OctoMom Is Being Charged With Welfare Fraud

In case you need a break from Golden Globes shit but not from abject fuckery, TMZ is reporting that OctoMom Nadya Suleman is being charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud and is facing five years in prison if convicted. Back in March 2013, someone supposedly tipped off authorities that Nadya was collecting welfare even though she made over $200,000. Now she’s being accused of failing to report over $30,000 in income from the first half of 2013, including residuals from her self-love diddle video. The judge is setting bail at $25,000.

The L.A. County District Attorney’s Office filed the charges, including 1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.

This bitch has already been accused of hating her kids, filing for bankruptcy, trying every filthy way she could think of to make a buck and has gone to rehab. The only thing that’s left is for her to pick 14 corners- one for each of her kids- and sit their asses down with For Sale signs around their necks. No offers less than $1,800 apiece or mama won’t be able to make bail! With that crazy ass as their mother, I’m pretty sure they’ve probably already tried to sell themselves on the black market just to get away from her.

(Pic: Splash)

Bono’s Diddy Burn Was The Best

You know your level of bullshit is in a league of it’s own when you can easily be crowned the most annoying motherfucker in a room whose occupants include Jonah Hill and Bono.

P. Diddy must have been painfully aware that the expiration date stamped on his ass cheek is from years ago because he spent his time on stage at the Golden Globes milking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth. I like to think I have a high patience level (I’ve been trying to write this while my five year old lists every dinosaur he knows and he started just making shit up thirty names ago) but I had some serious rage last night watching Diddy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, move to the side or let Usher Kate Beckinsale be the prettiest princess. She may have looked like she used Pam cooking spray as moisturizer, but I’d rather look at a shiny Kate any day of the week (and maybe let some lesbian daydreams sneak in there) than spend any amount of time looking at Diddy’s DUH face.

I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you fuck socket!!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments of the night happened. When Diddy went to hug Bono (and maybe throw a smooch down on his face or some shit; it was hard to tell because the whole thing was a clusterfuck), Bono straight up swerved his ass.

All those rumors of Diddy’s breath smelling like a mix of matted hobo pubes and Kristen Stewart’s unwashed gash might have something to them. The only thing Bono has ducked faster than Diddy’s advances is paying taxes!

(Pic: Wenn)

Emma Thompson Was Last Night’s Classiest Drunk

I don’t even care if Emma Thompson was playing up the drunky angle for shits and giggles last night when she presented the Best Screenplay category holding a cocktail in one hand and her heels in the other. She’s been around forever and there are probably only so many boring awards shows you can attend before you have to up the entertainment factor for yourself. If making the jerk off motion behind Kevin Spacey gets old or if Julia Roberts finally realizes you’re the one who’s been making those horse noises that get progressively louder until she turns around, playing the trashed card is all that’s left.

Emma had already earned my “that’s it, we can all go home” vote last night before she even rambled through her category introduction like she was at a DUI checkpoint trying to convince a police officer she’d only had two drinks. The footage of her ass sprinting down the red carpet put Emma this close to unseating Ouiser Boudreaux as my idol (who, by the way, would have fit in perfectly screeching “are you hiiiiigh?” at Matthew McConaughey while he was on stage).

(Pics: Fame Flynet, Wenn)

JLaw Photobombs Taylor Swift, Then Lets Us All Down With Her Lack Of Follow Through

Ryan Seacrest called this pic of Jennifer Lawrence photobombing Taylor Swift “the single most important photo” of the Golden Globes red carpet. Girlfriend, please! Seacrest is just trying to draw attention away from the fact that he got caught daydreaming about Bradley Cooper’s dick during his interview. Jennifer was brought up the stairs but threw out Act 4583486 from her one-woman show called “How To Be the Extra-est Bitch In the History Of Extra Bitches” by sneaking up behind Taylor looking like the fucking tickle monster dressed in malaria netting and electrical tape and butting into Taylor’s interview (via UsWeekly).

