris on this mess of a blog. Happy Veterans Day!
Pic: @PITCHonFOX
Charlize Theron Tries To Shut Down The Idea That Actresses Work Less As They Get Older
Charlize Theron once confessed that being young, beautiful and model-like was a real uphill battle when it came to finding roles that were based on more than just being young, beautiful and model-like. Thankfully, Charlize doesn’t have to worry about that because time has given her the ultimate role-landing weapon: being older. 41-year-old Charlize is still beautiful and model-like, but apparently getting older is the reason she’s eyeball-deep in good roles.
Robert Redford Is Retiring From Acting
Last week we learned that in the near future, the fuck word in movies will be down 85% because Quentin Tarantino is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Today we learn that in the near future, pepaw hotness in movies will be down 99% (hey, will still have Harrison Ford and Rip Taylor) because Robert Redford is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Robert Redford has been making your granny’s clit quiver since the 1960s and he’s tired now. Your granny will have to look to another seasoned hot piece for fap material (see: Rip Taylor).
IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: Meghan Merkel Bought Groceries
Because of everything that has happened during this depressing week (“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.” – everyone), I really thought that things would be extra bleak on the real news front. But I was proven wrong this morning when The Daily Mail posted an EXCLUSIVO investigative exposé about Prince Hot Ginge’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle. Meghan is currently visiting her man in London and the paparazzi caught her going back to his place at Kensington Palace. The DM’s investigative reporters put their investigative reporter skills (read: their eyes) to work when they noted that Meghan wore a brown baseball cap and Hunter wellies while walking back to Kensington Palace after shopping among the organic produce at Whole Foods. Unfortunately, the tabloids kind of dropped the ball on this one, because I could not find one interview with that green cow. That nosy trick must’ve peeked into Meghan’s bag as she walked on by.
Exclusive pictures reveal Meghan Markle is staying with Prince Harry at Kensington Palace https://t.co/z3E05RUKSh pic.twitter.com/pL1SazpY8Q
— Mail+ (@DailyMailUK) November 11, 2016
I should turn down the sarcasm all the way, because it is pretty shocking that Meghan Markle went out and bought groceries. If any of us were PHG’s piece, we wouldn’t need to buy groceries. Why bother when you can eat spotted dick all weekend long? Yes, I said spotted dick. He’s a ginger, I’m sure it has freckles on it. And since I’m really great at transitions, I’m going to move from blowjob and freckled royal peen jokes to pictures of PHG remembering the fallen on Armistice Day at the National Memorial Arboretum.
Pics: Wenn.com
French Montana Isn’t Sorry About Having An Elephant Perform Tricks For His Birthday
It’s been a bad year for exotic animals being forced to interact with famous douchebags. Back in May, a tiger was the guest of honor at an engagement party for Justin Bieber’s daddy. Then on Tuesday, French Montana celebrated his birthday by making an elephant do tricks on his driveway. I don’t know what is making me more sad: that that elephant was forced to perform for a former Kardashian boyfriend, or how close it came to catching a glimpse of his flaccid business popping out of his bathrobe.
Bella Hadid And The Weeknd Are No More
Both People and Page Six are saying that the dead-eyed love affair of our time is over. Auxiliary Hadid sister Bella Hadid and the guy who sounds like what a Michael Mann movie feels like The Weeknd have called it quits after a year and a half together. A source tells People the broke up because they were both too busy to be together.
“Their schedules have been too hard to coordinate and he is focusing on finishing and promoting his album. They still have a great deal of love for one another and will remain friends.”
A source tells Page Six that The Weeknd has already been leading that single life and is “chatting up girls.” No word on what the conversations have been like, but my guess is the words “no, there’s no third E” have been said a lot. Page Six adds that Bella and The Weeknd (which totally sounds like an 80s new wave group from Italy) started the slow crawl to splitsville back in September.
The bad thing about Bella and The Weeknd breaking up is that it was probably really hard for them to read each other’s feelings during the whole thing.
The Weeknd (monotone The Weeknd voice): “I am just so crushed by this.”
Bella Hadid: “Can you not tell by the look on my face that I am too?”
The Weeknd: “Honestly?…not really.“
Here’s a newly-single Bella Hadid in Beverly Hills yesterday .
