This Is Just Stupid

It’s one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it’s another to stuff herself so tight that you can’t even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night’s Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick’s purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would’ve knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would’ve set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can’t even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you’d be all sorts of naked. It’s not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you’re an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don’t care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves “Should I trip her? Should I trip her?” while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

Dakota Fanning Doing Cherry Bomb – The Video!

You might have already heard Dakota Fanning sing Cherry Bomb for The Runaways movie, and now here’s the visual to along with it. Yay? Nay.

It might make you feel a little uncomfortable since Dakota is wearing one of Noah Cyrus’ favorite outfits and behaving like that hardcore rock star known as Taylor Momsen.

This is basically what it looks like when your little cousin (the one who always rolls her eyes at you) plays Rock Band without parental supervision.

Here’s The Runaways doing Cherry Bomb in 1976 if you’re feeling the need to compare:

Dakota Fanning Does Her Best Cherie Currie Impersonation

You know that time you were drunk while watching I Am Sam and your neighbor was blasting The Runaways next door (just go with me)? Did you ever think then that you’d hear that little girl singing Cherry Bomb? Well, life has once again delivered the unexpected, because here’s Dakota Fanning doing just that with Kristen Stewart for that Runaways movie.

I know Dakota Fanning is practically a grown up now who can pee pee on her own and drive a big car instead of a Big Wheel, but hearing her sing this is a little weird. I get the same feeling when watching a Kidz Bop commercial.

And to be honest, I’d rather listen to a mentally challenged Sean Penn sing Cherry Bomb.

via Socialite Life

Kristen Stewart Needs Some Lip Chap

Do not watch this trailer if: a) You are a fan of The Runaways. or b) You want to punch something every time you witness Kristen Stewart licking her lips like she’s got a fat cooch in her face.

Because in this 0:49 teaser trailer for The Runaways movie, Kristen managed to get a lip lick in. THAT BITCH! If her lips are dry, she should mouth fuck a jar of Vaseline. Did she take acting lessons from Jenna Jameson, because the she only acts with her lips and tongue.

via Best Week Ever

Dear Dakota, Invest In A Camera With A Good Red Eye Blocker

Summit Entertainment released a few stills of the evil vampire clan known as the Volturi from Twilight. Now, I’ve never read any of the Twilight books, so I’m just guessing they are made of evil based on their shiny Hot Tamales eyes. Speaking of those eyes, director Chris Weitz says they had the ruby red contacts specially made, “They’re opaque red, almost like preying mantis eyes. You can’t really see into them. There’s something terribly off-putting about it.”

Um. They paid too much. My goth cholita cousin has contacts just like that and she got hers at the swap meet for $19.99! Yes, one of them made her eyeballs cry bloody tears, but at least her wallet isn’t crying. And that’s all that matters!

Below are pictures of the rest of the Volturi bitches including: Christopher Heyerdahl as Marcus, Michael Sheen as Aro, Cameron Bright (the creepy kid from Birth) as Alec, Dakota Fanning as Jane and Jamie Campbell Bower as Caius.

If they were wearing creepers and carrying coffin lunch boxes, they’d look exactly like the goth kids at my high school.

This Is Real Life

Window licker Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning left a recording studio in Los Angeles yesterday where they were beginning vocal work on The Runaways biopic. This isn’t just a day terror you can snap out of. This is really happening.

Kristen is Joan Jett, Dakota is Cherie Currie, CoCo is Lita Ford and Phoebe Price is Sandy West. No, that would have saved this soon-to-be epic mess. Alessandra Torresani is going to be Lita Ford and Stella Maeve is Sandy West. Unfortunately, the cast doesn’t include the role of a bear who mauls all of them at the beginning of the movie and saves us all!

Every time I see pictures of Dakota Fanning, it always feels like she’s reading my mind. She kind of makes my palms sweaty, but I’ve always liked her. She isn’t a fuck-up and her acting doesn’t make me go cross-eyed. It’s that Kristen Stewart ho I have a problem with! The half-eaten Hot Pocket sitting next to me would make a better Joan Jett. They are going to have to stick a taser in Kristen’s ass just to get a little raw emotion out of her! Dyeing your hair black and taking a pair of scissors to it doesn’t make you a believable Joan Jett! I already tried that shit in junior high school and it didn’t work.