Robert Redford Is Retiring From Acting

November 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week we learned that in the near future, the fuck word in movies will be down 85% because Quentin Tarantino is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Today we learn that in the near future, pepaw hotness in movies will be down 99% (hey, will still have Harrison Ford and Rip Taylor) because Robert Redford is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Robert Redford has been making your granny’s clit quiver since the 1960s and he’s tired now. Your granny will have to look to another seasoned hot piece for fap material (see: Rip Taylor).

During an interview with his grandson Dylan Redford for the Walker Art Center’s blog, RR said that he’s 80 years old and he’s got the patience of a mosquito with ADD. Robert has lost the ability to patiently sit in his trailer for hours upon hours. RR is too old for that shit! He said he started out as a painter, so when he’s done with his next two movies, he’s going to take his bow on the acting stage and exit stage left to paint and direct. When Dylan asked his grandaddy if he ever thinks about painting again, he dropped the retirement news.

Yeah, a lot—and a lot lately because I’m getting tired of acting. I’m an impatient person, so it’s hard for me to sit around and do take after take after take. At this point in my life, age 80, it’d give me more satisfaction because I’m not dependent on anybody. It’s just me, just the way it used to be, and so going back to sketching—that’s sort of where my head is right now.

So, I’m thinking of moving in that direction and not acting so much. I’ve got two acting projects in the works: Our Souls at Night, with Jane Fonda, a love story for older people who get a second chance in life, and Old Man with a Gun, a lighter piece with Casey Affleck and Sissy Spacek. Once they’re done then I’m going to say, “Okay, that’s goodbye to all that,” and then just focus on directing.

Robert Redford removing his face from the front of cameras is sad news, but he’s been in the game for over 50 years, had a really good run and has earned himself millions of dollars. So he should spend his days sipping Metamucil and bourbon in between Bob Ross’ing in his art studio. And once you finish feeling sad about RR retiring from acting, you should shift your emotions and throw looks of jealousy at him. Because when many of us are 80 years old, we’ll be using our liver spot-covered, arthritic-ridden paws to work over 40 hours a week since that social security shit will be drier than a nana’s poon after reading about how Robert Redford is retiring from acting.


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