“I was going to come in and push you down the stairs,” the Oscar winner quipped to the country-pop superstar. “I was like, ‘She’ll crack up. She would really love that.‘”

Don’t make us promises you’re not going to keep, bitch!

Taylor and JLaw chatted like a couple of besties at a slumber party while Seacrest stood by looking like the awkward cousin your mom made you invite. Ryan did manage to ask if Jennifer had ever been to one of Taylor’s concerts and Jennifer had more jokes and said she’d never been invited but that the two of them stay in touch.

“Oh my God, I freaked out over the CMAs,” Lawrence gushed. “I sent her a text message that was like six inches long.“

Watch out, Jennifer! Anytime someone tries to give Taylor something that’s six inches long, they get raked over the fucking coals as the subject of her next single.

Here are pics of Taylor on the red carpet and at the InStyle and Warner Bros after party.

(Pics: Ryan Seacrest’s Instagram, Splash, Wenn)

Jennifer Lopez Is Being Sued By A Guy Who Got Catfished

This has everything you’d expect a good catfish story to have. A catfisher with a D-minus game at best, a catfishee with zero common sense, a frivolous lawsuit and multiple requests for nudie pics!

TMZ is reporting that Rodrigo Ruiz received letters from someone claiming to be Jennifer Lopez beginning in 2008 that included requests for demo tapes and dick pics. He is now suing JLo for $10,000 because he was led to believe he would have a music career and a relationship with her but she never followed through. He also filed a police report for sexual harassment. Rodrigo told TMZ he was so depressed he had to seek professional help (make the most of that couch time, boo… just sayin’) and shared three of the letters.

“I just wanted to let you know that I do remember you and that I am interested in you. I have plans on leaving my husband. But I can’t say much right now so that’s it for now. Send me pictures of you both with clothes and without clothes.”

Here’s the second — “This is Jennifer Lopez writing to you again and just to let you know that I got your packages, music, and demos. And just to let you know you need to send me pictures of you with and without clothes.“

The third is the best — “This is Jennifer Lopez and as you can tell its been a while since I last wrote and as you can see I have a new boyfriend which means your in for the long haul and you have to put up with the fact that I am f**king him and sucking his d**k.“

A rep for JLo shat all over Rodrigo’s lawsuit and dreams by calling the whole thing a “desperate attempt for notoriety” and TMZ traced the P.O. box to a 53-year-old woman from L.A. who hung up on them when they called her ass, but Rodrigo still believes the letters were actually sent by Jennifer.

Even Thomas Gibson is sitting in a hot tub somewhere having a one-man sadness party, shaking his head and thinking, “You dumb motherfucker!”. If JLo had written those letters, they would have included clear instructions to have the pictures resting on a bed of rare white lily petals and unicorn farts, and sprinkled with confetti made from real diamonds before being couriered to her by an albino bald eagle.

(Pic: Splash)

Nick Cannon Wins Today’s Overshare Trophy

You can thank Nick Cannon for any time you spend thinking about Mariah Carey naked today. The America’s Got Talent host and Mimi’s child groom was asked by USWeekly how they keep things hot even though they have two-year-old twins.

“Lots of sex,” Cannon candidly told Us at the Variety Breakthrough Awards in Las Vegas on Thursday, Jan. 9.

You know Mariah goes through every high note from “Emotions” as she climaxes. And hey, if Nick can get it up in her Hello Kitty room, more power to him but I still don’t want to think about his o-face. It’s probably the same look I get when the chair I’m reclining in starts to tip over.

At least the two of them have a million rooms to fuck in that their kids don’t even know exist. The rest of us have to hope the door lock holds so we don’t look over mid-thrust and see a creepy figure standing next to the bed like a mini Jehovas Witness. Instead of wanting talking to you about accepting Jesus as your Lord and savior, they want to lay out their argument for getting a pet kangaroo at 11:15 at night. Is it too much to ask to get your freak on in peace and pass out so you can be woken up at 5:15 by the same kid who won’t let the fucking kangaroo thing go?

(Pic: Wenn)